Stuff my son says

By Christian Piatt

To say my son is a wellspring of quotable quotes would be playing down his uniqueness of word choice. In fact, he’s such a great source of material that I’ve written two books about him so far. The first book, called PregMANcy: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date, is due out in spring, 2012.

Each chapter begins with a quote from Mattias, who is seven. He’s ridiculously bright, a musical prodigy, but he struggles socially. In fact, he’s spent part of the summer going through a battery of assessments for autism spectrum issues. The jury’s out among the cabal of child development professionals, but one thing is clear:

This is no ordinary kid.

Following are ten of my favorite quotes from Mattias over the years.

Mattias: “Daddy, you suck.”

Amy (my wife): “Mattias, tell your daddy you’re sorry.”

Mattias: “Okay. Daddy, I’m sorry you suck.”

-Mattias, 3 years, 3 months


“It smells like daddy in here. It smells like poop.”

-Mattias, 2 years, 11 months


Me: “Mattias, you did a really good job playing the tambourine.”

Mattias: “I know, but I peed my pants.”

-Mattias -3 years, 3 months


Me: “Mattias, are you OK in there?”

Mattias: “Yeah, I’m just in here being good, but I think the balloon pooped.”

-Mattias, 3 years, 1 month


“Frankenstein has just a little bit of hair, just like you, daddy.”

- Mattias, 2 years, 11 months


“Hair on naked parts is great!”

- Mattias, 3 years 2 months


“Oh God, please don’t be invisible. I don’t know how to do this. Please don’t let all the bees sting me. I don’t want to die. Please don’t let everybody die. Please don’t let me be a big pile of ashes that the people put on their heads. Please don’t be invisible. I can’t do this. I’ll just die and be with you. Please, God.”

-Mattias, 4 years, 5 months


“My testicles are poofy.”

-Mattias, 3 years, 1 month


Amy: “Stay in your seat.”

Mattias: “Chicken feet.”

Me: “Mattias, sit down or you’ll have to sit between us.”

Mattias: “Chicken penis.”

- Mattias, 2 years, 9 months


“Dad, I love you and you love me, and even when you’re mad, you love me too.”

-Mattias, 3 years, 0 months


Parenting is definitely more art than science, and often times it’s impossible to know if you’re helping your child grow up or dooming them to a lifetime on the therapist’s couch. But just when you’re convinced your kid is an evil mastermind in the making, he drops a gem like the last quote on you.

So between fits, time-outs and incessant questions, I try to sit back and really notice what amazing little flesh-and-blood miracles these children are.

And yes, Mattias. Even when I’m mad, I love you.


Christian Piatt is an author, editor, speaker, musician and spoken word artist. He co-founded Milagro Christian Church in Pueblo, Colorado with his wife, Rev. Amy Piatt, in 2004. Christian is the creator and editor of the Banned Questions book series, which include Banned Questions About the Bible and Banned Questions About Jesus. He co-created and co-edits the “WTF: Where’s the Faith?” young adult series with Chalice Press, and he has a memoir on faith, family and parenting being published in early 2012 called PregMANcy: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date. For more information about Christian, visit, or find him on Twitter or Facebook.

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About Christian Piatt

Christian Piatt is the creator and editor of BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT THE BIBLE and BANNED QUESTIONS ABOUT JESUS. He has a memoir on faith, family and parenting called PREGMANCY: A Dad, a Little Dude and a Due Date, and Hachette published his first hardcover book, "postChristian: What's left? Can we fix it? Do we care?" in 2014. His first novel, "Blood Doctrine," has been optioned by a Hollywood production company for a possible TV series.

Christian is the cofounder and cohost of the Homebrewed CultureCast, a podcast about popular culture, current events and spirituality that has a weekly audience of 25,000 people (

Preorder Christian's next book, "Not That Kind of Christian: Loving God without being an a**hole," at

For more information about Christian, visit, or find him on Twitter ( or Facebook.

  • Lorale

    Little kids are great. Remember Art Linkletter and “Kids say the darnedest things?” This is one Aiden said a couple of weeks ago, she is 3 years and 3 months old, “Balcanos make dinosaurs stink”.

    • Christian Piatt

      That is awesome!

  • Linda Brendle

    Love that kid – and his dad, too.

    Good stuff.