Let’s have a candid talk about UUH, a problem most people ignore until it is too late. Unrequested Unwanted Help (UUH) is the most powerful force for unwanted control in the civilized world. In an advanced stage of UUH, a person can be made to feel guilty for not appreciating something they never wanted!
“After all I have done for you,” he said, “you have the nerve not to do this one favor.”
This is advanced UUH, but all of us fall into the trap of mild UUH. We do things for folks without asking because we assume they want it, and then we wait for the showers of reciprocal blessing to fall on us. Love does not demand payment in return for good gifts.
Manipulation is not loving.
The loving person knows what the beloved needs and wants. He does not “know better” and force a gift on the unwilling recipient. God help me, there were times when I would work hard on an elaborate sound and video system for the house. Nobody wanted this system, but then I would be annoyed that people were not excited about the results and thankful for all my hard work.
That is UUH.
Escaping UUH is not hard, but it does require that we stop thinking about what we want or even what we would want if we were the other person. We must begin to talk to that person and ask them what they wish. We provide the help they need and do so freely with no expectation of getting something in return.
If we give a gift, then we should not demand gratitude.
Even if a recipient should be thankful, turning gift-giving into a gratitude graft destroys the beauty of charity. “Give and it shall be given to you” is a general principle of life and not a bill that you can present to the object of your charity!
Just this last week, our community, school and church, rallied around our (now!) son-in-law and daughter and helped the families pull off a wonderful wedding. The best part? We did not have to ask. They came, they asked, they helped, and they have no expectations.
As Hope and I sent Jane off, we realized that we were owed nothing. We want nothing. We are content to see her thrive and live a good, godly life. It is her life and if she lives that life joyfully, then we are glad. Parenting, God help us, must also get free of any UUH!
Perfect love casts out all UUH because in the end UUH is based on fear.
The good news is that acts of true charity dispel all UUH. If it is a dangerous syndrome, then it is one easily treated. We wish to be loved but do not, quite, trust love. We hope to create debt so we can demand love. Love cannot survive fear, demands, or contracts, but fear, demands, and contracts (UUH) cannot survive active love.
UUH tries to conquer all but loses what it seeks to gain. Love creates contentment because it conquers nothing yet creates new hopes.
Rachel Motte edited this essay.
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