Usually, when we journey from one year to the next, we construct a list of things that we are going to commit to doing differently. But how often does forgiveness make that list? How often do we pray for a heart that is open to forgiving others? Or do we even think it is important enough to make our New Year’s resolution list?
When I hear the word forgiveness, most of the time, the first thing that comes to mind is something Tyler Perry said in one of his movies. Paraphrasing, he said that when someone hurts us, forgiveness is not for them, it’s for us. And oh, how true that is! When we dig to the root of forgiveness, we uncover that by forgiving others, we release ourselves from the bondage of anger, sadness, hurt, hate, and stagnation. By forgiving others, we are doing what God has instructed us to do, freeing ourselves, and opening our hearts to begin the healing process. But are we always able to forgive? Is forgiveness always necessary?
What is Forgiveness?
This may seem a bit elementary to answer, but in order to understand the process of forgiveness, it’s beneficial to understand what, exactly, forgiveness is. From a secular worldview, to forgive is to stop feeling resentment or anger towards someone who has wronged us. This process does not extend beyond our feelings and our responses to others based on those feelings. We aren’t consumed with grievous feelings towards the guilty party but that doesn’t mean that we want them to be showered with the best that life has to offer either. And often times, we feel as though the guilty party has to work hard to earn our forgiveness or more than prove themselves contrite and sincere to receive our forgiveness. In other words, they gotta do something to get something!
However, when forgiveness takes on a Christlike form, it involves a lot more heart work. Biblical forgiveness is extending favor freely. This favor cancels all wrongdoing and is done outside of any meritorious act of the one being granted forgiveness. Forgiveness God’s way is encapsulated with grace and a mind that is given by God to be able to perform it and perform it wholly. When we forgive God’s way, we are not consumed with grievous feelings towards another but we are consumed with the same mercy and grace that was extended to us from the cross. Godly forgiveness grants total pardon. No matter how angry we have been made to feel or the extent of wrong we may have endured, when extending godly forgiveness, it wipes the slate clean of all wrongdoing.
Why Do We Forgive?
Ephesians 4:32 brings to our attention a few calls to action. It says, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” We see the pre-requisites that come for us to be able to forgive. They are kindness and a tender heart. It presumably goes without saying that if we don’t possess a gentle or pleasant posture towards others or a heart that is clothed in compassion and mercy, forgiveness will be a very difficult task. But it is important to understand the magnitude of the obligation to forgive.
As we keep reading this verse, we are called to forgive one another, and then we are told why and how. We are to forgive because we have been forgiven. In 2 Corinthians 5:19, Paul told us that, “God was reconciling the world to Himself in Christ.” So Christ, as God, is the vehicle that carries the forgiveness and reconciliation we receive from God. Because God Himself, through Christ, has provided a means by which we can receive forgiveness, we are to offer the same to others.
How Can We Forgive?
When we dig into this verse a bit, we see that we are asked to do a God-natured thing. The reason we are to forgive is set against that which God did for us. This would let us know that without Him, true forgiveness is impossible. This is because forgiveness is not a part of our human DNA. If you remember correctly, we are born with a sin nature because of Adam. This means that our flesh is not inclined to do righteous things (forgiveness being one of those things). Rather, it wants to do those things that are contrary to God and His nature. It wants to do those things that keep us full of malice and divisive persuasions so that we don’t live in the fullness of God. It’s not until we are born again that we take on a new nature that mimics that of our Father. A nature that is eager to forgive and desires opportunities to do so.
So, thinking about what takes place in the heart of someone who is extending forgiveness, we see a few things: a willingness to hear, a change of heart, and the ability to forget. All things that we have to have God for. If we’re honest, being open to listening to someone who has wronged us is hard. It takes a will higher than our own just to accept the invite to conversation. Not only is being willing to hear difficult, without the heart of God, it is challenging to redirect what our heart feels towards someone after they have committed a fault against us. But to do things God’s way, a change of heart has to occur not only on the part of the one being forgiven, but also the one who is granting forgiveness.
Now, the ability to forget is humanly impossible. And even with the Holy Spirit, our minds are not capable to handle such a Godlike task. This is why forgetting for us looks a little different than it does for God. We forget by not holding someone’s action against them—whether in conversation, our actions towards them, or even by constantly reminding them of what they did wrong. We forget by allowing the recipient of forgiveness to not constantly feel the weight of their wrong. We move forward with them, allowing them to grow in grace and fellowship with us and with God.
Forbear or Forgive?
I can’t help but pity all of those parents who had to wait patiently for their children to grow into understanding the importance of doing what’s right. I’m sure my parents are amongst those who are thankful that their kids finally “got it together.” But even through all of the hurdles, failures, missteps, and contrariness, parents still love and hold out hope. This is what the forbearance of God looks like towards us. Romans 2:4 says this about God, “Or do you presume on the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God’s kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?” God is patient with us, holding back punishment due to us as He waits for us to makes things right with Him. But this doesn’t mean that if we don’t ever make things right, we won’t receive what is owed to us by way of our own hand.
Oftentimes, this is what we extend to others when we want to hold on to the hope that they will restore the relationship. When something is done that offends, sometimes, we “tolerate” the offender by overlooking the offense. But forbearance can only go so far and cover so much. And this verse in Romans shows us this. It highlights God’s patience towards us but it also brings out a very crucial part of how forgiveness takes place.
Can We Always Forgive?
If we think about forgiveness, something has to happen in order for it to be granted. God forgives us when we ask out of sincerity and have a change of heart, therefore a change of direction (2 Corinthians 7:10). The same goes for our interpersonal relationships. When people offer us an apology in an effort to change the direction of their behavior, we’re obligated to forgive. But if this does not take place, can we still forgive? And how do we know when someone is sincere?
Forgiveness comes when the opportunity for repentance presents itself. If repentance doesn’t occur then neither can forgiveness. But even in the absence of repentance, we should always have our heart in a place to forgive. And we should hold out hope for a better outcome, like God does with us. Remember, if repentance doesn’t take place, we can’t extend forgiveness. But that also doesn’t mean that we hold on to hatred in our hearts. This just means that we can’t extend the same privileges to the offender that we do to those who have gotten back in right relationship and fellowship with us. But we also have to know that just because someone asks for forgiveness, this doesn’t mean they genuinely seek true reconciliation. The only absolute way to know if someone is godly sorrowful for what they have done is to have the inward presence of someone who knows all. The Holy Spirit is who clues us in on the intentions of the hearts of others. And as we allow Him to lead us, He’ll make very clear the distinction between those who are real and those who are not.
Although not every apology that comes our way will be sincere, we still have to move forward with God’s grace and compassion towards those who have wronged us. And we should be thankful for those words of contrition that come after offense to bring reconciliation in relationship. But as we open our hearts to forgive (or forbear) others, let us not forget that we also should be quick to ask for forgiveness ourselves.
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