“Dear Dr. Greg, Don’t be a bigot.” Letter from a Child of a Gay Father.

The other day, I received an email from a young woman who read my post titled, Gay Marriage: Getting the Conversation Right.  Her parents divorced when her dad came out and she wanted me to know that they were all in a good place with it–and why couldn’t I be?  I have removed any identifying details, but I thought I would share our exchange as a way of illustrating the real challenge at the heart of gay marriage and why standing for traditional marriage is not anti-gay, but rather, pro-child.

Dr. Greg,

I know you don’t know me but I saw some things you had posted on gay marriage. My mom and dad divorced when my dad came out as gay.  I love my dad and we have a great relationship.  I’m really proud of him and I think he is very brave especially because he has to face bigoted people like you every day. I’m the oldest but I know my brother and sister feel the same.

First of all you need to open your eyes and realize that you are living in the 21st century and you need to get over the fact that there is all kinds of diversity in this world. people of different ethnicities, people of different beliefs, and people of different sexual orientation. do you have a strong dislike towards someone for the mere fact that their skin color isnt the same as yours or they arent a part of the same religion you are? probably not. so why on earth would you have a dislike towards a man who prefers other men or a woman who prefers other women? it makes absolutely no sense other than the simple fact it makes you uncomfortable. let me clue you into reality: MANY THINGS IN LIFE WILL MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE, but there is nothing you can do about it. giving speeches makes me uncomfortable but i still have to do it.

Blacks are freed from slavery, women can vote, so why can’t gays have rights? they are the same as you and me- they are human beings. believe it or not, i am more than PROUD of my father for coming out to us. i have actually grown closer to him and we have a better relationship now. I can’t wait until the day he falls in love with a man and i get to be at their wedding, admiring the amazing father and person he is and has become.

the things you have said about gays, while they may be what you believe, they are out dated. go ahead and preach what you feel, but I am telling you now- you will be hearing from people about it. I was raised in the Roman Catholic Church going to catholic school until i was going into 7th grade, yet I still hold no judgement against my father.

I’m not entirely sure if you are one of those people who believe homosexuality is a disease, but if you do try calling into work saying “sorry i can’t come in today, i’m queer.” yeah, i bet you won’t get very far. in my sorority there are about 50 girls counting myself, and of those girls 40 of them have gay relatives. open your eyes and accept people for who they are. while i don’t expect a response from you, i hope you at least read this.

i’m going to leave you by saying this: If Michelangelo had been straight, the Sistine Chapel would have been wallpapered.

(In closing, she attached a lovely picture of herself, her sibs, her mom, her dad and his new partner)

SIGNED_______________

 

And here is my response….

 

Dear ______________

Thank you for taking the time to write me.   You are clearly an articulate and strong young woman. I have no doubt your parents are quite proud of you and that you are a credit to both of them.

I’m really not sure what things you think I’ve said about gay people. If you read my post on Gettting the Conversation Right about gay marriage, you know it has little to do with homosexuality and everything to do with the rights of children.  I can tell you that I have never said anything–or even believe anything–even remotely similar to anything you describe. If you would care to point out what you feel are my offensive statements, I would be more than happy to–privately or publicly–clarify or apologize for anything that is legitimately ignorant, bigoted or prejudiced. If you knew me, which you admit you don’t, you would know that I take a very dim view toward so-called “Christians” who define themselves by those they unjustly hate more than by the loving God they serve.

Thank you for sending your family picture.  You look like you all love each other very much. I think that’s wonderful and exactly as it should be. I also think it’s wonderful that you love your dad both for who he is and for the fact that your relationship has improved in recent years. From your letter, it sounds like there was a time when that was less true and I’m glad things have gotten better for you.  At the same time, as you suggest in your message to me, it took an awful lot of work for you to get there. You guys have obviously been through quite a lot. You should be proud that you’ve all come though as well as you have. That’s taken a lot of courage and love and strength.

That said, I am a family therapist who works with many divorced families. One of things that both my experience and all the data on children-of-divorce shows is that divorce tends to cause kids to become “parentified.”  That means that–more than young people raised in intact families–children of divorce (especially eldest children-of-divorce like yourself) tend to be too good at taking care of other people and not quite so good at letting other people take care of them. The child-of-divorce occupying your position (eldest)in the family often ends up being compelled, by circumstances, to try to hold the family together, take more care of their younger siblings than they should have to, and even take care of and defend mom and dad–both against each other’s anger as well as any critics outside the family.

