The Big Business of Vaginas

The Big Business of Vaginas September 18, 2011

The headline reads “No more dancing around feminine hygiene.”, and the accompanying article notes that starlets no longer fearing the tag “harlot” openly discuss their favorite vaginal tattoos.

Honestly, as a mom who has had to endure sitting through those “do you ever feel not-so-fresh” and “watch my tampon bloom” commercials with teenage sons, it feels like hygiene and vajayjays have hardly been danced around. But I suppose it was inevitable that a society in decline would finally end up fixating on and decorating their vaginas and penises. It sort of goes along with the whole back-to-the-sandbox mentality that has taken hold of us.

Nevertheless, over at Instapundit, the ever-economical and succinct Glenn Reynolds notes “The vagina is becoming big business; you mean it wasn’t before?”

Actually, it’s been “big” business (if the vagi-vain can tolerate the term) since at least July of 2008, when the New York Times did a feature story on a new “pelvic health center” meant to er, snap aging vagina’s back into shape, and otherwise pretty them up.

Remember, it was the last year of the Bush administration, and the Times had been waxing hysterical over the economy for 5 years. The temptation to play with it all was too great; I couldn’t resist:

On one hand, the press is telling us that America is in terrible shape: she is economically depressed.

Bad Bush = tight spot.

But wait! On the other hand, this NY Times feature on a woman’s pelvic fitness spa, suggests that tight spots may have absolutely nothing to do with bad old Bush at all!

And if women are paying $150.00 a pop to wrap their vaginal muscles around a doctor’s fingers then perhaps people are not feeling as squeezed as we’ve been led to believe!

…comes the first medi spa in Manhattan wholly dedicated to strengthening and grooming a woman’s genital area. Phit — short for pelvic health integrated techniques…
…At the spa, the signature treatment will be a $150 gynecological exam — in which a client contracts her pelvic muscles around Dr. Romanzi’s fingers — to determine by feel whether muscle tone is weak, moderate or strong.

Dr. Romanzi likes to call the vaginal workouts she prescribes “personal training.” Clients could also use an in-office electrostimulation machine to improve pelvic muscle tone or buy a device for home use. Dr. Romanzi said that such treatments are intended to improve bladder control; she said pelvic training may also lead to more intense orgasms.

Of course, if bad old Bush has left you so high, dry and empty that you can’t afford the $150.00 to get “Phit” as a phiddle and ready for love, perhaps a trip to the local hardware store and a ride on the paint-mixer could do the trick.

There are no medical standards for determining what constitutes normal “fitness” or how to evaluate it, said Dr. Abbey B. Berenson, a gynecologist who directs the Center for Interdisciplinary Research in Women’s Health at the University of Texas Medical Branch in Galveston.
But Dr. Romanzi believes all women might benefit from such exercises. “If you can vote and you have a vagina, you should do these,” she said. “It’s the dental floss of feminine fitness.”

My voting vagina rejects the analogy to dental floss – it makes her wince into a stern and metal-bending Kegel. She gets a mental image of taking a minty green thread and whoopsing it back and forth between her labia to dislodge errant bits of poppy seed, or something, and votes a loud and resounding “nay” on the entallay lossflay! One hopes the good doctor will find a riper, juicier simile, lickety split!

The spa will also offer cosmetic laser treatments intended to tighten the skin of the vulva in post-menopausal women.

“The outer layer can become almost scrotal, very wrinkly and lax,” Dr. Romanzi said.

Finally, there is some way women and men can be equal!

She treats pelvic skin using a combined laser and radio frequency device that is designed for facial skin and has not been studied for safety and efficacy when used on the vulva, she said. But she said the laser does not penetrate deeply enough to affect internal organs like ovaries.

That’s what I want – I want radio frequencies in my vagina! Just slip a little Guinness in there, and we’ll have a party! And why not get the ovaries dancing, too? Let’s have a shindig! Twist and shout!

My warrior vagina looks with disdain on these primping vacuous and self-obsessed vaginas of vulgar vanity, and she suggests their owners take themselves in hand before they get completely nipped and tucked and runned amok! She is willing to explore the vagaries of vaginal aging because she is secure in herself and valiant in vulvic fortitude; she bucks trends!

My vagina blows deep and incessant raspberries – from the cervix on down – at the clitoral crybabies who will resort to cunning stunts to maintain an illusion of youth. “Dry up! Be happy with yourselves the way you are,” she roars to her sister vaginas. “The way of the wise woman allows pit stops to whet the whistle, and tickle the tuner, but it’s never required an engine overhaul!”

Are there not enough ways the beauty, fashion and medical industries make women feel inadequate? Must even the labia be labeled a “work in progress…”?

Thank heavens for the NY Times – with their mediating editorial intelligences, we may not know about victories in a strengthened Iraq, but we know where to go for victories in a strengthened vulva, and that’s what really matters, isn’t it?

I’m sorry. I know all of that was really bad of me, and vulgar. But some things just can’t be mocked enough.

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