Forgiveness Is Not Enough, When It Comes To Healing For Victims

Forgiveness Is Not Enough, When It Comes To Healing For Victims August 31, 2018

By guest writer MJ Lisbeth

Much has been made of the smaller-than-expected audience and sometimes-hostile reception Pope Francis encountered during his visit to Ireland.   While commentators noted the contrast with the more enthusiastic greeting that awaited Pope John Paul II when he arrived in 1979, they did not make the connection between something Francis said and young Irish people’s drift away from, or even outright rejection, of the church.

At the Marian Shrine of Knock, he begged for forgiveness of the sins of members of the Church of Ireland who committed abuse of whatever kind and asked the blessed mother to intercede for the healing of survivors and to never again permit these situations to occur.

One can say that, although he did mention young people who were robbed of their innocence and children taken from their mothers, his appeal was still too vague.  And, as a survivor of childhood sexual abuse by a priest, I feel that he placed too much emphasis on “forgiving” the “sins” of the perpetrator and not enough on the healing for the victims.

Then again, it may be that neither he nor the Church can do otherwise.  For one thing, addressing the plight of survivors in a more specific way would open up the Church to even more scorn and even lawsuits than it already faces.  But more to the point—at least from the point of view of survivors and the general public—clergy members, from parish priests all the way up to the College of Cardinals, simply are not equipped to help survivors move on from the abuse we have suffered.

What they, and the Pope, don’t seem to understand is this:  Those of us who have been sexually abused as children were traumatized.  This is not the same as simply having one’s feelings hurt by a thoughtless word or some quotidian misdeed.  It means that we have been changed, irrevocably, in fundamental ways.  We lose our ability to trust, not only priests and the Church, but other people, even those with whom we have (or should have) our most intimate relationships.  That is because, as modern research has shown, the stress caused by trauma affects our brains:  It sensitizes the “reptilian” parts, which is more impulsive, and restricts the “limbic” area, which helps us record our memories and form our judgments from them.  And, of course, that stress affects the body, manifesting itself in a number of health issues such as hypertension and diabetes.

So, while “forgiveness” of “sins” might give the perpetrator a clean slate, it does nothing to alleviate trauma and its effects in victims.  If anything, asking (or, more precisely, guilt-tripping) a victim to “forgive” a perpetrator only re-traumatizes that victim.  I know: Whenever I’ve been asked to “forgive” someone who has caused me real harm—whether that priest in my childhood or an abusive ex-spouse or partner—it’s like another blow to my body, not to mention my mind and heart.

As I’ve said, the Pope and most priests, as well-intentioned as they might be, simply don’t understand the difference between being sinned-against and being traumatized—and that the latter happens to children who are sexually molested by priests or taken away from their mothers.  I think most of them can’t, in part because they don’t have the training that would allow them to do so.  But even those who have such training, I believe, still operate under the belief that, when the victim forgives, he or she heals along with the victimizer.  Too often, it just doesn’t work that way.

Really, all one can do after abuse is to prevent it from happening again.  That doesn’t happen through “forgiveness” or “redemption”.  Only taking away the opportunities for abuse, for inducing trauma, can do that:  Priests (or any other adults) who abuse children must not be allowed access to them.  And the abuse from my ex-partner stopped, not through “forgiving” him (as he begged me to do), but after an order of protection and the loss of his career.

Still, trauma remains.  I work through mine every day.  No amount of “forgiveness” can change that.  I am sure other survivors could say the same—and feel exasperated or enraged, or both, by the Pope’s plea, even if he could not have acted in any other way.

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