The Bible is Weirder than You Think: According to Scripture Jesus Was Bisexual since Both Men and Women Are the “Bride of Christ”

According to nice evangelical standards, the Bible is odd. Sorry but it is. Or maybe the Bible is normal and it’s evangelicals who are odd. I mean according to the Bible Jesus was transgender… So why do evangelicals have problems embracing the full range of sexuality?

I mean if you were raised on the Bible as I was we all just got used to certain turns of phrase, for instance the “Bride of Christ.”

Is Jesus going to have sex with his chosen? Will Franklin Graham go for having sex with Jesus?

And if being the “Bride” is just a metaphor, then that’s still odd. I mean speaking of evangelicals if it wasn’t in the Bible do you think one of them would have ever written about staying a virgin for Jesus?

Remember these verses? Well? Like I said: ODD!

One thing for sure– these verses imply Jesus either favors bisexuality (metaphorically speaking of course!) or maybe only women go to heaven to be his Bride. Either way maybe no one in heaven is married because we’re all going to be concubines (metaphorically speaking of course!)

Or maybe Jesus favors gay metaphorical sex, trans, bi sex, etc.

With that in mind review these verses. I mean of all the examples that the Biblical authors could have chosen …

Ephesians 5:25-27 – Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Revelation 19:7-9 – Let us be glad and rejoice, and give honour to him: for the marriage of the Lamb is come, and his wife hath made herself ready.

Revelation 21:2 – And I John saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down from God out of heaven, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband.

Revelation 21:9 – And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb’s wife.

Ephesians 5:25 – Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

2 Corinthians 11:2 – For I am jealous over you with godly jealousy: for I have espoused you to one husband, that I may present [you as] a chaste virgin to Christ.

Revelation 21:9-11 – And there came unto me one of the seven angels which had the seven vials full of the seven last plagues, and talked with me, saying, Come hither, I will shew thee the bride, the Lamb’s wife.

Matthew 25:1-46 – Then shall the kingdom of heaven be likened unto ten virgins, which took their lamps, and went forth to meet the bridegroom.

Ephesians 5:27 – That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.

Mark 2:19-20 – And Jesus said unto them, Can the children of the bridechamber fast, while the bridegroom is with them? as long as they have the bridegroom with them, they cannot fast.

 

Lots in there about being virgins too. So This all seems a bit more than mere metaphor. Jesus wants his metaphoric bride to have an intact hymen!

I mean I didn’t bring up the virgin bit. The Bible did. What else defines a female virgin? And since we’re all “brides”– sorry but that makes us all women.

But wait: Come to think of it the Bible says we all have to have “circumcision of the heart” in Romans 2:29. So that’s odd too. We’re all Jesus’s bride, but we are men too, at least in a sort of cardiac way?

Kinky.

Jesus wants his Bride to have an intact hymen and Paul wants the foreskin of our hearts cut.  Then there’s the sperm. “If you belong to Christ, then you are Abraham’s seed, and heirs according to the promise” (Galatians 3:29). But it turns out we’re all transgender/bi-sexual after all: “There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free man, there is neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus” (Galatians 3:28). And that’s why evangelical Bible believers are taking the lead on fighting for marriage equality rights. Right?

It’s time people who say they believe in the Bible deal with the fact that A) the Bible LIKES SEX– a lot! And B) The Bible is even weirder than we are about sex, gender and all that. Deal with it.

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