Frequently Searched Questions: Why Is the Harlem Shake with the Terrorists?

The following are actual search terms people typed into Google (Yahoo?) which directed them to CaPC. In most cases they didn’t find the answer they were looking for on our site. FSQ is an attempt to remedy this problem by answering some of the most (de)pressing questions sent to us through search terms.

This week’s theme is Richard Is Not as Good at This as Alan

Q 1. Fictional books with biblical things

If you must read books at all (I prefer videogames), and you want to stick to purely biblical subject matter, you could check out one of my favorites: Genesis. It’s the story of the beginning of the earth. Also check out the highly praised sequel, Exodus: Revenge of Moses. Lulls a bit in the middle but still pretty good. But stay away from Ecclesiastes. Not one biblical thing in it.

Also try Left Behind. Way more biblical than its follow-up, Tribulation Force. But as is always the case, the videogame is way better.

is better than

is better than

Q 2. Should a shy introvert teach English

Not unless you’re teaching a bunch of shy extroverts. That’s the only way I can imagine this will work. Wait, you mean to animals? That could work. Like teaching Babe to talk or whatever?

“The rain in Spain falls oink?? Ahh crap.”

Q 3. Ten things you should never say to church visitors

Stand back, imma do this:

1. “Hi, I’m a bear and I will eat you.”
2. “Go away.”
3. “Did you bring your tithe?”
4. “Let me hug your neck!”
5. “Sorry about the smell.”
6. “Where’s your other wife?”
7. “Are you going to raise your hands? We like to raise our hands here, you should raise your hands.”
8. “We have communion today! You’re not allowed to participate, but don’t worry, it’d just kill you anyway.”
9. “Will you be my friend?”
10. “Get me out of here.”

Q 4. If the worship team sucks should I quit

Oh, absolutely. Don’t just quit the band. Quit playing guitar. Cause it’s probably your fault.

Q 5. Should christians listen to Michael Jackson’s Thriller

Yeah. It should be required listening for all Christians. Because it’s about resurrection.

Q 6. Christian clubbing John MacArthur

Come on yall, cut it out. He’s a good guy. He doesn’t deserved to be clubbed by a gang of ruffian hipster evangelical do-badders. Poor guy.

Q 7. Why is the Harlem shake with the terrorists

Because the United States government sold it to them after producing way to many Harlem Shake videos and finding themselves with an extreme surplus. It’s all part of the Harlem Shake Industrial Complex, and it’s basically the reason for all of our problems and wars and stuff.

Also when the terrorists do the Harlem Shake it’s easier to spot them with our drones.

Q 8. Cryonics negatives

Well for starters, it’s just way too cold if you ask me.

Q 9. Mark driscolls wife

A wonderful, lovely lady. Please don’t beat me up.

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  • http://lovesubverts.com M. Joshua

    I absolutely love Q3! Here’s a few that I’ve actually used quite effectively:

    “Don’t worry. We’re all crazy here.”
    “Please don’t mind my purple cape.”

    My wife is effectively getting me to stop saying such things. I haven’t seen any of those folks since.

  • http://twitter.com/manuel.joyner Manuel

    Hahaha…I was searching for the meaning of the lady saying “with the terrorrists” in the baauer song and I got this..not bad, man.