Introducing Vend-a-Church!

The final frontier of the consumer-driven approach to church. No more letting life in community shape you or make demands of you.  No more bouncing from church to church to look for the pew that’s “just right.”  No more grappling with that niggling fear that Jesus might actually expect something or grappling with the silly notion that the church is Christ’s body, active in the world.  No more lingering thoughts that it all might be about an encounter with God.

Vend-a-church makes it possible to set aside the annoying distractions caused by conversations about sacrifice, discipleship, and service.  You can cut to the chase and embrace church as performance, apply your preferences, and register for the experience of your choice.

Please make your selection:

1. 8am
2. 10am
3. 11am
4. 7pm
5. 11pm
6. When it suits me on any given day

Please choose the amount of music desired:

1. No music
2. Some music
3. A lot of music

Please choose your style of music:

1. Traditional
2. Contemporary
3. Contemplative
4. Designate a mix of 2 or 3 styles
5. Create your own playlist
6. Optional: Noise cancelling headphones

Please choose a day:

1. Sunday
2. Monday
3. Tuesday
4. Wednesday
5. Thursday
6. Saturday

Please choose the length of a sermon:

1. Full-blown, homiletical treatise (30-40 minutes)
2. Homily (15-20 minutes)
3. Homilette (5-10 minutes)
4. One minute reflection
5. I’d rather not

Please choose the style of sermon:

1. Exegetical
2. Topical
3. Meditative
4. Political
5. Self-help
6. Other

Please choose your level of liturgical engagement:

1. It should feel like the mall
2. Low Church
3. Broad Church
4. High Church
5. I want to stay home, in my pajamas

Please allow 2 to 4 days for delivery. Selections change every quarter.   Photo by Marc Noorman on Unsplash