I Have No Plans to Kidnap Your Man

I Have No Plans to Kidnap Your Man July 25, 2012

The Epping Forest Guardian reports that someone has been stuffing leaflets in local homes accusing Pagans of  wanting “to abduct a male member of the public for use as part of their rituals” this Lammas. Pagan Federation representative Mani Navasothy is not amused by this local smear campaign.

 “That’s just ridiculous. Nobody is going to catch a man and abduct him. I have got a degree in physics, so I’m not an idiot. Practising Pagans just don’t do that sort of thing. I myself have led rituals in forests and I used to tell the police and council – we always do it very carefully and formerly. If anything we just go for walks in the wood.”

I don’t know what his degree in physics has to do with anything, but I agree, we don’t run around abducting people to use in our ceremonies. It’s just the latest re-hashing of the old slurs against us: that ancient Pagan were supposedly bloodthirsty monsters, so the modern equivalent must be as well. This is the stuff of Chick tracts and evangelical ex-witch fantasy.

Why is the Celtic Druid holding an Ankh?

The truth is that Christians engage in kidnapping people, their children, at a rate that would dizzy the minds of any anti-Pagan conspiracy theorist. But since those kidnapping are parent-approved, and for the good of their God, it’s all swept under the rug.


“The film centers on the story of David, a straight-A student from Colorado who was sent to Escuela Caribe in May of 2006 after coming out to his parents as gay. Like many others, David was taken in the night without warning by a “transport service” and was never told where he was going or when he would be brought back home. While at Escuela Caribe, David had no way of communicating with any of his friends or family back home until the filmmakers arrived and he decided to ask them if they would smuggle out a letter that he had secretly written to his best friend. Once word got back to David’s community about what had happened to him, many people sprung to action and formed a plan to get him released. Getting David out of this school, however, turned out to be a much more difficult task than anyone had thought, and the trials they went through to get David released revealed just how far Escuela Caribe would go to prevent a student from leaving.”

The anxiety of a post-Christian America, a post-Christian West, has created far more real abuse than any fantasy of a hidden Pagan cult could ever achieve. So, no, Pagans don’t want to kidnap you, but you might want to watch out for your gay friend with the conservative Christian parents.

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63 responses to “I Have No Plans to Kidnap Your Man”

  1. Hah! You know they’re not Druids — they’re not wearing white!

    And everybody who’s seen the movie (where I think they’re getting the idea) knows that the sacrificial guy is put in the Wicker Man at Beltane, not Lammas. Know your memes, people!

    And I have to be very careful about what I write, ’cause at some point this’ll come up in a Google search and someone will think I’m serious.

    Ok, I’m kinda serious about the white. Admittedly, it stains easily. But in that time period, it was probably easier to sun-bleach a fabric to a lighter color than it was to dye something black.

    I also like that they included a pumpkin, proof that the Druids discovered America. Obviously, when the Romans overran them, they destroyed all the pumpkin seeds and seedlings (which is hard to do, as anyone who’s had volunteer vines sprouting from their compost pile can attest) so no one else would have access to that wonderful plant until post 1492.

  2. It’s funny that’s the plot of a very fun 90’s horror movie Spellbinder, where witches lure men into their rituals to sacrifice them.  Not quite as exact but certainly similar is the Wicker Man. 

    If only people knew how boring we are.  What if we kidnapped someone, dragged them to our lair and then… forced them to listen to a guided meditation where we asked our spirit animal to assist us with forgiving ourselves.   Maybe we could drag people into the woods where we could make them grind incense that would open our lives up to prosperity.

  3. That Christian kidnap-school for BGLT kids is appalling. I guess the old anti-cult deprogrammers have a new gig.

  4. In addition to films like The Wicker Man and its remakes, two fairly recent books hinge their plots upon the idea of Pagans continuing human sacrifice- Sam Christer’s 2011 The Stonehenge Legacy imagines a secret, continuing Pagan cult that kidnaps people to sacrifice at Stonehenge, and Leslie Meier’s 2010 Wicked Witch Murder (this is my favorite) imagines a Wiccan coven (the book is very Wicca-specific) that sacrifices victims on the High Holidays. Let’s not forget that “Pagan Ritual Murder” was the charge that got the West Memphis Three convicted.

