Not just work-life balance: work-life integration

Becoming a birth doula has felt like a calling, not just a career. As I take each step, I’ve been asking myself  – to quote Carol Flinders – “What is at the root of this longing?” And I think it’s community.

The truth is, though my life is beautiful right now, I am yearning for more community. What I’m imagining is something with a separate space for myself and my immediate family, and then communal spaces for cooking, eating and being sociable. I’m not saying that would be a panacea for all my ills, I’m just saying I want it, and I want it bad.

A birth doula is someone who offers physical, emotional and spiritual support to a woman as she gives birth.

So how does this relate to slowing down (our topic for the month)? Or to being a doula? Doulas exist because, if a pregnant woman or new-mom isn’t going to run herself ragged, she needs a supportive community. I’m not talking about the kind you get from social media, but the kind that holds your hand as you push your baby out, feeds you nutritious meals, and dances with you when you need to do something other than be a mummy for a minute. And somehow we have evolved to a moment in history where, for an increasing number of us, the only way to get that community, and the only way to slow down in the baby-induced-chaos, is by finding a stranger to come to your house, possibly from far away, and then paying her to do it.

But imagine: if the women who needed that support were just across the hallway, I could offer those services in a much more relaxed fashion. I wouldn’t need to travel half way across the city and constantly worry about having my cell phone turned on, because someone could just come and gently shake me awake when the birth began. I could easily continue to do this work even if I had my own kids, because there would be trustworthy people nearby to watch them if I was at a birth. Rather than having to make appointments with my clients, I could answer little questions about breastfeeding over the breakfast table or as we took a walk together. Maybe I would still charge for it, but maybe I wouldn’t have to, because maybe my needs would be seen to by my community. Just maybe.

My ability and desire to be a doula emerged from a change in my priorities – part of a deep shift that began several years ago, and then really kicked-in last year, when my body told me that I needed to slow down or perish (read my blog on that here). Indeed, this is not just a wish to be a little more sociable; it feels much bigger than that. The bottom line: I don’t just want work-life balance, I want work-life integration. I don’t just want to slow down, I want to be able to slow down and STILL see my friends and be creatively fulfilled.

“Oh come on”, says another part of me. “Isn’t that just a fantasy? You really think you can have it all? Where are the hours in the day for that?” To which I answer, that perhaps it might be useful to take a look at how I’m spending my time right now, because living as I do, it feels like I waste so many hours.

For example: if I didn’t have to commute somewhere else to be of service – if the women I served were right on my doorstep – I would have more time. If I only had to do household tasks once every few days or weeks – if I shared the responsibility to cook, clean, shop and so on with other people in the community – then I would have a lot more time. If I didn’t have to pay a babysitter every time I wanted to have a date night with my husband – if there were plenty of other friends around all the time, or if we created a sociable place to be right in our own housing complex – then I would have to spend less time working in order to pay the babysitter, which means less work and more time to be sociable. If I had more friends nearby then I wouldn’t feel so lonely and I wouldn’t spend all that time on Facebook, and so I would have more time. If I had lots of other women in the community who liked yoga and meditation then I wouldn’t have to commute to do those things, and I would have more time. Do you see where I’m going with this?

You see, in the community setting I’m imagining, I can be a worker, a mother and a friend – all at the same time – because I don’t have my job over here, my family over there and my hobbies somewhere in the gaps – it’s all the same thing, in the same place.

It’s old school community. But it’s new to me, and it sounds awesome.

Laura Paskell-Brown is a birth doula living in San Francisco with her husband Alex and her stuffed cat Ermentrude. She is also on the core circle of Women of Spirit and Faith, an organisation which has taught her that work is the highest form of play.