Mid-divorce and post-divorce, as dad tries to figure out who the heck he is and mom is reeling from trying to sort out which end is up, the kids have to emotionally fend for themselves a whole lot more than they should ever have to. Usually, one of the kids ends up taking on the role of quasi-parent to both their siblings and even to the parents who just aren’t up to the emotional task of being there for their kids the way they ought to be. The fact that you took it upon yourself to write to me–some guy you don’t know, will probably never meet, and whom really you shouldn’t care two figs about–to defend your dad says a whole lot about both your big heart AND your degree of parentification. Your mom and dad should be defending you, not you defending them. You have your own life to live and you shouldn’t have to try to build your own future while constantly looking back over your shoulder to see if mom and dad still need your help. They’re grown-ups. Let them fight their own battles.

I know you’ll say that they didn’t put you up to writing me. I know that. I have every confidence that you reached out to me completely on your own. As I say, it is clear that you are a strong young woman with a big heart. And even though I know all of this is true, it is utterly besides the point. The mere fact that you felt compelled to write me–a total stranger– to defend him without any prompting from them is exactly what I’m talking about. Children have a right to be raised in an environment where they feel taken care of, not where they feel forced by their parents’ emotional immaturity to have to take care of themselves, or their siblings, and especially not their parents. You were deprived of that right in your home. You have borne up well under the challenges your family has faced. You are strong, but to be honest, circumstances have forced you to be stronger than you should have to be. I’m sorry for that.

See, what I’m really saying is that I don’t have any issues with your dad being gay. But I do think that marriage ought to be an institution that guarantees kids the right to be able to count on their moms and dads. I do have huge issues with your dad–or any man for that matter–making promises to someone, having children with that someone, and then failing to follow through on those promises so that they, themselves, can pursue what they have finally gotten around to deciding what makes them happy “now.” Parents owe kids better than that. Kids don’t ask to be born. Parents make them. That implies the promise, “I will always be RIGHT HERE. No matter what. You can count on me.” Not, “I’ll be here until I figure out what really makes me happy,” or “You can count on me until someone I want to sleep with more than your mom comes along.” I happen to think parents need to work that stuff out before they make promises to children by having children. You deserved an intact family, and nothing and no one had the right to rob that from you.

From your comments and the pic you sent, it looks like you guys have done an admirable job cobbling something good together after the divorce. That took guts, and good for all of you. I’m glad it’s better than it was, but that doesn’t make what you had to go through right. It just means that mom and dad couldn’t get it together enough to give you and your siblings what you deserved–what you were promised– from the get-go and so, you had to work a whole lot harder to try to get the love and happiness that was owed to you just for being born. I think you–and all kids–deserve better than that.

I do thank you for your concern for my ability to get along with a people who are different than me. You are absolutely right about the importance of that. I can assure you I am perfectly comfortable around all types of people; GLBT, straight, Christian, non-Christian, black, white, Asian, Hispanic, whatever. In fact, come to think of it, I am the proud father of an inter-racial family (although it seems weird to write that because it doesn’t often occur to me that we are. Nevertheless….) In my mind, people are just people. We’re all just trying to do our best. We’re all God’s children, and I am not threatened or uncomfortable around anyone.

But you know, it is possible to hold different opinions from someone without hating them. That’s something that can be hard to understand, but it’s true. Perhaps you and I have different opinions about things. That fact does not make me less than you, more ignorant than you, or more of a “hater” than you. Since you don’t know anything about me, it is rather presumptuous and, frankly, prejudiced, of you to suggest that is not the case with me–although I am sure you did so unconsciously and unintentionally. Still, you should be aware of your own tendencies to act out in unjustified prejudice–especially if you are going to make a hobby out of pointing out what you think to be prejudice in others.

Likewise, the truth is that while everyone is entitled to their own opinions, not every opinion is as well-informed by reason and healthy thinking as another. It’s really important to learn to evaluate the strength of an argument or an opinion based on its logic and reason, and the effects that opinion will have on other people, and not by mere sentimentality and emotion, which can often lead people to justify a whole host of unjustifiable things, including inflicting the pain on others which we, ourselves, have endured and overcome, but should have, by all rights, been spared.

Let me conclude by saying you are clearly a remarkable young woman. Good for you for speaking your mind. I truly wish you and your family all the best.

