The Cobra Commander Dialogues: II.IX.4

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Good Men Are Hard to Find.

Cobra Commander: Okay phew… looks like that creep is gone and I can get back to…
Eddie: Hi! Sorry to bother you.
Cobra Commander: Oh dear sweet… look what do you people want from me this time!?
Eddie: Sorry, again terribly sorry but I’m under strict orders to be here.
Cobra Commander: And who, pray tell, are you? Another one of those incompetent villains or violent heroes?
Eddie: Ah neither actually. Funny business that, I’m just a regular guy. The name is Eddie sir.
Cobra Commander: What? I’m sorry but have you realized that you’re talking to a man with a blank chrome face mask? Are you aware of the fact that I’m the leader of a ruthless terrorist organization? I have a weather dominator for Pete’s sake! I don’t deal with ‘Regular Guys.’
Eddie: Oh I’m quite sure you don’t sir! I really apologize for the interruption but I’m under orders to try and find anyone who can help save my failing railroad company and I’ve heard from a few people that you’re a very competent and reasonable man.
Cobra Commander: That is shockingly naïve and somehow mildly endearing at the same time. But I’m more in the business of robbing trains than building them. Probably with… giant… snake trains… actually hold on I’m going to jot that down as an idea for later.
Eddie: Well I’m really sorry to hear that sir… it was very hard to get here but I’ll respect your decision and I’m just going to have to work all the harder to ensure that all the people working for us have a job they can keep up with so they can keep food on their plates and a roof over their heads.
Cobra Commander: Hey look. This might sound kind of schmaltzy but are you sure you’re not a hero? I mean don’t feel like you have to lie just so I don’t throw you into a deathtrap or something. I’ve honestly been trying to find some heroes to deal with for awhile and it would be a nice change of pace to meet one.
Eddie: Oh no sir! I couldn’t be a hero sir. I just tirelessly work for the betterment of others, selflessly sacrificing myself not only so that my superiors can enjoy vacations to ‘find themselves’ while the world collapses around them but also to do everything I can to help the working men that I frequently seem to have meetings and talk with.
Cobra Commander: Hey look… just because you’re not waving around a blue laser gun or dressed up like someone from the Village People doesn’t mean you’re not a hero. I mean… it might help the self image if you put on a really stylized railroad engineer costume but that’s just the way we tend to do things. You know you can be very heroic by just doing the right thing.
Eddie: Oh I wish I could but unfortunately that’s impossible. I’m not super competent. I’m just, sadly, competent. I mean I work very hard and do a good job, but I don’t possess implausible skills so I could never be a proper hero.
Cobra Commander: And that is important how?
Eddie: Well everyone knows that heroes have to be absolutely perfect at everything they do. Like my boss Dagny who abandoned her company to go live out in the woods and can correctly, intuitively know when railroad warning signs are malfunctions or not. Oh Dagny…
Cobra Commander: Okay we’ll get back to that in a second but… but are you like… into your boss?
Eddie: Why I! Er… I mean… no… she’s far too perfect for me…
Cobra Commander: Oh don’t sell yourself short, you seem like a nice guy.
Eddie: Exactly. I could never bring myself to forcefully own her like a piece of property in the way that Hank…
Cobra Commander: Oh. No. Wait. Never mind… we’re just… going to skip over that…
Eddie: Yeah, it’s kind of embarrassing that I respect her desires and wishes like a person… it’s a flaw I’m never going to get past.
Cobra Commander: I… okay back on to where we skipped over earlier since that kind of ties into it. You’ve got empathy Egbert.
Eddie: Eddie.
Cobra Commander: Whatever. Point is you actually care about other people. And heck you actually seem to experience actual human emotions which is something of a rarity around here.
Eddie: I know, another failing of mine.
Cobra Commander: It’s not a failing! You work hard and try to do the right thing and you care about people. Also you’re willing to bravely take risks when you don’t know if you’ll succeed, and are willing to take on dangerous tasks and deal with dangerous people that you’re afraid of. That makes you a real working man hero Eddie! And considering the shortage of proper heroes in this world it could really use one!
Eddie: Wow… you really think so?
Cobra Commander: I know so, now why don’t you try saying it?
Eddie: I’m… I’m a hero?
Cobra Commander: That’s it, now with conviction!
Eddie: I’m a hero!
Cobra Commander: Wonderful! Now, Cobra Troopers, seize this man and toss him in the Snake Train that I’m going to also have you guys have to go get on building for me!
Eddie: B-but you said you wouldn’t throw me in a deathtrap!
Cobra Commander: I lied. Sort of what villains do.
Eddie: B-but… Dagny! *Is dragged off by Cobra Troopers*
Cobra Commander: Ah… feels good to have things back in their proper place for once.