Bomb Canada! The Case for War

 

Why should beautiful parts of America like this be left under the control of foreigners?
(Click to enlarge.)

 

With “Canada Day” swiftly approaching — it’s scheduled for 1 July this year, just three days before 4 July (which is a slyly calculated insult and provocation if I’ve ever seen one) — it’s time for real Americans to confront one of the most pressing yet neglected foreign policy questions of our time:

 

Why on earth is there an independent Canada?  Does it serve any useful purpose?  And, even if we choose to permit some portion of Canada to survive, shouldn’t that part be, at most, Quebec?  Where they talk funny and, no doubt, eat snails?

 

Why should Canada own Toronto?  It’s a very nice city, and I want it.  And I love Vancouver and the Canadian Rockies.  We should own those, too.  They could even still be called “the Canadian Rockies,” I suppose, just as we retained some names from Mexico (e.g., “[Alta] California” and “Los Angeles”).

 

English-speaking Canada is practically American anyway, right?  Except for the infection from Quebec that leads to such abominations as centre for center and cheque for check and colour for color.

 

In case you haven’t ever seen any of them before, here’s a picture of some Canadians:

 

Wearing ridiculous uniforms like this, the Canadian military probably won’t put up much of a fight.

 

Notice the look of low cunning on their sullen faces, and their all-too-visible malice.  Did you know that they don’t even claim to be honorable?  Instead, they try to fake us out with something called honour, which, I think, is something very, very different, and very sinister.  Probably something cooked up by people who eat the legs off of frogs.  And snails.

 

Do regular Americans realize that there are ten provincial “premiers” in Canada, and three territorial “premiers”?  Premier was the title of the leader of the former Soviet Union, for Pete’s sake!  When I was growing up, we were all worried about the designs of the Soviet premier on us.  And there was just one of him.  Now there are thirteen — thirteen!  a coincidence? — poised right above us, all along our northern border!  And they move among us.  They’ve infiltrated Hollywood.  They conduct orchestras, run American businesses, play baseball (the American pastime).  One of them probably sits in the White House even as we speak.  (Have you seen his birth certificate?)

 

Too much of this continent belongs to such malevolent beings.  I say “Nuke ‘em!”

 

 

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  • rockyrd

    Listen to “Political Science” by Randy Newman (available on iTunes). Perhaps the inspiration for this post?

    • DanielPeterson

      Oddly, I don’t remember hearing that particular song. But Randy Newman is one of the most acute political analysts America has ever produced, so it’s good to know that he’s on my side.

  • Chris Baker

    Hahaha. Very nice .

  • rockyrd

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4QbUSjnhv6M

    This is a young Randy Newman. There is also You Tube of the older Newman singing the song. Lyrics are available on the Internet. It’s about as cynical as it gets, except, perhaps, for the post above! Neither are to be missed.
    Happy Father’s Day.

    • DanielPeterson

      Can a country have TWO national anthems?

  • http://kgbudge.com kgbudge

    I think Saskatchewan and Manitoba would make swell state names. British Columbia needs some work.

  • Ray Agostini

    Incidentally, Dan, it’s “cheque”, but being American, you’re forgiven.

    • DanielPeterson

      Argh. I even know that. How did THAT get by?

      I blame it on Canada.

  • crazycanuck

    its america who corrupted us… u are an idiot ;) and u want to bomb us just because were pretty?……mmmmmkaayyy…..way to go. u wouldnt see us canadians talking about other countries like this ;) we dont have murder in our hearts. and we love our country, which is why its so damn beautiful! im proud to be canadian=] and very glad not to be American.

    • DanielPeterson

      crazycanuck’s note, above, made my day. He almost seems serious. But not even a Canadian could be that stupid.


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