With “Canada Day” swiftly approaching — it’s scheduled for 1 July this year, just three days before 4 July (which is a slyly calculated insult and provocation if I’ve ever seen one) — it’s time for real Americans to confront one of the most pressing yet neglected foreign policy questions of our time:
Why on earth is there an independent Canada? Does it serve any useful purpose? And, even if we choose to permit some portion of Canada to survive, shouldn’t that part be, at most, Quebec? Where they talk funny and, no doubt, eat snails?
Why should Canada own Toronto? It’s a very nice city, and I want it. And I love Vancouver and the Canadian Rockies. We should own those, too. They could even still be called “the Canadian Rockies,” I suppose, just as we retained some names from Mexico (e.g., “[Alta] California” and “Los Angeles”).
English-speaking Canada is practically American anyway, right? Except for the infection from Quebec that leads to such abominations as centre for center and cheque for check and colour for color.
In case you haven’t ever seen any of them before, here’s a picture of some Canadians:
Notice the look of low cunning on their sullen faces, and their all-too-visible malice. Did you know that they don’t even claim to be honorable? Instead, they try to fake us out with something called honour, which, I think, is something very, very different, and very sinister. Probably something cooked up by people who eat the legs off of frogs. And snails.
Do regular Americans realize that there are ten provincial “premiers” in Canada, and three territorial “premiers”? Premier was the title of the leader of the former Soviet Union, for Pete’s sake! When I was growing up, we were all worried about the designs of the Soviet premier on us. And there was just one of him. Now there are thirteen — thirteen! a coincidence? — poised right above us, all along our northern border! And they move among us. They’ve infiltrated Hollywood. They conduct orchestras, run American businesses, play baseball (the American pastime). One of them probably sits in the White House even as we speak. (Have you seen his birth certificate?)
Too much of this continent belongs to such malevolent beings. I say “Nuke ‘em!”