Frequently Searched Questions: Make Church Faster

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is the Pedofile.

Q 1. This man may be a pedo.

Okay, well, you should prolly get away from him instead of taking the time to tell Google about it.

Q 2. Should Christians watch Avatar the Last Air Bender?

There is only one Avatar and he ain’t blue and he bends air and doesn’t do motion pictures. Yes, Christians should definitely watch Avatar the Last Airbender.

Q 3. Sinister family hanging out ’11.

Welp, here we are. Just hangin out in ’11. Chill on the stairs. Like not awkward people in a family portrait.


Q 4. How to tell a mans a pedofile by what he says.

Well, if he says, “I’m a pedofile” then that’s a pretty good sign that he has trouble spelling.

Q 5. Graham Woodruffe fake.

Woodruffe is a rather preposterous name. I’m going to go ahead and say yes. Yes, Graham Woodruffe is a fake. Whoever he is.

Q 6. Make church faster.

Options: Arrive late.


Build a time machine.

Have church on a jet.

During worship, clap slightly faster than everyone else to subtly increase the tempo of the song.

Pay attention.

Q 7. Casual married private home sex.

You mean like non-scheduled married sex? Too dangerous. Stick to Formal Married Private Home Sex, or FMPHS for short. Go have some FMPHS.

Q 8. What is orange juice good for?

Drinking from a cup which you place on your mouth and then swallowing it to gain nutrition and delicious–are you sure you should be using a computer?

Q 9. Full sexy image.

#ThugLife #BaldisSexy #AnywaytheBulldogisCute

I got this.

Q 10. Skyfall ending spoilers.

At the end of Skyfall you leave the theater more aware of your inadequacies as a man than ever before. The rest of your day, and perhaps the rest of your life, is spoiled. And Bond dies saving whatshername.

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What Are Your Thoughts?leave a comment
  • Faith Newport

    FYI everyone, this is my new favorite CAPC column.

    Thanks for the weekly laugh, Alan…

  • Steve S.

    Re: “Make Church Faster,” the Catholics can get it down to 15 minutes. Evangelical Protestants are such slowpokes.

  • Steve S. has never heard of Anglicans.

  • #7 cracked me up! ELCA Lutherans keep their sermons at a maximum of 10 minutes.

  • Alan Noble

    Number 7 is Casual Married Home Sex…..

  • Same thing.


  • Someone Who Knows The Truth

    There is nothing fake about pedophiles, hes a pedophile. Let the truth set you free. Amen