A Ditty for the Fatimaniacs

Yesterday was an historic day.

At five o’clock in the evening Vatican time, on the solemnity of the Annunciation, Pope Francis led a beautiful prayer consecrating Ukraine and Russia to the Immaculate Heart of Mary, in order to bring about world peace. The whole Church prayed with him. There were prayer services all over the world to coincide with the official consecration in Rome. Even I, cynic that I am, stopped what I was doing and prayed “Most Holy Theotokos, save us.” And I know that the Blessed Mother will intercede with her whole beautiful heart, and direct everyone of goodwill to work for a peaceful end to the horrendous genocide Putin is inflicting on Ukraine.

There is nothing funny about this horrible war.

There is nothing funny about our Holy Father doing the best he can to mitigate the violence, be it personally visiting the Russian ambassador to beg for peace, video chatting with the Russian Orthodox patriarch with the same petition, or consecrating the nations in question to Mary.

There’s not really anything funny about the Fatima conspiracy theorists either. And if you don’t know about the weird Catholic subculture of Fatima conspiracy theorists, this article from a secular publication gives the best run-down of the fiasco I’ve seen.

It should come as no surprise that they’re still obsessed with the idea that Russia wasn’t properly consecrated right now.  It’s sad that they are unsatisfied, still obsessed with the idea that the consecration didn’t take, still ranting that if we just used the exact right incantation we could somehow force Mary to perform some magic that would save us. Their notion of Mary is not so much a loving mother as a gumball machine that only takes rare coins, and that’s tragic.

However, their obnoxiousness is so irritating, I don’t know what to do about it except tease them. Therefore, to all the Fatima conspiracy theory obsessed weirdos, I dedicate the following musical interlude:

It’s time for FAAAAATIMAAAAAANIACS!

We have backpacks filled with tracts!

We’ll hit you with an ax!

We are apparition hacks!

We’re Fatimaaaaaaaniacs!

Come join the Patrick Coffin

And his brother Remnant Mag

Just for fun we claim the third prophecy was a gag

We claim the real Lucia was replaced with some old hag

We’re Fatimaaaaaniacs!!!

We’re FAAAATIMAAAAANIACS!

We’re unable to relax!

Those candles must be wax

And you’d better pray and fast

We’re Fatimaniacs!

Meet MAGA racist men who want to rule the universe

And prudish homeschool mothers who wear floor-length denim skirts

Antisemitic weirdos

Charismatics are the worst

When the Three Days of Darkness come you’re all gonna be cursed!