When we finally will see…

We had a wonderful time at the marriage and family conference, and I have a post in the works (in my brain) based on the amazing keynote speech from Bishop Kevin Rhodes ( who has recently moved from Harrisburg, PA to South Bend-Fort Wayne).

But until then, I just wanted to post something somewhat unrelated to the conference itself. I was going through the day yesterday, and we attended two very good sessions on subfertility from a Catholic perspective and on NaPro Technology. The couple who led the first session talk was so beautiful and inspirational. I felt inspired by their story so very much.

She played a song at the end of the session, from the new album from Steven Curtis Chapman, called “Our God Is In Control”. Chapman’s young daughter was recently killed when his son accidentally ran her over with the car. Devastating, right? Well, the song is on the album released after the death of his daughter.

It’s a beautiful, beautiful song for anyone that has experienced a sudden loss, a difficult situation, or has ever wondered “why?”. It especially resonated with me because one year ago yesterday was the d&c surgery which ended the miscarriage experience and began the roller coaster of fertility that Atticus and I have been on since. And yet, as I listened to this song, I felt both sorrow and joy.

I felt sorrow that we have not yet conceived another child, and I felt so joyful for the small miracle which was Michael. God has taken His time in healing my heart from that loss, but I can finally say that I am so grateful for the entire experience. Yes, I have gratitude that I miscarried. Now, of course I wish it turned out differently and I had a baby in my arms right now. And I have spent so long (nearly a year to be exact) feeling robbed every time a woman announced she was expecting. I felt that somehow, something I deserved had been taken from me. But no. A child is not, and can never be a right.

I had what God wanted me to have; namely, I was the vessel by which our Lord made manifest the truth that He and He alone is the author of life. He gives and takes away. His power was made perfect in my weakness. And now I can say with joy, “thank you God” for letting me participate in the creation of a human life, no matter that the life was so very short lived. Our baby was a miracle, and now we believe he is petitioning the throne of grace for his parents (and hopefully asking for a brother or sister!).

Truly, our God is in control.

We love you and miss you Michael John.

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  • http://morelikemary-morelikeme.blogspot.com/ Kaitlin @ More Like Mary

    I’m glad you stumbled upon mine because that means I get to read yours! I’m excited to join your journey!

  • http://www.eafromtheheart.blogspot.com Maggie

    You’ve got me crying now. Praying for you, your husband and your little saint in heaven. I also pray your doctor’s appointment goes well and that your prayers come to fulfullment.

  • http://nowealthbutlife.com Rae

    You exemplify beauty and grace in your attitude toward Michael’s life.

  • http://www.jennalynnpresto.blogspot.com Jenny P.

    I know what you’re explaining about how you feel after the miscarriage. We lost our first last January and our second in July. It’s only been in the last couple weeks that I’ve been able to enjoy babies without jealousy.

    Thank you for your uplifting words.

  • Pat

    Another beautiful and touching entry. Thank you for sharing.

  • clomhuire

    Dear Sarah

    I came across your site by accident and have just read about your miscarriage and hope of another baby. If I may say, and it’s only a suggestion, the Miraculous Medal, blessed and worn by you, is inviting Mary, the Immaculate Conception, to journey with you every day.

    I have a dear friend who had a miscarriage and she felt the loss deeply. The thought came in prayer to suggest to her to wear the Miraculous Medal. Some time later my friend did conceive and gave Our Lady charge over the baby in her womb. She had a beautiful son.

    Your faith will be your strength, and what will be, will be!

    I will remember you in this intention, you are beautiful.