The Work Awaits, Part Two

Almost exactly two years ago, I made my Good Letters debut with a post titled “The Work Awaits,” in which I wrote about my vocational insecurities and obstacles, and how living out my life as a writer hasn’t felt the way I expected it to.

This sequel is long in coming, and it’s my last post as a regular contributor.

The two years that have marked my tenure here happened to coincide with one of the most difficult periods of my life. I’ve used this space to work through many of the puzzles I found myself facing at midlife.

I’ve written about my father, depression, diabetes, not being a mother, Jazzercise, John Mayer, and Peanut M&Ms. Mostly I’ve wondered: Am I doing what I’m meant to be doing, in the way I’m meant to be doing it?

And also: Is this all there is?

At the beginning of 2012, my psyche and spirit bottomed out. Burnout and anxiety and depression and my tendency to analyze my thoughts to absolute death pushed me to a place where I went on meds, and prayed that some day I would begin to feel better.

I finished two book projects and cleared some space in my schedule and tapered off of Prozac, and got through days one at a time. But I didn’t feel “good.” Or, more accurately, I didn’t feel like the self I once had been or had believed myself to be. I would look in the mirror and not recognize the me who looked back.

Eventually I gave up hope that I would ever be the old self again. I would have to adjust to a new reality. This is me now, I thought. This is me in the second half of my life. Guess I’d better get used to it.

No matter how many times I’ve experienced it, what I always seem to forget about, or what I can’t believe, is the secret, invisible work that goes on inside the tomb.

One day you’re in there, dead and laid out on a slab in the pressing dark. And some time later—you’re not sure how long, exactly, it’s been—you are walking out into the sunrise, a little wobbly but certain you’ll make it to wherever it is you need to go next.

That’s what’s happened to me in the last month or so. I feel resurrected. I’m not the old me. I’m a strengthened, healed and healing version of me, with the certainty that where I need to go next is back to my fiction.

And I need to return to it with the experience gained by having made this my career, but also with the passion and focus and faith I had seventeen years ago when I sat down to a blank document and began my first novel.

Here’s what excites me about being alive:

Human connection. Complicated difficult funny sad confused optimistic doubting tomb-lurking home-seeking people making connections. The spark of one live soul rubbing up against another. The flash of recognition. The getting closer, tiny degree by tiny degree, to who we’re meant to be.

That is also what excites me about writing fiction. It’s what I want to create on the page, and maybe by creating on the page help to create in the world.

And I have been doing that work—I never stopped writing fiction through this season. But only what I had to, only what was being pulled by deadlines and momentum rather than faith and desire leading the way.

For a while, I feared that my sense of being emptied out and dragged along might be a sign that I should no longer write at all. That perhaps the work that awaited involved a call-center cubicle.

By grace, thank God, and to my immense relief and joy, faith and desire have returned.

I know now more than ever that fiction is my true love and first calling. It’s what I’m meant to do. And the way I’m meant to do it—for now, anyway—is with my whole heart. So, save for the possibility of guest posts, I’m taking down my Good Letters shingle.

I have loved the opportunity to write nonfiction here. It’s stretched me and made me think in new ways. I’ve felt moments of vulnerability and connection that have touched me deeply. The twice-monthly deadline has taught me a lot about letting go and being okay with imperfection, and has trained me to keep my eye out for meaning in the everyday.

Most of all, it’s been a privilege to share this space with readers and my fellow Good Letters writers. Thank you for making connections with me here, for the soul-spark and the recognition. May God bless and keep you, and I hope we meet again soon.

  • http://yheard.me Burke Ingraffia

    Sara

    You have been an inspiration to a lot of people.

  • Luanne Austin

    Sara, thanks once again for your honesty. I feel I’ve walked with you through this difficult time. Now, you have given me hope that there is another side to the dark tunnel I am walking through! Blessings on your future endeavors!

  • http://www.poetryretreats.com Peggy Rosenthal

    It has been a joy to have you among us at Good Letters, Sara. Blessings on this next hope-filled phase of your writing-life.

  • http://katieleigh.wordpress.com Katie @ cakes, tea and dreams

    I have loved reading your posts here, and I also love your fiction. Thanks for sharing your words and life with us. I’ll look forward to more of your writing elsewhere!

  • http://www.katehart.net Kate

    Sara, thank you for your words– here, in books, on Twitter, and anywhere else you share them. They’re much appreciated.

  • http://writingwithoutpaper.blogspot.com Maureen

    It’s been a privilege to read your posts, Sara. Wishing you the very best and much success in all you do.

  • http://sharigreen.wordpress.com/ Shari Green

    I’ve enjoyed your posts here, Sara, and have always appreciated your honesty. Thank you for your courage and kindness, and for sharing a glimpse of your journey with us, your fellow journeyers. :)

    Peace and joy….

  • http://www.tmichaelmartin.com T. Michael Martin

    Sara,
    Thank you for this gorgeous, soulful GL farewell. Like so many, I’ve loved reading your posts these last two years, and I can’t wait to read the work that comes out of the space you’re so wisely making in your life.
    Your fan and friend,
    Mike Martin

  • http://www.throughaglass.net Kari

    I have loved your posts here, Sara! Your voice and perspective have been a gift to me.

  • http://davidclarkart.com David Clark

    Thank-you for your words and honesty. Blessings on your new projects.

  • sarah louise

    Sara,

    Go with your strengths. And thank you for all the Good Letters.

    xo,
    SL

  • Dyana Herron

    Thanks for everything you’ve offered here to us, Sara. And love to you as you continue to what’s next.

  • Allison Smythe

    Sara, I too have been enriched by your posts. I’m hoping that before too long I’ll be stumbling out into that inevitable sunrise. Meanwhile, I’m reminded to be grateful for that secret, invisible work. God bless.

  • http://SamanthaClark.wordpress.com Samantha

    Great post, Sara. I’ve been feeling the same way lately, writing a particularly difficult novel (difficult for me) while waiting to hear news about my last manuscript. And I kept wondering if this was really what God wanted me to be doing, if I was really on the right path. I kept thinking that if it was, then surely it would be easier. But conversations with friends and especially my husband, an opportunity that keeps me in the writing world for the next three years, and the realization that God’s path isn’t always easy has helped me through. And now, reading your post, knowing it happens to you too and you’ve come through it, makes me feel stronger and more sure as well. Thank you for sharing, Sara. And I’m glad you’re digging back in to fiction. I can’t wait to read more of your books. Hope to meet you when you’re in Austin next year.

  • http://www.sarazarr.com Sara Z.

    Thank you all so much!


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