Dr.Greg

 

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About Dr. Greg

Dr. Gregory Popcak directs the Pastoral Solutions Institute, an organization dedicated to helping Catholics find faith-filled solutions to marriage, family, and personal problems. Together with his wife, Lisa, he hosts More2Life Radio. He is the author of over a dozen books integrating psychological insights with our Catholic faith. For more info about books, tele-counseling and other resources, visit www.CatholicCounselors.com.

  • lovesirony

    Dr. Greg,
    I am a gay man married to another gay man. We do not have children. Please tell me what rights afforded to my straight married friends, that also do not have children, my husband and I should not have. Thanks.

    • http://www.catholiccounselors.com Dr. Greg

      Thank you for your comment. I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to ask your question. That said, your question reveals a misunderstanding that even many hetero couples have.

      Marriage is not and has never been about the rights of the adults. Marriage has always been about two adults promising to be faithful to each other for the sake the children they intended to have with each other. Marriage has always been about protecting the rights of children to know and be raised by their mother and father. To support that committment, society has granted some, limited, benefits to married couples, but those benefits are not the “rights” of married people. Those benefits are society’s way of supporting couples who have made the decision to have and raise children together.

      Whether they intend to or not on the day of their wedding, the vast majority of heterosexual couples do eventually have children. Only about 5% of women are voluntarily childfree (not all of those are married or in relationships btw). Another 6% of married women are infertile and another 10% have problems with fertility. Of those who struggle with fertility, many receive successful treatments and many others adopt. In the end, over 90% of couples have children one way or the other. Marriage is always about children.

      Your hetero friends who don’t have children probably will. And when they do, they will be able to give their children a mom and a dad. That is something you and your partner cannot give your children–should you decide to try to have children through adoption or assisted reproduction. To be without a mother or a father is common enough, but it is still currently seen as a tragedy. If homosexual couples are allowed to marry, it will no longer be permissible, in fact, it will be discriminatory, to say that it is a tragedy to be raised without both a mother and father. We will have to deny children the right to be sad about grieving their missing parent because it will fly in the face of the social equivalency gay couples seek from marriage.

      That said, if you never plan on having children, then you don’t need to be married and it makes no sense to redefine the nature of marriage and rob children of the only institution that exists to protect their rights just so that you can be affirmed in your okayness.

      Does that make sense?

      You and your partner deserve to be free from prejudice and persecution. You deserve to be safe and have your human rights protected. However, because marriage has always been about children’s rights and not adult rights, your rights to be safe and free from persecution does not extend to marriage. Thank you for your comments. Dr.Greg.

      • CP

        “However, because marriage has always been about children’s rights and not adult rights, your rights to be safe and free from persecution does not extend to marriage.”

        Dr. Greg, this answer is disingenuous. You know that there are benefits to marriage outside of children’s rights. You would do your argument justice to address these issues instead of ignoring them.

        The fact is that these men and women are in loving, committed relationships. They depend on one another. When they are most in distress—in times of loss, sickness, and death—there are impediments to and prohibitions against them being able to support one another. These are the rights, or privileges, that are being referred to.

        If these rights or privileges fall into your “prejudice and persecution” clause, then you should say so. If they do not, then you are not addressing the other significant part of this issue, nor the comment to which this response was written.

        • http://www.catholiccounselors.com Dr. Greg

          Thank you for your thoughtful reply. As I wrote above to another respondent, there are other ways to achieve those protections besides marriage. If you really want to talk about securing rights for homosexual persons, I am totally on board. But I cannot support throwing children under the bus to achieve those ends. The insistence that destroying the meaning of marriage is the only way to achieve legal protection of homosexual persons is simply untrue and to cling to that notion is to show that the issue isn’t rights at all, but emotional validation.

          • CP

            Perhaps. Here is a suggestion though. Your argument against gay marriage should address exactly how to solve those issues of rights and privileges without diminishing the role of marriage.

            I am waiting to see that post for someone, somewhere. I know that this was not the original point of this post, but the comment was addressing exactly that topic. Pope Francis, as Cardinal Bergoglio, suggested exactly as you have suggested. There might be a way to recognize these relationships while still protecting marriage and children’s issues. As those who purport to speak from love and compassion, it is necessary that we address how we can still honor the rights and privileges of these people while maintaining the important institution of marriage.