  5. When I first saw the headline, I thought it was a joke — you’d give him back, he snores! Anyway.  Remember the “deprogrammers” of the 1970s and ’80s?  Yeah.

  6. Why would they need to kidnap any guys? For pagan women, I’m leash trained AND take voice commands! 🙂

  7.  Actually, therapists who deal with ex-cult members have been working against Bible-based cults this whole time. Wellspring, the country’s only retreat center for former cult members is Christian-centric. (That, and the cost, held me back from going, since the cult I was in is a Pagan one, but I digress.)

    I have a former WoW guildmate who was institutionalized for a year by a Dominionist “therapist” for daring to be a 14-year-old lesbian, when she got out she was subjected to a two-week “encounter group” that did, among other things,  sleep deprivation and forced exorcisms. She got out of that cult for a short bit and family pressure pulled her back in. Last I heard she was back in church and had a boyfriend. She was pretty badly not sane when I knew her, cognitive dissonance and PTSD was tearing her apart.

  8. Interesting, this new wrinkle of saying that, specifically, *men* are targeted by these ZOMG PAGAN SACRIFICES. A way of mixing fear of Paganism with MRA-style “men are so badly discriminated against!” misogyny?

  9. Wow, I had no idea the ancient bloodthirsty Druids traded with the First Nations people for pumpkins for their evil jack-o-lantern rites! Learn something new everyday.

  10. Once again, this is a simple punctuation misunderstanding.

    It is a texting/photo exchange service for male encounters of the tummy/genitial nature in the Los Angeles area. 
    Should read –
    “Pagans wanting to ab duct a male member. 
     Of the public, for use as part of their rituals – this La MMS.

    Nothing to worry about

  11. I want to ask if anyone is simpleminded enough to believe this tripe…….but I know that the answer, sadly, is “yes”

  12. (abduct a ‘male member’ of the public…). Sounds like those (Brazilian?) witches that were said to make a man’s penis disappear!
    Cock Robbin’, Cock Robbin’…

  13. I like the idea of a staged kidnap and a ‘dramatised sacrifice’, but the paperwork involved for the real thing is just too much.

    It’s like how we don’t get Satanists round my way – no virgins. 😉

    On a more serious note, we (in Britain) tend to get far less Pagan hysteria than certain other countries, but when it does rear up, it does seem to be more controversial than you might expect.

    I blame a Christian-normative society. We have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” culture here, but as soon as someone steps outside of the accepted norms, it seems as though everyone else takes it really personally.

  14. This accusation is equivalent to the blood libel which Christians raised against the Jews in the Middle Ages and which is still circulated by Russian anti-Semites. One of the Canterbury Tales is the blood libel; there’s also an English folksong (Little Sir Hugh)  that tells the story; it led to murderous riots in English towns. Don’t treat this as a joke. It needs to be denounced vociferously whenever and wherever it is propagated and we should demand that people and organizations that spread this vicious lie against any group must be shamed and shunned.

  15. I noticed at the last Christian influx into our discussions….those people seemed very uninformed about Paganism.  If they read stuff like THAT COMIC, whew!  No wonder!

  16. Way to smash a person’s dreams. Do you know how long I have been waiting for druids to kidnap me and perform pagan rituals on me. sigh…

  17. As a pagan and a human rights activist, I feel I need to emphasize the  kidnapping rate of children for “rehabilitation” – be it religiously motivated or not. It’s a booming, multi-billion dollar industry where kids frequently die as a result of abusive “care.” Although Escula Caribe – the facility documented in Kidnapped for Christ – is a notorious facility, there are many more facilities on US soil that are equally or more abusive than Escula Caribe.

    For more information, visit Cafety.org

  18. WTF… Did I fall into a TARDIS and end up in 1983?

    We should tell them that if they record Jason’s Pagan music podcasts and play them backward, they’ll hear, “ALL YOUR MALE MEMBERS ARE BELONG TO US.”

  19. “I have got a degree in physics, so I’m not an idiot.”

    Hm, what would Sheldon say about this?

  20.  beat me to the pumpkin bit.  I’ll toss in (for the casual readers out there) that Jack-o-laterns were made from turnips..  A friend and I had fun explaining to people why we were carving turnips in the break room one year.

