Good Grief: Satire Site Zings Trump Attorney by Answering Five Year Old Email Demand

If you ever look at yourself in the mirror and you don’t like what you see, be comforted. At least you’re not Donald Trump’s longtime “fixer” and personal attorney, Michael Cohen.

Such a joyless, beaten individual.

Cohen is in so much trouble now, as his activities with his hastily formed shell company, Essential Consultants, LLC has come under intense scrutiny.

In 2016, Cohen used the company to funnel money to pay off Trump’s former mistress, the porn actress, Stormy Daniels (real name: Stephanie Clifford), and from that seed, began delving into the lobbying realm, by attempting to use his connection to the president as the selling point to various businesses around the world.

To date, it has been discovered that Cohen has pitched his “services” to companies like AT&T, Novartis, Korea Aerospace Industries, Uber, and Ford.

Uber and Ford were among those companies that turned down Cohen’s advances, but others, like AT&T and Novartis did cough up considerable funds for the “access” Cohen promised.

They’ve since voiced regret in becoming involved with Cohen’s shady LLC.

This is probably the most attention Cohen has ever received, and none of it is a good thing, because having his every move twisted and turned inside-out is uncovering other points of ridiculousness.

A for instance would be that in 2013, before Donald Trump even announced a run for the presidency, Cohen sent a cease-and-desist letter to The Onion.

That’s right. The same “The Onion” that is known across social media as a satirical website, full of biting, sarcastic wit became the target of his ire.

Cohen was apparently disturbed by an article published with the site that offered a fake commentary from Trump, discussing his imminent demise.

The 2013 piece was titled, “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead in About 15 or 20 Years.”

Cohen didn’t like it.

On Monday, The Onion released that angry email on their site, under the most Onion-like title: “The Onion Has Finally Read Michael Cohen’s 2013 Email Regarding His Client Donald Trump and Would Like to Discuss the Matter Further at His Convenience.”

“The article is an absolutely disgusting piece that lacks any place in journalism; even in your Onion,” Cohen wrote in January 2013.

Cohen says the “commentary goes way beyond defamation and, if not immediately removed, I will take all actions necessary to ensure your actions do not go without consequence.”

“Guide yourself accordingly,” he warns, not acknowledging that the site is a satirical publication.

It has been five years. I’m wondering what “consequences” the site suffered, due to the impotent rage of Cohen?

And if you ever needed more proof that The Onion is a sweltering pit of evil geniuses, this response caused me to shoot my iced Frappuccino out my nose:

While we respectfully disagree with Mr. Cohen’s assessments, we understand that he is duty-bound to safeguard his client’s public image, a task he has no doubt fulfilled time and time again throughout his many years of dedicated service. With that in mind, we would like to, at long last, take him up on his request that we “contact immediately to discuss.”

As Mr. Trump is now the leader of the free world, now is clearly the best time to resume our discussion. While it is generally not our policy to let outside forces affect our editorial decisions, the opportunity to gain a direct line to the president clearly presents a special case. We would be more than willing to accommodate Mr. Cohen’s wishes—provided we get something in return, of course. A quid pro quo, if you will.

We believe the removal of the piece in exchange for influence over the president’s decision-making constitutes a more than reasonable deal, and we implore Mr. Cohen to meet with us without delay. We are happy to schedule around his upcoming court appearances.

They weren’t done.

Mr. Cohen, in trying to reach you, we have called both phone numbers you provided us and even sent a courier to your New York offices. After receiving no reply, we can only assume you are trying to stonewall us. We are growing concerned that you have remained silent because you have been building a rock-solid case against us for the last five years, and in fact shudder to even imagine the detailed, thorough, and likely damning charges you would bring forward. But it does not have to be this way.

In your letter, you implore us to “Guide yourself accordingly.” These enigmatic words have haunted us ever since. Although we assume no small risk in asking the president’s own accomplished and ingenious lawyer for help acquiring Oval Office influence, we believe that a partnership between us and Mr. Trump, shepherded by your steady hand, is the most fruitful way forward for the president, for The Onion, and for America.

We eagerly await your reply.

I’m dying.

At this point, Cohen is an easy target for ridicule, so maybe this isn’t fair. His apparent corruptness is only overshadowed by his incompetence. He’s almost a sympathetic figure, given that his boss seems to be repaying his years of devotion by tossing him under the bus.

Almost.

This is another win for The Onion. They are not the heroes we deserve, but they’re the heroes we need, right now.

Great job, guys. The iced Frappuccinos are on me.