Family Spaces

I try not to pay attention to Matt Walsh. If we all ignore him there’s hope he’ll eventually go away.

But today a tweet of his was repeatedly shared on my facebook newsfeed– and it’s not the sort of thing I could ignore. It’s assumptions that have me scratching my head.

Mr. Walsh tweeted the following, which as far as I can tell has since been deleted:

“The lack of male spaces in our culture begins in the home, where a man is often forced to set up his “man cave” in the garage or basement if he wants any space for himself in the house he owns and pays for. It’s sad to think of the man who hangs out all day in the garage, and then is often banished to the couch at night if his wife is angry with him. He allows himself to be treated like a dog in his own home.” 

What a puzzling thing to be offended about.

If your house is big enough for a “man cave,” why wouldn’t the cave be in the garage or basement? Where else do you go if you live in a house with other people, but need a bit of time for yourself? The parlor? The foyer? Under the dining room table? Glue your feet to the ceiling? Curl up under the kitchen sink? No, somehow I can’t imagine a man like Matt spending much time in the kitchen.

I suppose what irritates me most about this little complaint is that he’s scandalized that a man who hides in the  basement garage “all day” might be sent to the couch at night. He calls this being treated like a dog, even though dogs should know better than to sleep on the sofa. Dogs sleep in the crate, or on the floor. Humans sleep on sofas or beds, in their homes which they help maintain together as a family. And humans who are so lazy and antisocial they lurk in the basement like a troll all day long instead of going to work or helping around the house have no place to complain if their spouses don’t want to sleep with them.

That’s not being treated like a dog. It’s just the consequence of living as part of a family.

That is the dreadful thing about a family home– if it’s a proper home, it’s not a male or a female space. It’s a shared space.

That’s the dreadful thing about a family– the space doesn’t belong to you anymore. It belongs to the family. That’s not to say that the family shouldn’t respect one member’s need for privacy. Being part of a family doesn’t mean you lose your individuality or your personal needs, and families who insist it does are being abusive. But the choice to start a family is the choice that, in the most concrete and visible way, you no longer live for yourself.

No Christian ever does live for him or herself. We all live for Christ, through serving one another, and when we fail to serve one another we fail Christ. The vocation to be part of a family is the vocation to live for Christ through the dreadful inconvenience of a shared space.

Having a family, a Christian family, doesn’t mean you’re the lord or lady of a house that is subject to you. It means you lay down your life for your household as Christ laid it down for the Church– everyone in the family does, each in their own way. Necessarily, grown-ups will lay down their lives the most; and, contrary to popular opinion, a man is a kind of grown-up.