  21. Horrified I am. But can I admit that I think that’s the coolest. looking. jack-o-lantern. ever? I mean, that lopsided smirk. Irresistable.

  22.  As I understand it, the Chick Tract shown on this web page came from the atrocious lies of John Todd, who was the one that Chick Publications latched onto as a “Christian expert”. The John Todd case is interesting in that he was the first of many Christian liars who claimed to have been ex-satanists or ex-witches. In Todd’s  case, he later turned out to be  an exploiter who was interested in teenage female girls for his own sexual needs.

     As for the kidnap a guy for sexual rites,  has it ever occurred to anyone this is a juvenile male lecher prank?  Think about it. Its some immature males imagining themselves as the focus of sex orgies.

  23. This whole pagan kidnapper bit is so rediculous it’s funny , and Jack Chicks litttle comics “tracts” are absurd in their innacuracies.The biggest problem is there are gullible idiots that believe this crap. But on a more serious note , the issue of younglings being actually kidnapped for being gay or non believers must be dealt with . This  stuff is child abuse , physical and mental . Tis hard to believe such things can still happen in this day and time .The appropriate agencies need to get involved and stop this imediatly . This  situation cannot be tolarated here in the US and other places .Besides the whole concept that homosexuality is a mental condition that can be cured needs to be dealt with as well…………can be prayed away.Being Gay is not a choice or lifestyle it just is .Anyone with a thinking brain knows this.     Kilm  

  24.  Obviously his English language skills are still junior high level. ” I have got” is sloppy.

  25.  Christians in general rely upon other Christians to ” inform” them about other beliefs. Since most of the “teachers” are grossly misinformed themselves or outright liars and bigots. what the Joe and Jane Christian robotically says shows both their ignorance and their blindness. They do no question their self-proclaimed experts so they believe without question the various lies and distortions made about us.

     Granted that in recent years there have been a FEW actually good, honest books written by Christians about Paganism ( including Wicca) but for those small good examples are too little too late compared to crap like ” The Witch that Switched” and ” Wicca: Satan’s Little While Lie”.

     They literally do not realize they have been told lies by those they trusted.

  26.  Talk about the head hunters…… 😉

     Supposedly the penis shrinks or something. Rather unreliable organ,if you ask me.

  27. Northern I am sorry about your friend. The Dominionist, exorcism and forced ” straight”  cultic cercion and imprisonment that your guildmate went through is something that should be exposed to the public about this aspect of Christianity. I would like to see some sources online of testimomies of people who went through that type of religious intolerance and Christian cult evil.

  28.  I do think it’s possible to take it seriously as a real-and-scary problem and make fun of these idiots at the same time, though.

  29. Well, I’ve got my ritual-victim all kidnapped, in anticipation of Lammas, and I hope all other Pagans are as on the ball as am I, because you don’t want to wait too long and find that all the good ritual-victims have already been kidnapped by other Pagans!

    I’m so joking: I had a further riff on boiling down my victim’s flesh afterwards, to make unguents out of the fat, and scouring my victim’s bones, to save for future rituals- you know, typical Lammas stuff- but then I was like, that’s getting gross.

    Then I had this other thing about, How am I going to conduct a ritual sacrifice? My apartment’s kind of small; I really don’t have the room. And if I tried to go out on the fire-escape: I’m pretty sure someone would be like, Uh there’s some sort of Pagan Ritual Sacrifice going on, on a fire-escape in Mid-Town.

    Can we start doing Pagan Chick-Tracts? Where it’s all, Pagans are Wonderful People! Pagans are so Warm and Friendly! Pagan Deities are the Most Wonderful on Earth! Here are Happy Pagans, singing and dancing!

    Can we start doing Pagan Chick-Tracts, do you think? Then we could distribute them on street-corners to people, to show them how wonderful Pagans are. 

  30. A satiric conversation between two Pagans:

    She pisses me off so much! She always kidnaps the best ritual-victims, and there are never any good ones left!

    Well, she starts kidnapping her ritual-victims like three weeks early, and that’s not really fair, because it’s not giving other Pagans a chance.

