Over time, and usually quite soon after we start using, the alcohol or drugs or whatever it is that we do, no longer offers any promise of profound meaning. Instead, it devolves into a never-ending cycle of using, regret, disappointment, promises of change and back again.
At Takiwasi, the goal is to discover the spiritual quest that we were originally on. I think that's part of what made programs like Alcoholics Anonymous and all those that followed as successful as they have been. Step 12 mentions explicitly the attainment of a "spiritual awakening." I honestly believe that it is this spiritual awakening or spiritual quest that we are searching for or trying to realize in our lives.
What advice might you give to a Pagan just entering recovery?
I'd repeat the words of Robert Tindall, and remind people that they are still on a spiritual quest, and the Twelve Steps are one way to approach that journey. I'd tell them that despite the possibly off-putting language that they might hear in meetings, this is just language. The Christian and the Pagan in recovery are both on the same quest. They are using different language to express the same goals. Try to find a group that is less hung up on the language and more interested in the journey.
I'd also remind people that we never fail until we quit, until we stop trying. Some people are able to grab hold early and seemingly find success and recovery easily. For others, it seems a never-ending journey. But the only time we've truly failed is when we give up. As long as we're willing to try, we still have a chance of success.
What, in your opinion, are the most difficult pitfalls (for lack of a better term at this moment) facing a Pagan in a Twelve Step program?
I think that the greatest pitfalls are our own egos. Pretty much every person that I've seen fail when working a Twelve Step program fails because they think that they have their problem licked. They think, "It will be different this time," or "I'm stronger than this disease." Then, with a bit of hubris, they go back out, and discover that it's no different than the last time. Now there may be people who are able to use substances again, after being addicted, but I've not met such people. And my question for those who wish to try is simply "why?" If you have suffered through addiction, detox, and recovery, for what purpose would a person consider using a substance that once had them licked again?
Just about every six months or so, someone I know in recovery goes back out, and dies. At least twice a year, I read about someone, or go to a funeral, because the disease of addiction won. Some of these people have been very dear friends.
So, the pitfall is the lie, the lie that we can safely use that which has already been shown to be deadly to us. If we've recovered from addiction or alcoholism or some other compulsive behavior, if we've proved that we can live our lives without that which held us in thrall, why would we bother trying it again? There might be 1 in 100, or 1 in 1,000 who might be able to use again in safety, but that's a very dangerous experiment, and one that I'm not inclined to participate in.
Has your own experience with this program made you a better Pagan?
Definitely. My recovery and my spirituality are very much intertwined. It was after nearly dying that I realized that I had to find recovery, and that wouldn't have been possible without my spirituality. And if, as Robert Tindall wrote, addiction is "a thwarted spiritual quest," then recovery is the result of a spiritual quest in which we are successful.
The cover of my book contains a design of a Pentacle, on the circumference of which are the words "Let none but thyself be thy master" and "To serve others is to serve oneself." These two apparently contradictory statements are part of my own spirituality. In the first, I remember Doreen Valiente's Charge of the Goddess. While this is pretty much Wiccan literature, it holds great meaning for me, especially near the end, where she writes, "If that which thou seekest, thou findest not within thee, thou wilt never find it without."
The path to recovery is a deep journey within the self. And it's deep within that we encounter Deity on a personal level. We discover what we are looking for within. When we are aligned with our own highest self—the "I am" as some people put it—that's where we find our strength. We encounter Deity when we are in this place. When that place is filled with obsessions or compulsions, we have no room for our selves, or for a relationship with any God or Goddess; that substance or compulsion or obsession has crowded all the rest out, and it, not we, is the master.
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