The Cobra Commander Dialogues: II.X.4

Originally posted on Atlas Shrugged: The Rapture of the Capitalists.

Cobra Commander: And now we’re sitting here in a stolen plane.
Dagny: It’s not stolen. I bribed someone and then took it.
Cobra Commander: Trust me, that’s stealing. Also you paid for it with a check in a world where it seems like everything is collapsing. Who would even take checks now?
Dagny: It’s not stealing because I did it and I’m a hero, and heroes never steal. Also I’m a hero so obviously I stand by my word.
Cobra Commander: You’re demonstrating to this person who doesn’t know you that you are, in fact, a thief, so why wouldn’t he just assume that it’s a forged check, or that it will bounce? And that’s all assuming he even still knows about a bank that would even accept actual checks for thousands of dollars from random people who wandered out of the woods while the entire economic infrastructure of the world is falling apart around him.
Dagny: I know, it was a great plan that went off without a hitch.
Cobra Commander: That’s the kind of ad hoc morality and logic I’m starting to expect from heroes like you.
Dagny: Thank you!
Cobra Commander: Not a compliment.
Dagny: You didn’t have to come with me you know.
Cobra Commander: Oh I know, I had a perfectly good snake train back there, but if I had to sit around and deal with any more of that Owen jerks winking and nodding…
Dagny: I still am not totally sure what he’s getting on about.
Cobra Commander: Seriously? Seriously. You’re supposed to be the smartest woman in the world, or thereabouts, and you haven’t figured this out yet?
Dagny: Well how could I!
Cobra Commander: I… I hate that I know all this but I’ve been talking with enough of your quote unquote friends and I know for a fact that some of them have explicitly told you there is a secret society around, and one of them has admitted to being in it
Dagny: It boggles the mind!
Cobra Commander: NO IT DOESN’T! That hobo jerk told you an incredibly easy to understand story about what is going on!
Dagny: He was so cryptic!
Cobra Commander: His story, about who John Galt was, included a man NAMED JOHN GALT. And he told you the exact things that John Galt said, and what his goal was. And they completely match up to everything you know your friends in the secret society are doing RIGHT THIS VERY MOMENT.
Dagny: Well right this very moment I’m flying an airplane while chasing down a super motor so I don’t have time to worry about that.
Cobra Commander: Yeah I was meaning to ask, how are you a licensed pilot? I mean that’s the sort of thing that usually people in your earning bracket would do as a hobby but I was pretty sure you didn’t have any of those.
Dagny: Well I can do anything, since I’m a hero.
Cobra Commander: Anything besides put together incredibly obvious clues you mean… I mean where I come from yes everyone is arbitrarily a licensed pilot but they’re all military personnel so it’s kind of forgivable, you’re a train magnate. Actually isn’t that kind of weird?
Dagny: What, that I am so beautiful and smart and talented?
Cobra Commander: No I mean… it just always felt like this world was oddly without planes for some reason, what with how apparently important shipping and rail travel seems to be but with air travel never really getting mentioned.
Dagny: Trains are the way of the future you know.
Cobra Commander: Demonstrably false. But to all of a sudden have you just happen to stumble on a random perfectly maintained plane in the middle of a desolate dying world that you just happen to know how to fly and with it you just happen to find the one person in the world you’re looking for on another plane. just in time for you to follow him which is very difficult to do in planes… Wow you know that all seems ridiculously arbitrary when it comes to getting you to a location that you have friends at. I mean any one of them could have just told you where it was or given you a map rather than this absurd string of improbable occurrences happening.
Dagny: No time to think about all that, we’re going to crash!
Cobra Commander: What, why?
Dagny: On purpose! To solve a mystery!
Cobra Commander: And that’s why you are bad at solving mysteries! Alright thankfully I packed a parachute.
Dagny: What? You were on a train earlier today!
Cobra Commander: Believe me in my line of work it always pays to pack a parachute. I can’t remember the last day that went without me diving out of some exploding flying vehicle.
Dagny: We’re going down! WHO IS JOHN GALT!?
Cobra Commander: What kind of idiot shouts something random while a planes crashing!? *jumps from the plane* COBRA!