“Because of the Lord’s great love, we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning. Great is Your faithfulness.” — Lamentations 3:22-23
Do you ever feel CONSUMED? Consumed by emotion, anxiety, fear…by your very self? In the past few weeks, I’ve felt consumed by emotions, scattered as I try to reconcile my many imperfections as a Christian — as a human — with this great big message God gave me to deliver in our book.
The book is out there, but appearing on podcasts and radio shows, maybe even some TV coming up, I feel a great spiritual warfare arising in my head. Lies from the devil telling me I’m not good enough to deliver this message. Lies that say my writing is bad and I’m only “lucky” that I got this book deal, lies that say I won’t be able to handle the criticism that may come my way. There is fear that everyone who reads this will be expecting this great book — and come away underwhelmed, unimpressed.
And as I consider what to write about next, I am CONSUMED by thoughts of inadequacy. I know that whatever I write next will not be a secular topic. That’s not what I’m here for. I know I was created by God, for God, and whatever book I may write in the future will be for His glory in a very tangible way (not to say you can’t write a secular book for God’s glory but at least for me, I know this is the way.)
And yet, I feel so unworthy, so CONSUMED by my failures — as a wife, as a Mom, as an employee, as a writer. When I run to my vices — drinking wine, wallowing in discontent, overeating, complaining, comparison, self-focus. And when I read this verse last week, this word just jumped out at me. This “consuming” in my life is not of God, it’s not from God and He doesn’t want me to feel this way.
This morning, He reminded me of this. He reminded me that I am worthy just the way I am because I am a child of God. I don’t have to do anything to earn that and I can’t do anything to take it away. His compassions NEVER fail. As a spouse, sometimes you feel like you just continually fail. You are “one” so it feels like it’s impossible to only let yourself down — it’s always this pressure to not let him down too. With your bad attitude, or selfishness or simple failure to empathize or bring joy into the home. Maybe that’s not everyone, but it’s me. How do you ever be just yourself again when you are married? To be clear, my husband doesn’t make me feel this way, I do it all to myself.
So I broke down crying this morning as I remembered that God does speak to us in very real ways. I heard His voice and it was clear as day. I love you just the way you are. And even though I don’t love people well enough and often fill my emptiness with the things of this world rather than Him, even though I’m not always the wife and mom I wish I were, or living up to these high standards at work I set for myself — that’s not what makes me loved, special, whole, worthy. Only Jesus does — and anything good in me comes from Him. It’s not about me. It’s about Him. And His compassions never fail because of His GREAT love.