    I know! Like last Samhain, she had her entire basement stocked-full of kidnapped ritual-victims. She was all like, My coven is going to sacrifice thirteen ritual-victims, one for each Moon-Cycle; how many ritual-victims is YOUR coven sacrificing? And I was like, listen, if I had a big old house in the country too, where I could stash ritual-victims to my heart’s content-

    She’s so greedy! She thinks she’s this Big Name Pagan because she sacrifices so many more ritual-victims than anybody else. Well, it’s not the Quantity of the ritual-sacrifice that counts- it’s the Quality!

    You’re so right! That is so true! I’m going to tell her that, next time I see her!

    Satiric Notice from PantheaCon:

    Tonight (9-11 pm): (1) Ritual Drumming in the Oak Room (2) Seid-Ceremony in the Ivy Room, and (3) Ritual Human-Sacrifices in the Pine Room. Participants, please bring your own sacrificing tools, and please conduct your sacrifices on top of the designated tarps (we don’t want to have to replace carpet for the Doubletree again! ADF Druids: I’m looking at you.)

  31. Epping forest is just up the road from me, maybe I should go knocking on doors and ask if they have any spare Christians I could kidnap. You know, as a public service to detect stupid people in the region.  Should see if I can get a grant for the reserach. 🙂

  32.  Someone (Oberon Zell, maybe?) did a Pagan-style Chick Tract ages ago called “The Other People”.

  33.  Ooh! Is there a seminar on how best to perform the sacrifice?

    Or how to properly prepare your sacrifice for slaughter (which mushrooms for which blot, etc.)?

    I could offer a class in ‘artistic disposal’, if that helps.

  34.  *knock knock*

    “Hi can you spare a moment to talk about the gods?”


  35. If you are not a nice person, I’d imagine some sleight-of-hand skills and a specially-modified glove incorporating a cigar cutter would do the trick. 

  36. Damn, my ritual-victim is driving me crazy! He’s all like, I want water! I want food! I want my liberty! I can’t wait for the stroke of midnight on Lammas Eve to sacrifice him.

    **This has been a Parody Post**

  37. Oh my gosh!  They are taking penises? ‘male members’ sounds like a penis to me.
    It’s unfortunate there are people who spread these lies as well as those who believe the lies

  38. You’d be surprised. His degree in physics has nothing to do with his mastery of the English language. People can be brilliant scientists but too  colloquial in words outside of technical terminology. Besides, this was a speech quote, not a written one, and there’s no way for someone to go back and delete what they’ve already said. It’s not a big deal in this case.

  39.  Urgh, Daily Fail!

    I refuse to click on their site because simply going on it increases their ‘hits’, which makes them appear more popular which gives them more ‘power’.

    In fact, (I could be wrong here), I think it was this very blog that made me make that decision.

  40.  That’s why I harvest at the last minute. Saves storage issues and allows for a fresher sacrifice.

    Of course, what I make up in convenience, I lose in quality – I get leftovers, essentially.

  41.  In my ‘vision’, the ‘sacrifice’ would know what was happening before. It would be a fully scripted ritual, rather than an actual kidnapping (which is what your news piece was, regardless of intent).

  42. I actually remember these tracts because they were handed out in my Sunday School or “Super Church” class, back when I was a wee bairn.  Bright, orange, and very tacky, these tracts didn’t really scare me, but the people who handed them out, did!  And neither did they or these publications scare me from celebrating Halloween because, when it’s all about the candy and dressing up for fun, there is nothing, for a child to really be scared of….my mom, however, was pretty upset that the church my sister and I was going towould hand out such fear-mongering material, and let the pastor’s office know.  I never saw those tracts ever again.

  43. Isn’t that comic from Chick Publications?  I’d recognize their visual style anywhere.  Minor details like ankhs being held by Druids don’t phase them.

    You should get the one where the giant computer– well, a giant bank of tape drives– complete with operator in narrow tie at a console– was going to take over the world.  Back in 1977.  My Grandma’s Church had them (shudder.)

    But with obsolete tech like that, the support bills would be enormous.  And you pay extra for on-site support (the guy in a tie.)

    Of course, given the fact that I’m typing this on a PC, to be transmitted on the Internet, it would appear that the computers did win.

    And it IS tough to find a virgin to sacrifice these days!  The prices on eBay are sky high.