            Instead, the rhetoric of some of those in these comment boxes and elsewhere seems to belittle and insult those with legitimate concerns. If we seek to win this battle, we can only do it with love. Unfortunately, this seems to be something that we lack. This, above all, will be why we lose this battle.

        • Kate

          But why should we only be concerned about extending such ‘rights’ of marriage (really, privileges), only to exclusive, sexually active couples? I know many people whose closest confidant and support is not someone that they live with, let alone someone in their family or who they achieve sexual pleasure with. I know a single mother whose best support is the priest who is her child’s godfather. Right now, her mother is her legal next-of-kin. Shouldn’t we give her a simplified way to assign that legal/social role to him? And in fact, the ancient world DID have legal ceremonies of ‘adoption’ for adults who wished to assign rights of inheritance and privilege to allies or friends.

          So why are we trying to frame that discussion as a justification for redefining marriage ? Why gain those privileges at the expense of children?

          • http://www.catholiccounselors.com Dr. Greg

            Terrific points, Kate. Thank you sharing your thoughts. I hope you will check back often. Dr.Greg

          • CP

            I am not proposing redefining marriage. I am simply saying that there are real issues for committed homosexual couples that, if we propose to defend marriage, we should also attempt to solve.

            Seemingly writing off deep relationships that are based on love, loyalty, safety and security. There are specific issues here that have been enumerated in many ways over the years that those in these relationships have to fight through. Our best chance at defending marriage was to solve those issues. We have not done so. We have, in some cases, refused to do so. Now that refusal is coming home to roost.

          • http://www.catholiccounselors.com Dr. Greg

            CP,

            I’d be happy to discuss just that, but because I’m not a gay man in a homosexual relationship, I couldn’t begin to start solving these problems on my own. I don’t have a point of reference for what the needs are. Do me a favor. You convince the homosexual lobby to back off their obsessive push to destroy marriage pending a discussion of the alternatives then come get me, we’ll brainstorm lots of other better ideas.

            I don’t think you’ll find any takers though, because its been tried (for about 20 years) and the other side isn’t interested in alternatives. This fight isn’t about promoting the rights of homosexuals. That I could support. It’s about the homosexual lobby’s desire for legalized affirmation. And as for that, I’m an affirming guy. Heck, I affirm for a living! I am the Affirmator. But the law doesn’t exist to affirm people. It exists to protect rights. Unfortunately, the push to force affirmation through legal means threatens not only to define marriage, but the purpose of law itself. Dr.P.

  • http://allpartoflifesrichpageant.blogspot.com James

    It seems like this letter is an excellent case for gay marriage. Better for a man to marry another man than for him to make a promise to a woman that he cannot keep.

    • Theodore Seeber

      The child’s father made a promise to a woman, and failed to keep it. His sin isn’t the homosexuality, his sin is the oathbreaking divorce. And in fact, for him to claim to be a homosexual when he has *already* proven that he is a biological heterosexual- three times!- is the ultimate in selfishness. You do NOT abandon your children or their mother. Ever. I don’t care if it is another man who catches your eye or that pretty young female secretary in the office, you don’t get divorced over it, and you don’t have an affair if you are at all honest or have any integrity whatsoever.

      Ruining a child’s life is not worth it.

      • http://allpartoflifesrichpageant.blogspot.com James

        It was dishonest of the man to marry a woman when he knew he was attracted to men.

        To be “biological” about it, could he “get it up and get it off” with her? Obviously, he did at least three times.

        But if that is all you think that married sexuality is about, then I’m really not sure where to start. I’ll let Dr. Greg handle this one.

        The question I ask is why would a man attracted to other men marry a woman? Perhaps he did so because it is socially acceptable? Perhaps he tried to “cure” himself? Perhaps he did think that “getting it up and getting it off” with a woman would make him straight?

        Whatever the reason, the result was a divorce with children involved. From a Catholic perspective, these are ample grounds for a decree of nullity.

        And what if he never married? Then what, might I ask, WOULD he do? I doubt he would remain celibate (he obviously hasn’t). Should not society encourage him to “settle down”, if for no other reason than to slow the spread of venereal disease?

