Here’s the thing that a lot of people do not get about losing people you love. Who you love has nothing to do with who someone else loves. For instance, you may think that losing an aunt is no big deal because you aunts are all crazy and you haven’t talked to any of them in 13 years. I get that. I have 8 aunts that are my mother’s sisters who I have not talked to in a decade and who are all insane. I have one uncle that I haven’t seen in maybe twenty years. But my Tio Roy was like a father to me. His wife is my aunt by marriage, she isn’t even my blood relative. But she was there for me throughout my entire life. When I graduated from the eighth grade I had this idea of a dress that I wanted for the occasion and she made it for me from scratch. She hemmed my wedding dress and made me a cover to go with it because it was sleeveless. She was there when I came into the Church and for the months prior to that she was there to answer my questions about the Catholic faith.
I have not cried since her coffin was put in the ground until today. I really don’t know why honestly, I felt like maybe I was on grief overload or maybe I am just so sure of her faith saving her that I am not sad, but here’s the honest truth: grief is unpredictable. So today someone was an asshole to me on the internet and now I’ve been crying for hours because I had to say the words “my aunt died” out loud. She is gone. Nobody will ever kiss me on the cheek again like she did. Nobody will make me another dress or say “Ay Lethy, why did you wear chanklas on your wedding day?”. Why do the tears fall when someone, who means nothing to me, call me a flake for not following through with something because she died? That’s right, people who have to deal with dying loved ones don’t follow through with a lot of shit jackwagon.
You wanna know how I know grief is why I’ve been sitting here crying and talking myself out of cussing this guy out on Facebook like the hot mess that I am? Because a friend of my husband is facing a cancer diagnosis. I’ve been following her on her blog entries and today I saw it. I saw grief play out. Anger, denial, bargaining, depression and acceptance. She is angry today. So am I. It just clicked. This jerk, who knows nothing about me, made me angry and that anger opened the flood gates of grief. Jerk.
I saw this meme the other day and it said “I am strong but I’m tired” and that is the story of my life right now. I am strong. I have been through a lot in my life but I am so tired. I’m also heartbroken and tired which is a whole other level of tired. I’m so sad my Tia is gone and in a few weeks I have to remember that it’s been a year since Tio died. Grief squared… or something.