God and I have this weird relationship. Maybe it’s not weird, but I have yet to see anyone describe their relationship with Him the way that mine is. I feel like my relationship with God is a bunch of tests by fire. I pass some and I fail a lot of them.
I don’t really have a hard time getting the Trinity because I have a relationship with God the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit. Each relationship has its ups and downs. The downs are usually because I want my way instead of His way. I am not really that great of a Catholic Christian but each Person of the Trinity and I have had a chance to get to know each other. Theologically I can’t explain how God is One God but Three Persons, but I know it’s true because of how I relate to each of them. The Holy Spirit is the fun One, Jesus is the One I go to when I am suffering and God the Father is the One who guides me when I am lost. It’s just how it has been for the last 5 years.
If you have followed my blog lately, you know that life has been rough. I knew there was something to look forward to this Lent, but I never expected the Grace that came during Holy Week. That being said, I still have an issue trusting God. Even after everything I have been through and everything He has done for me, I still am so scared of what is going to happen in the future.
For example: I have prayed that we don’t lose our house. Now, I would love to say that I trust God will make sure that we are ok and don’t lose our house or has another house in store for us. And I do believe that to some extent, but…… I don’t trust that my idea of ok is the same as God’s idea of ok. I wouldn’t be shocked if God allowed us to live under a bridge and called it “humility”. I have tried to convince Him that I am humble, but I think it’s backfiring because, like I said in my last post, I’m waiting tables while other people are getting to have real jobs. I don’t wanna deal with people treating me like shit because they want an extra sized ranch; I wanna travel and live in hotels and get a little money plus be around cool Catholics. It’s obvious to me that God and I do not see eye to eye on what the best avenue to take for me to become a saint. It’s becoming a problem.
I am not really sure how to get over this. It’s not that I think God is smiting me, which I was seriously considering a few weeks ago, but I just don’t want to suffer any more than I feel I already have. I am not even wanting a mansion and brand new Cadillac anymore. I just want a house and a car that drives. I love my death trap at this point; it just needs new tires, insurance, stickers and a wash. Sure it’s a death trap, but it drives, I’m good. I am just not completely sure that it won’t get taken away somehow or that selling the house will not land me in a homeless shelter because God thinks that is a good way for me to evangelize to the homeless. If it was just me, that would be one thing, but my kids are not really down for that. At this point I’m almost sure that God thinks it would be a good team building exercise.
Does anyone else ever feel like God will send you all the suffering you can (or can’t) handle just to do that whole test with fire thing? Or is it just me?