Here’s How Not To Meet Your Next Ex-Spouse

It always surprises me how quickly people who go through a separation and divorce run right into the arms of someone new and “fall in love.” Many times, they are already contemplating when the right time would be to introduce their new partner to their children before they’ve even signed the divorce papers.

But on the other hand, it doesn’t surprise me. I’ve been there, I know what it feels like to be rejected and denegrated by the one who promised to love you forever, and then have someone else come along and make you feel like a million bucks because they find you attractive and interesting. It’s a very slippery slope and one thing I’ve found very frustrating is that because emotions run so incredibly high in situations like these, it’s really hard to convince someone they’re not ready to be in a relationship, yet.

Seriously, I could talk about this for a very long time, and I actually did in my book, The Catholic Guide To Dating After Divorce. But for this blog, I wanted to share some checkpoints you can use to tell if you’re ready for a new relationship, or if you’re one step away from getting hurt all over again, and moving toward another divorce.

1.    Are you using dating as a bandaid? Is it a way to escape the pain of your divorce?

Many times, people who have gone through a divorce date for the wrong reasons. Sometimes, it’s to prove to themselves they are still attractive and interesting, other times, it’s to spite their ex-spouse. Sometimes, it’s because there is an underlying need to be loved. None of these are reasons to date and if you find yourself in one of these categories, the best thing you can do for yourself and others whom you would potentially become involved with is to take yourself off the market. These reasons for dating are indicative of a “needy” person. Whether this is a temporary neediness or a problem that runs deeper, do yourself a favor and wait until you’ve had time to work through things and heal. You’re not doing anyone any favors by getting romantically involved with someone else.

2.   Have you forgiven your ex-spouse, the other man/woman, or anyone else involved in your divorce?

If you want to find love again, you must ask yourself how in the world is it possible to have room in your heart for love if it is full of rage? Where is the room to love someone new if your heart is filled with animosity toward others?
Think about it this way: when you don’t forgive people for their offenses against you, your heart becomes like a tiny prison. You are the guard. You take your offenders out from time to time and punish them by replaying their offense over and over in your mind. You yell at them and tell them what you wish you had said at the time. Then you lock them up again until next time.

Before you date is the time to ask yourself if you’ve been able to come to a place of forgiveness. If not, take a time-out from dating until you feel you’ve made progress in this area.

3.    Are you dating for sex?

Let’s be honest. “Dating” after divorce these days usually means doing something fun like dinner or a movie before sleeping together. Not all divorced people do this, but its shocking how many people do. So, what is your intention in “dating.” If you just want to get out with friends you like and be social, do it. You’re not expected to live like a hermit because you’re divorced, and social relationships play a distinct role in your healing process. If it’s romantic dating, make sure you are truly free to do this by having a decree of nullity that states you are free to marry, and make you’ve tackled the previous two steps.

But, if by “dating” you mean just doing something as a precursor to sex, that should set off your internal alarms.

If you’re covered in the other departments I mentioned, a last check here is to make sure you understand the importance of showing non-sexual affection. Non-sexual affection means knowing how to treat someone sweetly, lovingly, without involving sex. It is necessary to learn how to show affection in a non-sexual way because it is an important form of communication between a man and a woman in a relationship. It is a way to build the romance and stoke the flames of love without any expectations of sexual intimacy.

I encourage you to reflect upon each one of these steps if you are divorced and considering jumping back into the dating scene. Take it from the one who learned this lesson the hard way… you will be happy you waited.