Test by Fire

Test by Fire April 8, 2015


God and I have this weird relationship. Maybe it’s not weird, but I have yet to see anyone describe their relationship with Him the way that mine is. I feel like my relationship with God is a bunch of tests by fire. I pass some and I fail a lot of them.

I don’t really have a hard time getting the Trinity because I have a relationship with God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Each relationship has its ups and downs. The downs are usually because I want my way instead of His way.  I am not really that great of a Catholic Christian but each Person of the Trinity and I have had a chance to get to know each other. Theologically I can’t explain how God is One God but Three Persons, but I know it’s true because of how I relate to each of them. The Holy Spirit is the fun One, Jesus is the One I go to when I am suffering and God the Father is the One who guides me when I am lost. It’s just how it has been for the last 5 years.

If you have followed my blog lately, you know that life has been rough. I knew there was something to look forward to this Lent, but I never expected the Grace that came during Holy Week. That being said, I still have an issue trusting God. Even after everything I have been through and everything He has done for me, I still am so scared of what is going to happen in the future.

For example: I have prayed that we don’t lose our house. Now, I would love to say that I trust God will make sure that we are ok and don’t lose our house or has another house in store for us. And I do believe that to some extent, but…… I don’t trust that my idea of ok is the same as God’s idea of ok. I wouldn’t be shocked if God allowed us to live under a bridge and called it “humility”. I have tried to convince Him that I am humble, but I think it’s backfiring because, like I said in my last post, I’m waiting tables while other people are getting to have real jobs.  I don’t wanna deal with people treating me like shit because they want an extra sized ranch; I wanna travel and live in hotels and get a little money plus be around cool Catholics. It’s obvious to me that God and I do not see eye to eye on what the best avenue to take for me to become a saint. It’s becoming a problem.

I am not really sure how to get over this. It’s not that I think God is smiting me, which I was seriously considering a few weeks ago, but I just don’t want to suffer any more than I feel I already have. I am not even wanting a mansion and brand new Cadillac anymore. I just want a house and a car that drives. I love my death trap at this point; it just needs new tires, insurance, stickers and a wash. Sure it’s a death trap, but it drives, I’m good. I am just not completely sure that it won’t get taken away somehow or that selling the house will not land me in a homeless shelter because God thinks that is a good way for me to evangelize to the homeless. If it was just me, that would be one thing, but my kids are not really down for that. At this point I’m almost sure that God thinks it would be a good team building exercise.

Does anyone else ever feel like God will send you all the suffering you can (or can’t) handle just to do that whole test with fire thing? Or is it just me?

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  • I have felt that way at times. More so before I had a miscarriage a few years ago. Through that experience I encountered his love and consolations like never before and it made me less afraid of “bad things” happening although I still try to avoid suffering :) .

  • Same here! I get over something tragic and then shake myself off and think “God is amazing, He always comes to help me! Wait! What if X (the most horrible case scenario) happens?!!! One of these days, I will not freak out about all the suffering. Maybe.

  • Hang in there! I feel better whenever I hang out with calm, peaceful Catholics–not the hotel living, loud “I love God” types, but the quiet ones with the calm smiles and happy eyes and real laughter in their voices.

  • Rachel

    Oh wow, this sounds so familiar. I don’t consider myself to be a good Catholic at all. I suck at it. I don’t pray as much as I should. I don’t pray my rosary like I should. I don’t go to daily Mass. I’m just a poor working stiff who is trying to survive. Do we have a crap car? Yep, we do. Are we going to get the bills paid? I hope so. This past month has been truly a Lent for my husband and myself. For the third time (technically fourth and fifth) my husband has been hospitalized since we got married nearly 7 years ago. The ordeal is still on going. Why does this keep happening? I have no idea. I admit that it could be worse. My husband could be on life support or have a terminal disease, etc.

    Thankfully God has seen it fit that my husband is still with me although he is not working at the moment and the short term disability was denied (hopefully it won’t be when he sends in more paper work). Also, his health is still bad but it is slowly on the mend.

    All I do when I go to Mass on Sundays is beg God for mercy and I did thank Him this past Sunday for sparing my beloved. I have come to the conclusion that I will probably never be the gung ho, uber pious Catholic who goes to all the retreats, vigils, etc, etc. Instead, I’m basically a peasant. I beg God for mercy and pray a short prayer (If I remember) for help. That’s all I can do. I admit I feel very guilty just doing that.

    There are many times that i consider myself to be a terrible person. For this past month I have felt this way since I’ve thought I am selfish. I was angry that my husband landed himself in the hospital again :(. So, does God give us more than we can handle? I think that sometimes He does. It seems that way. I also think some folks have better luck than others too.

  • I am so sorry! I totally feel you. I’ve been angry at my husband for being sick too. God loves you, don’t forget that and your suffering will be worth it at some point, I know it doesn’t really help. I have just been looking at Jesus on the Cross and trying to just keep going.