      • Brigid

        I completely agree! I was married, had three children and my husband decided he would “be happy” and leave us. I told him he chose his happiness over ours, he gave us the cross that God had given him to carry in life. We all have our crosses to carry (Pick up your cross daily and follow me, Jesus said.) So, he gave three children and his wife the cross he didn’t want to carry and probably picked up a different one (since we all have one usually) and we carried more than our share. Fortunately, God is our Savior and did not abandon us. But, choosing “happiness” instead of faithfulness, commitment, protection of children is definitely wrong.

    • Kate

      How is that an argument for gay marriage? It’s certainly an argument that some people should possibly never marry.

  • lovesirony

    NO it does not make sense. You insulted me with your term okayness, what does that mean? it’s not even a word.
    So I should be forced to testify against my husband in court? Our home and life is subject to Probate but my straight friend’s are not? and no my straight married friends are in their 50s and have no desire to be parents. You just can’t get around that some straight folks do not have children. Children are not necessary in a marriage and marriage is not necessary for children to be born. Oh and don’t go telling me what my needs are. I AM married and have a state license to prove it.

    • Theodore Seeber

      Why the heck did your straight friends get married if they don’t intend to have children?

      I don’t care what piece of fiction your state government came up with to describe your relationship, as far as I’m concerned, both your straight friends and your self and your life partner are committing FRAUD against the other taxpayers.

      • http://allpartoflifesrichpageant.blogspot.com James

        So, should the state deny 50 something straight couples the right to marry? Or dissolve childless marriages after a certain age?

    • http://www.catholiccounselors.com Dr. Greg

      I didn’t tell you what your needs were. I told you what a child’s needs are. I would respectfully suggest you get a grip. Your response is a good example of the histrionics that drowns out reasonable discussion on this issue, and I refuse to be intimidated by your tantrum.

      The fact is, you can have all of those protections you cite and more without the benefit of marriage. A lawyer, for instance, cannot be compelled to testify against his client and they are not married. It would be a simple matter to extend privilege to gay partners without destroying the meaning of marriage. Pushing for marriage is not a push for rights. If it was, you would be willing to negotiate alternative means to the same ends. You want validation. And you want what you want the way you want it and you don’t care how many children have to suffer for your ego to be sated. I have a hard time supporting that.

      That said, if you want to talk about ways to protect your rights that don’t involve throwing chidlren under the bus, I’m all ears. Thank you for your comments. Dr. Greg.

  • Brian

    It’s so funny how no one is listening to why the Church is against gay “marriage.”

    Marriage is not about rights. It’s not about inheritance or bring able to place someone on your insurance plan or even about who you have sex with. If that were the case there would be an awful lot of “married” people out there who probably wouldn’t even know that they were married!

    No, marriage is about love. Love is sacrificing for the other as other. Marriage is about sacrifice. It is a covenant by which a man and a woman deny themselves for one another for the benefit of children and for society as a whole. In this whole debate I have not seen this sacrificial aspect at all. It seems very immature and narcissistic. I want this and you must give it to me because I must be able to do as I want. Sorry guys, but that’s not love, and it certainly isn’t a basis for marriage.

    Alas I think we are too far along to stop it, but with time as the Church becomes persecuted for her adherence to her Lord who is her spouse people will learn to see what love truly is. It will be when the bride of Christ gets to return the favor which the bridegroom performed two millennia ago on the cross as she bleeds and suffers for her Lord.

  • Mary

    Thank you for a very interesting post and “discussion”. This is a little off-target, but related to the rights of children. I am a 60yr old Catholic woman who has been divorced from the father of my children for 6 yrs. We were legally married for 31yrs (many, if not all of them, difficult) and our children are now 26 and 35. My “wasband” told me he wanted a divorce the day after the younger child left for college. I had observed the “parentification” you speak of in the younger child for at least 3yrs before that because of her dad’s ( by then) obvious and almost constant use of the silent treatment towards me…How do you counsel young parents who have partners that will not honor their promise to be faithful–not only physically but emotionally/psychologically too? I am still in the process of healing from what I was told by one Catholic counselor was an “average” marriage. Two other Catholic counselors have said that my “wasband” is OCD and had control issues that would have continued to get worse with time. My children (who both chose mental health professions) appear to be happily married and doing well –Do you believe in staying married for the sake of the children?…Thank you for your reply, Mary

  • Mark K.

    Thank you Dr.Greg for your writing and excellent radio show. I have an entirely different perspective on same sex marriage I’ll put out there for those who are interested.

