Archives for October 2011

The 30,000

Say someone gave you $30,000, in cash, and the deal was, you had to live on it as long as you could. You couldn’t do any other income-producing work in that time, you just had to live on the 30 grand.You’d have to pay all your bills on it, provide for all your daily needs. You’d have no additional money coming in, and all your entertainment needs, your health needs, your travel and leisure needs, all would have to come out of that one chunk of money.How long could you live on it? … [Read more...]

Religion vs. Science and Roads Not Taken

Any serious writer could tell you: Not everything you write ends up on a page somewhere.Some of the stuff just isn't good enough. Some of it is good enough, but not germane to the piece you're currently writing. And some of it is good enough but ... just doesn't fit anywhere.This is a piece of a piece that never made it into my book. It's sort of a double reject — the chapter in which it appeared was edited out of the book, but even before that decision was made, this bit was edited out of t … [Read more...]

Pro-Science Presidential Speech (repost)

This was buried fairly far down in a previous post, Obama’s Speechwriter … sort of, and I thought I'd pull it out on its own and repost it. Because, damn, I'd love to hear him make it, or something like it. (Click through to the earlier story to read the context, which was a freelance speech I wrote for the 2008 campaign.)--------------------------------ABCD Speech (1,188 words, about 10 minutes to deliver)One of the major issues of this presidential campaign, for all of the candidates, has … [Read more...]

Are We There Yet? Well, Yeah. Pretty Much.

"The Rapture" — by Robert Bissell I was in a Schmuckapalooza supermarket in my hometown in upstate New York, at 6 p.m. on May 21, 2011, when I realized the end was coming.I remember it exactly because a Christian minister, Harold Camping, had predicted that precise time and date for the Rapture. According to Camping, 200 million Christians would be spirited into Heaven at just that moment. The rest, the left behinds, would live out their days on an increasingly violent Earth until the entire p … [Read more...]

Best Use of the Phrase “Mouth-to-Snout”

Kudos to Wausau, Wisconsin firefighter Jamie Giese and teammates on the Wausau Fire Department, for saving the life of 7-year old Labrador retriever Koda.After rescuing the unconscious dog from a burning house, Giese gave Koda "mouth-to-snout" resuscitation.I've heard it argued more than once that there's something shameful or unnatural in valuing an animal in the same way we value our fellow humans. I like to think that view is somewhat less popular than it once was, but I have no doubt i … [Read more...]

If You Masturbate, You Are … Fabulous

Goddammit, it's not enough that the world is ending today. Now we have to stop touching ourselves too. Because wanking makes you fabulous.Don't misunderstand me — it's okay to be fabulous. Nothing wrong with it. Some of my best friends are fabulous. There are fabulous clubs right here in my hometown, and I see fabulous people walking around in my own neighborhood. There are fabulous parades and celebrations in major cities all over the world. After generations of being considered second-class c … [Read more...]