The 7 Types of Catholic Confessions

"Sinning Shakespeare"

For whatever reason, the confessional turns some Catholics into would-be poets. These Catholics feel the need to put even the most minor sins in dramatic and lyrical terms. “I stole money from my brother” becomes “the greed born of gold rose in my soul, and I ripped away the rewards earned by the sweat of my own kin.” Why some feel the need to confess in verse is a mystery, but every priest has probably heard at least one Shakespeare worthy soliloquy. The question, of course, is whether or not a priest can determine that “from Satan’s nectar the fires of hell shaped like a rose bloomed in my breast for that which will bear the fruit of my kin and shook the roots of that ancient tree” means “I hit on my brother’s fiancé when I was drunk, and it made for a really awkward Thanksgiving dinner” and assign appropriate penance instead of staring blankly at the confessional wall.