Making Things New

The blogging world and my past have crashed into each other. My ex-husband got a woman pregnant 8 years and 9 months ago. It is one reason why I finally ended things with him since he kept it a secret from me even having the woman bring the baby to stay at my apartment while I was visiting my mom once. I found out and kicked him out of the apartment. Stacey moved in 4 months later so Ben has always maintained that we broke up because of Stacey, totally forgetting that he hid a child with another woman from me.

I don’t keep things from my kids, but this wasn’t my thing to tell them and so some of them knew and others didn’t. Apparently Gabe didn’t know anything about it at all. In trying to maintain my children’s view of their dad, I screwed myself and let them think that I was the reason that our marriage failed. Anyway, the lady blogs and we crossed blog paths. She is a really good writer, which I hate because I want her to suck at everything. She has 7 kids and has become an Orthodox Christian. (God has a sense of humor) so here we are. Two women who have kids who are siblings and who have found Christ in the years since Ben has been out of our lives. And we both blog.

I found all of this out after going to confession and confessing how hard it is for me to let go of grudges. And then the biggest grudge of all shows up: an 8 year old little girl with my son’s piecing blue eyes. The child that I didn’t get to have because I was talked into tying my tubes to be “responsible” while the man who talked me into it had this child with someone else.

Here I am looking at pictures of this little girl and her mother trying to control my anger and hurt and disgust at myself for being jealous of how cute she is and how much better of a writer her mother is than me. All of my sins are so obvious right now. Now I am preparing how I’m going to tell my kids about them and that they live 15 minutes from us. My daughter who has always thought she is the baby and her daddy’s girl, even if he sucked as a father, atleast she had that. Now, I have to tell her she has a little sister and hope that she takes it ok.

Maybe I’m the one taking I hard and my kids will be ok with it. Every time that I think I’m making spiritual progress, the past comes up and slaps me in the face.

Both of us have converted to Christ and I hope that our faith in Him makes this mess something beautiful. Maybe this is His way of making things new.