The Greatest Religion Joke Ever Told?

“When I mention religion,” says Parson Thwackum in Henry Fielding’s 1749 novel The History of Tom Jones, a Foundling, “I mean the Christian religion; and not only the Christian religion, but the Protestant religion; and not only the Protestant religion, but the Church of England.”

This is, I think, pretty much akin to the narrow attitude of some American voters and/or religious polemicists who demand that their presidential candidates either share their theology or be effectively barred from high office in the United States.

Which brings me to what some, at least, consider the greatest joke on a religious topic ever told.  An American comedian named Emo Phillips claims to have written it, and I have no particular objection to giving him the credit.  (I certainly didn’t write the joke.)  It runs as follows:

Once I saw this guy on a bridge, about to jump.

I said, “Don’t do it!”

He said, “Nobody loves me.”

I said, “God loves you. Do you believe in God?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Are you a Christian or a Jew?”

He said, “A Christian.”

I said, “Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?”

He said, “Protestant.”

I said, “Me, too! What denomination?”

He said, “Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist.”

I said, “Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region.”

I said, “Me, too!  Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?”

He said, “Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912.”

I said, “Die, heretic!” And I pushed him over.

Print Friendly

  • CaliBornUtahnByChoice

    Good one. I like the one about the Catholic Priest, Baptist Minister and Rabbi were discussing how they collect and distribute offerings between the Lord’s parish work and himself. Priest said, “I place the offereings into one basket, go into the court yard and draw a line. I throw them in the air. That which falls on the left side He keep and it goes to the church. That which lands on the right side I keep.”
    The Minister said, “i do it likewise except a draw a circle. I throw the offerings into the air. That which lands outside the circle He keeps, and within I keep.”
    The Rabbi said, “I do likewise. I throw the money into the air. That which he grabs, He keeps…”

  • CaliBornUtahnByChoice

    You’ve heard them all so here are some good punch lines so you can relive them:
    “Funny thing. I send my Son to Jerusalem, He become a Christian!”
    “Should we show him where the rocks are?’ Said the other, ‘What rocks?”
    “From here it’s a local call.”
    “Jacky, ‘Did you gain absolution?’ Said Sean, ‘No, but I got 3 pretty good referrals.”
    “(Said in a Cockney accent) Judas said, “So, governor, do you think it might be me?”
    “The right translation was ‘celebrate!”
    “Said the Devil, ‘Look, are you going to play golf or show off?”

    More to come if you like…


CLOSE | X

HIDE | X