Pay Attention. Look for the Helpers. Be a Helper.

There is NOT necessarily anything woo-woo about transcendence.

Recently, I read about the 80/20 rule of communication, which suggests that we should spend 80% of our time listening and 20% of our time talking. And a Zen teacher reinforced this lesson when he challenged me to pay attention to the everyday interactions in my daily life. I recalled the famous Zen koan about the importance of attention:

A student said to Master Ikkyu, “Please write for me something of great wisdom.” Ikkyu picked up his brush and wrote one word: “Attention.” The student said, “Is that all?” The master wrote, “Attention. Attention.” The student became irritable. “That doesn’t seem profound or subtle to me.” In response, Master Ikkyu wrote simply, “Attention. Attention. Attention.”

Pay Attention

Many people spend 80% of their time talking and 20% of their time listening. And most people “focus” on many things, rather than one thing, as described in the bestselling book, Stolen Focus. Analysts report that average human attention spans have decreased significantly, with studies indicating a drop to roughly 45 seconds for a single task, down from 2 1/2 minutes twenty years ago.

Have you ever spent several days in a silent retreat? Then you probably noticed how much easier it was to focus your attention when you were NOT speaking and when you were NOT multitasking. Often, the impact lingers, and the increased body awareness, the focused attention and the slower pace stay with you for days or weeks after the retreat is over.

This week, I took up the Zen teacher’s challenge. I notice how many people are talking, NOT listening, and how many people are distracted, NOT paying attention. My peripheral vision improved. And I noticed the few other people who are listening and paying attention. My attentive self received much more attention from the other attentive people than my distracted self ever received.

In public places, I received knowing smiles from attentive strangers that seemed to say, “Hi! I see that you are paying attention.” And I returned some knowing smiles that were supposed to say, “Thanks for noticing! I see that you are paying attention, too.” This is a very powerful, yet very subtle, type of human connection. We know that we are brothers in arms, kindred spirits.

There is NOT necessarily anything woo-woo about transcendence, which is the process of connecting with something greater than ourselves.

Look for the Helpers

I grew up in suburban Pittsburgh, where Fred Rogers gained fame as the attentive, gentle and kind host of Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood, the groundbreaking children’s television program. Often, Fred Rogers said that his mother always advised him to “Look for the helpers.”

I find that the attentive people are often the helpers. Attentive people are most likely to assess a situation, engage with others and exhibit empathy. Have you ever exchanged knowing glances with that one person in the crowded room who was thinking exactly the same thing that you were thinking? Wordlessly, you knew that he got the joke or that she understood what was happening.

When the sh*t hits the fan, you know who will notice, and you know who will probably do something about it, too. You won’t have to face it alone, and they won’t have to face it alone, either.

Intuitively, you know that they are helpers, and they know that you are a helper, too. When I first published The Way, I dreamt that a young mother, a stranger to me, handed her toddler to me when it appeared that I might escape a raging inferno and that she might NOT escape it. Even in my dream state, I grasped both my awesome responsibility and her tremendous trust in me.

As the Jewish sage Hillel said, “If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am not for others, what am I? And if not now, when?” Of course, I understood the Freudian symbolism of the dream. The baby was my book. The trusting mother was me. The willing rescuer was me, too. In the dream (and in real life), I knew that the baby, the mother and the rescuer would all be OK. (They are.)

Be a Helper

What am I talking about? Zen koans, attention, helpers, babies, dreams… No worries. I’m talking about the same thing that I always talk about:  Everyone is related, and everything is connected. The more that we pay attention, the more that we realize our interconnectedness. And the more that we recognize the overwhelmingly sacred nature of our seemingly secular lives.

I wrote about transcendence here and elsewhere. To me, there is NOT necessarily anything woo-woo about it. Rather, transcendence can be natural, physical and tangible, recognizing the impersonal, interconnected, nontheistic nature of the Universe. When we realize our interconnectedness, we realize our common heritage, our entangled destinies, and our essential Oneness.

One of my dharma brothers told me of an introductory conversation that he had with a Zen teacher many years ago:

Teacher: Who are you?

Student: My name is…

Teacher: No, that’s just your name. Who are you?

Student: I work as…

Teacher: No, that’s just your vocation. Who are you? Try asking me.

Student: OK, who are you?

Teacher: How can I help you?

There is NOT necessarily anything woo-woo about transcendence. Pay attention. Look for the helpers. Be a helper.