    The truth of the mater is same sex marriage is not about marriage, but rather having society accept and endorse homosexuality. For the last 30 to 35 years, acceptance has been the driving theme from the expanding homosexual community. The more acknowledged acceptance, the more acceptance is sought, to where it’s now culminating, at this time, in the want of total societal acceptance of same sex marriage. And the desired acceptance won’t end with marriage.

    Tonight’s NBC nightly news made that clear. An aspect of the broadcast illustrated there is no compelling need for same sex marriage, it’s now simply a wanted title. Not needed because marriage provides hardly no additional legal benefit for two men who desire to marry that they don’t already have. For example, most companies extend health and other benefits to social partners and have done so for many years now.

    And there’s no large demand for gay marriage. Today, eight or nine states and the District of Columbia recognize same sex marriage, but after an initial marriage surge in these places, demand goes away. The same sex marriage surge is mostly a political victory celebration. Why is that? Because it’s only about lifestyle acceptance! The explosion of homosexuality in the US and many other places is mainly a product of the sexual revolution, fostered in political correctness whose origins arose from the radical feminization of society that began in the 1970s and 1980s. But anyone under the age of roughly their mid-50s is too young to recall the history of those pivotal years.

  • Pingback: Same sex marriage | Blog of a Country Priest

  • CP

    ” I couldn’t begin to start solving these problems on my own.”

    We are the followers of Christ. It is our mission to build the bridges and to endure, as today’s reading from Isaiah point out, the buffeting and abuse. It is our duty to extend the hand and keep it out there until someone takes it.

    We believe that there will be an accounting for what we have done. Imagine when that accounting occurs and we respond, “But I was not one of them, therefore there was nothing I could do.” Or we respond, “They were to intransigent, therefore there was nothing I could do.” Or, “It was too late, therefore there was nothing I could do.”

    I truly believe that most evil in the world exists because there are Christians who are not living out their mission fully. As I stated, I believe that much of the blame for changes here falls squarely on our shoulders.

    You who are so good with words. You who has an audience listening attentively. You who knows the critical issues which we must maintain. You who feels so strongly about this issue that you would write several posts about it in a single you. You seem like a great vessel for building a bridge, for extending a hand—in the face of intransigence, of uncertainty, of being too late—to try to begin to start solving these issues alone, but leading others to join you.

    You are never alone when you act with love. Christ is always with you. I will walk with you too.

  • Gabriela

    Thank you Dr. Greg for your faithful and courageous work! We need more people to understand the true meaning of marriage and stand for it. It is very sad to see how misunderstood feelings are threatening our families and that, putting those feelings first, we conveniently forget to do what is right. God bless you and all the people who take the time to visit this forum.

  • Guest

    Not having any obligation to be sensitive or affirming, I would tell this college age, adult woman that:
    1) her father is not gay or homosexual. As evidenced by his repeated sexual capacity with his wife, he is bi-sexual and there is a big difference. I believe bi-sexuality is largely an expression of hedonism.
    2) her father, as a bi-sexual, is exercising a choice to put his ‘current’ interest in men ahead of his marriage and committment to his family. He has no true compulsion to do so – he is making a choice, just as he made a choice to marry her mother and have children.
    I’d just like to set her straight if she is harboring any sympathy for her father’s ‘gay plight’. What he did is not much different than choosing another woman over her mother and I wonder if she would be so quick to defend THAT. What will she think about daddy if he decides one day he is attracted to a woman again – just not her mom – cause that’s what bi-sexuals do.

  • rose1929

    Dr. Greg, I definitely see the parentification of my older son, who bore the brunt of my foolish marriage and subsequent divorce. He is still “taking care” of his younger brother and has taken care of me. It is heartbreaking to see. I regret my choices every day. Needless to say, both children left the Church as well along the way, so many problems…
    God bless you in this wonderful ministry of your blog and professional life. It is very, very important work. I will pray that you reach a lot of people.

  • Maria

    Just an FYI, I heard Kristin Perry (the Perry in Hollingsworth vs. Perry) speak and she admitted that she is legally free to marry (she just doesn’t want to marry a man), and that she is not interested in the legal benefits of marriage. She said, “Marriage is magic.” She wants the magic, which I interpret to mean social acceptance. That is what this is all about.

  • Stephen Raj

    Dr. Don, your counseling skills are so filled with compassion yet with such a chiseled professional approach that I am obligated to share it everywhere and to read a lot more of your articles/books.


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