I don’t know how to say how I feel right now. Things continue to be a little better than they were. The garden’s growing nicely. Adrienne is excited for school. I’m having better energy after my getting sick the other week. Emotionally I’m a bit of a wreck. I keep having panic attacks and I can’t sleep. I know the things I’ve gone through aren’t things you get over after a week or two of respite. I know I’m going... Read more
I’ve been back in Serendipity and driving for over a month now. I switched my car insurance back in February, to a nice inexpensive company with a bright red logo. At the time, for reasons I’ve gone into ad nauseum, my car was a doorstop. I couldn’t drive anywhere. I didn’t know how long that situation would last, but it ended up lasting four months. The insurance company offered me a discount on my premium if I downloaded an... Read more
I have been thinking again about the mystery of American Christianity. I’ve been thinking about the Gospels, and the current political situation in America, and all the people claiming to stand up for Christianity. And I’ve come to some conclusions. What I’ve been thinking is this: You cannot serve two masters. Either you will hate one and love the other, or you will be loyal to one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and mammon. But nothing... Read more
Hey friends, This isn’t a real blog post, it’s just the once-every-three-months-or-so reminder that Steel Magnificat, and the author’s family, operate almost entirely on tips. I get a very small paycheck every other month, maybe as much as three figures, from Patheos for clicks in the United States. I get a bit of royalties from my books and a small check per article if I write for a paper instead of here. But the majority of my income is... Read more
I haven’t been so well. I’m never well, as my regular readers know and my trolls are pleased to remind me. I am a basket case. But the past few years, thanks to getting the PCOS under control, I haven’t had nearly as much trouble with chronic fatigue and head fog. The fibromyalgia was all but in remission. I only had to deal with the OCD and anxiety, and the severe introversion, and the autistic naivete and all around bad... Read more
It was Independence Day. It was the anniversary of when the Lost Girl’s partner abandoned her, and I was trying as hard as I could not to think about it. After what happened over the winter, I never want to think about her again. Trying not to think about someone, as we all know, is worse than futile. Trying not to think of something makes every worry ten times more severe. There’s no Independence Day parade in Steubenville, and the... Read more
The weekend was not terribly good. Saturday I woke up and found there was no coffee except for the sour, unpleasant coffee concentrate that comes in a bottle. We’d run out of the pitcher of cold brew I’d made, and there wasn’t another bag to brew in the fridge. There was also no lettuce for the guinea pig– that was easily fixed. I picked some lettuce and wild plantain from the garden and the messy lawn to fill her... Read more
Let’s talk about student debt. I hate talking about student debt. The mere thought of the hole I’m in tends to give me panic attacks, but right now everyone is talking about student debt, so I’m going to talk too. If you’re a Millennial, you were probably raised from your earliest years being told you had to go to college. College was the way to get a real job, with a necktie and a briefcase, so you could buy... Read more
On Sunday, after I went swimming, I went to Mass. Swimming is where I do some of my best thinking and praying, and what I thought was that I’d like to receive Holy Communion again if I ever could. So instead of giving Michael and Adrienne a ride to Mass, I went with them. I didn’t force myself to go this time. I took stock and realized it had been a low-anxiety week, and maybe my religious trauma would let... Read more
I may never get used to having a cynical adolescent in exchange for the vivacious girl who clung to my ankle whenever I went out for ten years. Still, it’s nice to be able to tell the adolescent “Have fun with your father!” and go swimming by myself. She would rather sleep in than go on a trip. We didn’t have a penny of cash to get into a local pool, but we had a full tank of gas,... Read more
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