On Bad Mouthing God

"Les Chuchoteuses" ("The Gossipers") by Rose-Aimée Bélanger

God is good. I admit it.

I say it out loud publicly.

God is good and faithful and present. Even when our insides rail against such an obscene claim.

But it is true. And I can’t pretend it’s not. Forever.

God is. Good. Truly. Good.

God speaks words. I hear these words. I believe them.

Even when I don’t.

God is trustworthy. I trust God.

Even when I don’t.

God is patient. I want to learn to be patient with God.

God forgives. I forgive God. For silences. For false starts.

Will God forgive me for such things?

I blaspheme. I bad mouth. God.

I start rumors of how God disappoints. The word spreads like fire.

I want the fire of the Spirit to catch me. Again.

Or just a flame. Above my head. Like a refining halo.

 

This is my confession. I have loved you as I have loved myself.

 

I hear God say, “Praise Me.”

I praise God.

I have praised God.

I will praise God. Now. When my tongue is tied and my lips are clamped. And my mouth is dry.

I will praise God in the hollow spaces

And the sound might reverberate.

I will say “Holy, Holy, Holy,” and I will kneel with angels and scoundrels.

And I will say, “Thank God, I am not like them.” The angels.

Who haven’t known what it is to long for God while turning from God.

And I will advert my eyes from theirs. The angels.

Who see through my thick skin, my stubbornness, my callousing heart.

And I will ask God, one more time.

Where I should look to find God, to face God. And live.

And God will say,  one more time, “Open your eyes.”

  • Chad

    Thank you, Enuma. This is beautifully stated.

  • Scott

    Enuma, you really have an incredible gift. You draw me in every time I read what you write and I have to lean back and live into your words. Thank you and never stop writing! Get over to Smashwords.com and publish a collection to bless the world with!!

  • http://theconsolationofmirth.wordpress.com/ Heather

    “…to long for God while turning from God.” This pierces the heart. Thank you.

  • Jill

    God beckons in so many different ways. Father – open my senses to Your callings. I miss so many. I choose to ignore so many. Keep working on my stubborn, selfish soul. I know You will. I know You do. Thank you, Enuma, for being a source He uses.

  • Betty Starkey

    Thank you, Enuma. How very powerful!


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