Avari-Nameh on the ‘Desi X-Men’

Thank goodness I’d just visited the mensroom, ’cause this really could have made me soil myself.

avari: desi x-men

Imagine the X-Men superhero mythology was set in the Subcontinent, instead of the United States. What would some of the mutant characters be? 

The Human Lota. When nature calls, genes intervene. His right hand turns into a lota, and then, once the washing is done, provides blow drying and hand washing capabilities. Just think of the range of this superhero mutant: He can now travel anywhere without fear for maintaining his ritual purity.

Here are a few candidates, which I don’t have time to develop now:

special power(s):

  • can instantly absorb infinite amounts of joy and humor from the air around him, making even a stadium full of drunk MegaBucks winners deadly serious and anxious about their financial solvency;
  • able to transform any young women’s clothing into a nun’s habit within a semester with his incredible disapproving stare;
  • able to have extended concurrent conversations with multiple modestly dressed Muslim women without ever looking them in the eye; and
  • able to live in two parallel universes at once (e.g., Muslim Men’s World, a relaxed resort where Muslim men mix freely with anybody they wish, including immodestly dressed non-Muslim women in the name of dawah; and Planet Purdah, a desolate outpost on the edge of the galaxy where Muslim women are only visible to their husbands, parents, children and all Muslim men).

The Incredible Arab Wannabe

The DaktarKaBeta twins (male & female)

Tablighi Man

Finally an intellectual challenge worthy of me.  Need to free up my calendar to give this the proper attention.

This could be a new genre of fan fiction and there opportunities for other lists (e.g., "YanniMan" for the Arab X-Men) are endless.

I think this looks like a job for Omer Muzaffar. Calling Omer Muzaffar.  Desi-dom needs your help.

  • haroon

    Ha. I like Tablighi Man. He should be able to generate miswaks out of nowhere. The Sunnah will never go unfulfilled.

  • http://asylum60.blogspot.com walski69

    Salams Svend
    I have 2 contributions, if you don’t mind:
    1. Fatwa Man – with the uncanny ability to churn out edicts (fatwa) on every little facet of daily life. This includes which sock to put on first.. BAAMMM! Instant fatwa. Thunder sonic generator and portable van der Graaf generator are part of the superhero costume, for added effect.
    2. The Aposthecizer – superhuman inner vision ray to enable him (male, of course) to zap apostates wherever he sees them. Which is of course almost everywhere, and anyone who doesn’t agree with his p.o.v.
    I have a few more, but unfortunately I have to get back to work. I may even continue this on my own blog, inshaallah, and if time permits.

  • Alex Lahoz

    Don’t forget to give those charachters and appropriatley broad enemy:
    Progressive Man-
    Able to reform Islam without any qualifications whatsoever

  • thabet

    The special powers of the Incredible Arab Wannabe must include peppering a sentence in English with Arabic words, for no good reason (Arabic is often pronounced with an exaggerated Khaleeji or Saudi accent).
    DesiRudeBoy. He is always blinged out. Transport of choice is that car you saw in The Fast and The Furious, with equally gaudy colouring scheme. A desi male with a taste for the crasser elements of urban culture and any piece of clothing with an Italian name on it; even if it is bright turquoise with lime green stripes. Special powers (apart from blinding you with his bling and deafening you with his bassline): annyoing you with his Urban Blinglish.
    InnitGirl — loud, often obnoxious, giggling desi female, who ends every sentence with “innit” (the hijabed version ends with “innit, bro”). Always seems to habit that corner of the library where you’re trying desparately to finish an important piece of coursework. Ends every plural with ‘z’ (e.g. ‘girlz’).
    Hizbi — surprisingly well-educated desi male (often a banker, medic or IT consultant) whose special powers include an ability to relate every aspect of human life, even visiting the toilet, to the imminent restoration of the Ottoman Caliphate. Has an estoeric attachment to the year 1924. If there are three of them, one is declared the amir. Even if they’re just sitting down to have lunch. Be warned: they will approach you everyday after Ast in the prayer room and invite you for a “talk”. Rumour has it that the Hizbi gene has mutated amongst Arab peoples, but this can never be verified.

  • svend

    I like DesiRudeBoy!
    In the case of the Incredible Arab Wannabe, don’t forget wearing random Arab clothes, like thobes, to religious events.
    Ah, Hizbi. A beloved figure. But he has an evil twin who goes around beating up people who use words he can’t understand. Also, Hizbi seems to exist in most races, so unless the desi variant is notably distinct (a mutan of a mutant), he probably belongs in the Arab superhero list.
    Alex, touché! Progressive Man sounds like a worthy and chilling villain. A mastermind like Lex Luthor. I actually would’ve included him but I was trying to focus on particularly desi heroes (though, MSA Boy is arguably not all that desi).
    We’ll need some generic Muslim superheroes (and villains).
    BTW, I think Uncle Man would have to be the equivalent of Professor X.
    This could actually be a lot of fun. Too bad I can’t draw…

  • Tony

    It’s funny you guys mentioned desi x-men…I ran across this website the other day
    though slightly offensive and stereotypical, I still found it funny