There is nothing "sinful" about sex. If we make mistakes, we should recognize them and try to avoid repeating them, but we should not develop guilt-complexes about them. Sexual lapses are not uniquely wicked, and in fact all but the grosser forms of sexual misconduct are probably on the whole less harmful socially than a lot of other things many people do. But it should be borne in mind that sex does usually involve at least one other person, and potentially the next generation. In this respect it is strictly incumbent on us at all times to act responsibly, which means compassionately. Otherwise, the physical and emotional consequences for somebody may be very serious.
The ideal of sex only within monogamous marriage should be just as valid for Buddhists as for Christians. It should, at least, not be lightly departed from.
The way of mindfulness has been recommended above. Admittedly, not everybody is prepared to practice intensive mindfulness, whatever benefits may be urged for it. But even a moderate degree of habitual mindfulness can produce surprising results. If we learn, with detachment, to watch our desires at play, it is often quite astonishing how they seem to "drop away," almost of their own accord. To take as an example a related problem: many people, when they first come to Buddhism, are worried about the Fifth Precept, which deals with intoxication. "Can't I have a drink occasionally?" they ask, often rather anxiously. The answer is, of course: "It's up to you." But in this case, too, having tried a little mindfulness, they are frequently surprised to find that they want a drink less and less. As a matter of fact, the same principle applies here too. Having discovered the principle, applied it and found that it works, we can decide for ourselves how far we wish to take it. It will take us as far as we are prepared to go.
Some readers may wonder that there has been no mention of the word "love" in the foregoing. To have discussed this question would have led too far. So I will merely quote the following two phrases from a newspaper advice-column: "I am in love" means "I want me to be happy"; "I love" means "I want to make you happy."
Buddhists might reflect, and even meditate, on these two statements -- at various levels.
Golden Rule: Never let Passion override Compassion.
This article is an abbreviated version of a lengthier article, first published at Access to Insight, and is reprinted here with permission.
©1986 Buddhist Publication Society. The Wheel Publication No. 225 (Kandy: Buddhist Publication Society, 1986). This Access to Insight edition is ©2006-2010 John T. Bullitt.
Maurice O'Connell Walshe, an active Buddhist, was Vice-President of the English Sangha Trust, as well as author of numerous articles on Buddhism.
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