Catholic Traditionalist: We are REAL Catholics! Our religious practice is pure and unchanged from the beginning of the Church!
Medieval European Catholic: Where’s your rood screen? Why are you sinning by eating a Filet O’Fish with cheese during Lent? What’s a cigar?
Catholic Traditionalist: Latin is the very language of Heaven which the Catholic Church has always used from its inception!
Catholic martyr from the ancient Roman Empire: ποια είναι τα νέα σου?
Catholic Traditionalist: Rome is the height of civilization, the center of the world, the apex! God has endowed Rome with every gift! Rome is the very model upon which every great civilization is based! We need to bring back the Roman empire!
Every early martyr being tortured to death by Rome and also Jesus getting crucified by Rome: Can we talk about this later?
Catholic Traditionalist: It’s important to be a good capitalist and make sound investments. The poor are lazy and we enable them when we give to charity or support the government safety net. Every man should care for his own family. When we give to the poor, we deny them the honor of figuring this out for themselves. God rewards thrift and careful household management.
Just about every saint ever: Yeah no, the opposite of that.
Catholic Traditionalist: A young woman is the property of her father and it would be a sin for her to resist when he arranges a marriage for her. The Catholic Church has always required this.
Too Many Female Saints to Mention Individually: One sec gonna shave my head, run away from home and found a convent.
Catholic Traditionalist: The Marital Debt means that it’s a sin to not gratify your husband whenever he would like! All devout Catholics have always believed this!
Margery Kempe and Saint Julian: Huh?
Catholic Traditionalist: A good Catholic woman needs to dress exactly like the Virgin Mary in a long skirt and blouse with a scarf or she is committing a mortal sin. This has always been the rule.
Saint Joan of Arc: Merde.
Saint Marino the Monk: κακά.
Catholic Traditionalist: It is a mortal sin to act in defiance of your god-give biological sex. Men need to be masculine lumberjacks at all times or they sin.
Saint John of the Cross: On my flowery bosom, Kept whole for Him alone, There He reposed and slept; And I cherished Him, and the waving Of the cedars fanned Him… oh hi what’s up guys? Just writing some poetry in my journal.
Catholic Traditionalist: It is the role of the man to preach and teach and call each other out as iron sharpens iron. It is the role of women to be silent and submissive and busy themselves with housework.
Saint Catherine of Sienna: I’ll have a moment to listen right after I finish bawling out the Pope.
Catholic Traditionalist: Clergy sexual abuse is a new problem brought about by the 1970s sexual revolution and the infiltration of the Church by the Soviet Union. I read about that in Spirit Daily.
Catherine of Sienna again: Oh really?
Catholic Traditionalist: Homeschooling is the only Catholic choice.
Saint John Bosco: You don’t say?
Catholic Traditionalist: It is a sin for a woman to work and have a career besides her children.
Saint Zelie Martin: *looking up from making lace for her successful business* Pardonne moi?
Catholic Traditionalist: Strict obedience to a monarch is the only way.
Saint Thomas More: The king’s good servant, but God’s first.
Catholic Traditionalist: I have nothing against Jewish people personally, but they are all going to hell.
Saint John the Baptist, Saint Joseph, the Apostles and Mary: Have I got some news for you.
Catholic Traditionalist: Europe has always been the traditional center of the Catholic Church!
Mark the Apostle: *preaching to ancient Egypt* What now?
Thomas the Apostle: *Preaching to India* You know we’re from Palestine, right?
Catholic Traditionalist: Family is the most important thing. Fathers own their children and can dictate every aspect of their lives. This is what the Catholic Church has always taught.
Saint Francis of Assisi: *defying his father and never reconciling with him ever*
Catholic Traditionalist: Formal, modest dress is a must, especially if clergy are going to be present.
Saint Francis again: *stripping naked in front of the bishop* Sorry, was someone saying something?
Catholic Traditionalist: This fancy chintzy ornate Baroque church is the only real Catholic Church! Accept no substitutes!
Saint Bernard of Clairvaux: How about not?
Catholic Traditionalist: You should eat lots of organic meat and grass-fed dairy products and no soy to stay healthy. Sickness is usually caused by not being careful. We’re better than that and we judge you if you are sick. Good people stay in good health which requires discipline.
Saint Therese and Saint Bernadette: *dying of tuberculosis* Sure fam.
Catholic Traditionalist: You should have tons of kids. A gigantic family is a sign of Divine favor. Women with one kid are evil.
The Virgin Mary and Saint Elizabeth: Guess I’m evil then.
And it goes on from there.