My Bush League Stalker

I regularly win lotteries that I haven’t entered in the Caribbean, Hong Kong, and the United Kingdom, and daughters of deceased West African presidents, generals, cabinet ministers, and bank executives routinely seek me out — my Christian walk and my sterling qualities of prudence, honesty, and discretion are apparently celebrated in many parts of the globe, if only rarely among angry online ex-Mormon apostates — to serve as the custodian for multimillion dollar inheritances that need to be protected.

I was absent from the team photo that day.

But a friend recently received the following anonymous note, which trumps all of the foregoing and, frankly, makes the efforts of my own Malevolent Stalker — days and nights spent (thus far, I think, figuratively) going through the trash in my dumpster — look like those of a rank and rather impotent amateur:

“This is the only way I could contact you for now,I want you to be very careful about this and keep this secret with you until I make out space for us to see. You have no need of knowing who I am or where i am from.I know this may sound very surprising to you but it’s the situation.I have been paid some ransom in advance to terminate you with some reasons listed to me by my employer.It’s someone I believe you call a friend, I have followed you closely for a while now and have seen that you are innocent of the accusations leveled against you. Do not contact the police or try to send a copy of this to them,because if you do, I will know,and I might be pushed to do what I have been paid to do.Besides, this is the first time I turn out to be a betrayer in my job.I took pity on you and your kids… That is why I have made up my mind to help you if you are willing to help yourself.”

I report; you decide:

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