The Cobra Commander Dialogues: II.VI.1

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: Solidarność.

Cobra Commander: “Alright, so tell me your plan.”
Mouch: “Okay so… we’re going to implement restrictions on the economy that are nonsensical and absurd.”
Cobra Commander: “I like where you’re going so far… I mean I would recommend you call this new ‘Directive’ something like the ‘Python Initiative’ or maybe the ‘Brown Recluse Doctrine’ but that’s just me.”
Mouch: “Noted, but we are going to do this publicly, and we’re all aware of how evil this whole thing is because we’re doing it strictly to oppose a bunch of self righteous do-gooders!”
Cobra Commander: “Excellent! So how do you take over the world?”
Mouch: “What? No we don’t take over the world, we actually already own it. We have like the government and numerous chunks of the private sector already in our pocket. This plan is to destroy the world.”
Cobra Commander: “Wait what? Why? If you run the world now why are you destroying it?”
Mouch: “Because we really, REALLY hate the good guys we’re up against and we can rub it in their faces.”
Cobra Commander: “Well… I guess I can get behind that… I think… I mean it is evil… what’s your plan to deal with the heroes when they intervene to try and save the world?”
Mouch: “Oh they won’t.”
Cobra Commander: “But you said they’re the good guys!”
Mouch: “Yeah but they want to destroy the world too. Or I mean at least all the people in it. I guess they want to keep resources if they can but they’d be fine with the rest of the world just dying.”
Cobra Commander: “Look I’m not sure you guys understand this whole… villain/hero thing. Also how are you going to rub it in their faces if they also don’t care if you destroy the world or not?”
Mouch: “Well we didn’t think that part through, we’re all pretty open and honest about the fact that the heroes we’re up against are smarter than us so we don’t have a chance of victory really.”
Cobra Commander: “If the heroes you’re up against are smarter than you… I mean… okay first of all you shouldn’t own up to that.”
Mouch: “Oh but we do! Like very honestly and openly too, we actually say it out loud sometimes.”
Cobra Commander: “Yeah okay let’s table that for now, but I mean how did you guys conquer the world if the guys you’re up against are all smarter than you?”
Mouch: “Richer too, and very powerful and influential.”
Cobra Commander: “Okay seriously, yes, how did you take over the world? I’m… I don’t know if I can just get past this yet. Did it involve any giant robotic anacondas? Maybe a rock group that actually has a hypnotic song that makes people buy soda you’re selling to make a lot of money or something?”
Mouch: “Oh no no, nothing so difficult as that. When it comes to the government we’re just popularly elected, and the private sector industry we’ve taken over the heroes didn’t really try to stop us.”
Cobra Commander: “Wait, if you’re publicly elected then… I mean, are you sure there wasn’t hypnosis or…”
Mouch: “Nope! Public just likes us better than the heroes, mostly because they treat the common man like garbage.”
Cobra Commander: “Okay, maybe you guys are both the villains here, maybe that’s where I’m getting confused about this whole thing.”
Mouch: “Oh no they’re definitely the heroes. They blow up buildings and injure innocent people, practice open seas piracy, implement lax safety regulations, cheat on their wives and constantly threaten to murder people.”
Cobra Commander: “Alright I give up.”