Let it first be said that I have a deep and ongoing respect for law enforcement officers. I’ve had friends who are police officers and I know and understand the pressures and responsibilities that they work under every day, and I honor them for that.
That being said, I was recently walking across the street to get to a comedy club I was working at, when this police officer put his car into reverse and hit me!
When I scampered around to his window to tell him that I was okay and he didn’t need to worry about me, the guy didn’t even look up from his smartphone!! He just sat there and ignored me.
At the end of it all, I’m simply amazed at how quick I was to apologize to a man who had just hit me with his car… while I was walking… in a crosswalk! “Sorry. I hope my boney elbow didn’t dent your heavily armored police car. I hope my collarbone and forehead didn’t scuff your nice paint job. I hope my startled scream didn’t jar you out of your dream stage. Was I rude when I interrupted your Candy Crush session? Can I clean my life’s-blood off of your back window for you?”
I wanted to call the police. But if I did call them, the closest officer would be THIS GUY! Then again, it might be fun to give him a statement, if for nothing else but to vent a little:
Officer: Can you describe the assailant?
Me: Yeah, he was a rude, spacey, distracted, boorish creep. I think he should resign. He should find a pastime that he has more passion for, like being in a coma.
Officer: Can you give me a more solid description of the man?
Me: Not without consequences.
Then, comedian Ron McGehee calls into the show to talk about what it’s like to be married to another comic (Kerri Pomarolli).
But Ron’s greatest struggle is feeding their six-year-old daughter. He’s learned that when children are very young, you’re constantly telling them NOT to put everything in their mouths. But then at some point, they flip a switch in their brains and they won’t eat a thing. Nevermind that 30 minutes ago, it was their favorite food. Even the best of entrees like poached salmon have no allure to them, until you learn to negotiate. One night, Kerri offered that their daughter could have ice cream after dinner if she ate her salmon… but this merely transfigured their daughter into a six-year-old version of Smeagol from Lord of the Rings. Not an easy sight to behold!
Phil recently received a nice card from a woman who appreciated his work. It even had a Bible verse written in it: “Be kind one to another.”
This was in regards to a novel he had written about a boy who had de-winged a fly, and she called Phil out, knowing that HE had been that little, sadistic boy and needed to learn to be kinder and gentler!
But sometimes you just gotta laugh.
However, there are some people who feel like it’s inappropriate to laugh during life’s difficult seasons. Phil has the best words for these people:
“We have lost six family members in the last 18 months: my wife has watched her two sisters die of Huntington’s disease after being curled up in the fetal position for 25 years and I gotta tell you – if you don’t laugh, you ain’t gonna live! You simply won’t survive. Laughter is the key to staying married… it’s not buying chocolates… it’s not being blatantly honest… it’s laughter!”