More Proofs of Atheism!

Having pored over the exhaustive evidence for atheism compiled here, I’ve come up with a few others in my encounters with the massively superior intellects of internet atheists, which I duly sent on to Philosopher@thomism.org

  1. An atheist argues that theists believe something ridiculous, as that the Eucharist is made of meat.
  2. The Theist explains that this ridiculous belief is not what theists, even theists who believe in the Real Presence, believe.
  3. The atheist declares that this is a “courtier’s reply”.
  4. Therefore God does not exist.

 

  1. If the Bible were really the word of God, it would be the Big Book of Everything, explaining transistors and the soil composition of Mars.
  2. The Bible is not the Big Book of Everything and does not discuss these matters.
  3. Therefore, the Bible is not the word of God.
  4. Therefore, God does not exist.

 

  1. Children believe in God.
  2. Children are childish.
  3. It is childish to believe in God.
  4. Therefore, God does not exist.

 

  1. Christopher Hitchens “just knew” that God did not exist at the age of nine.
  2. I believe that children are our future
  3. Teach them well and let them lead the way
  4. Show them all the beauty they possess inside
  5. Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
  6. Let the children’s laughter remind us how we used to be.
  7. Therefore nine year old Christopher Hitchens was right.
  8. Therefore, there God does not exist.

Feel free to add your own!  Remedial reading for atheists who feel the strange compulsion to keep padding the case for the new atheism here.  Dudes: you aren’t smarter then the common herd.  You’re  just more socially inept and therefore mistake you intellect worship for intellect us.  Napoleon Dynamite with a Mean Streak is not the Nietschzean Superman.  Learn from Phil Plait and memorize Wheaton’s Law.

  • Steve

    1) All Christians are supposed to do display perfect behavior at all times.
    2) I once encountered a Christian who was a jerk.
    3) Therefore God does not exist.

    1) The various logical proofs for God do not show that it is the God of Abraham.
    2) Christians believe in the God of Abraham.
    3) Therefore God does not exist.

  • capaxdei

    1. Belief in God comforts the believer.
    2. Atheists do not find the thought of belief in God to be comforting.
    3. Therefore, God does not exist.

  • ivan_the_mad

    1. Your mother was a hamster.
    2. And your father smelt of elderberries.
    3. Therefore, God does not exist.

    • wlinden

      I blow my nose at you, son of a silly person!

  • Sean P. Dailey

    1. I have a hangover.
    2. A merciful God would not allow hangovers.
    3. Therefore, God does not exist.

    Wow! I had no idea atheism was so easy!

  • SteveP

    A variation on the argument from fear:
    1) I made a vow.
    2) I broke the vow.
    3) Therefore the Merciful Judge does not exist.

  • Dean

    1) God answers prayers
    2) I prayed really hard for a pony when I was 5
    3) I didn’t get the pony
    4) therefore God does not exist.

    • Raymond

      I prayed for a bike, but then I realized that God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.

  • A Philosopher

    If only there were traditionalists who were also atheists! It would be the perfect storm of contempt.

    • ivan_the_mad

      Therefore, God does not exist.

    • chezami

      Evangelical Atheists, fundamentalist Protestants, and Reactionary Traditionalists actually strike me as very similar personality type quite often. Sorry you think making fun of the immense capacity for non sequitur, fallacious reasoning and intellect worship in the online atheist community is contempt. In fact, it’s simply skewering the truly terrible and hilariously bad “arguments” one encounters so often in this community of people whose conviction of their intellectual superiority is only outstripped by the frequent inability to demonstrate even minimal levels intellect use. The bulk of the silly arguments people are citing are not inventions, but quotations. It’s a great big dumb world out there when it comes to lazy, mutually back-slapping Pack Atheism.

  • honzik

    1) Theists disapprove of sin.
    2) What right do they have to judge my sin?
    3) Therefore, God does not exist.
    4) Besides, I hate him.

    1) Theists have lots of children and are more fit than I am in the Darwinian sense
    2) That’s not fair, besides, overpopulation makes Mother Earth cry.
    3) Therefore, God does not exist.
    4) Also: I never l really liked my father.

    • Dave G.

      Fair enough. I’m not given to these little digs as a general rule. And I get A Philosopher’s general opinion. After all, it isn’t just atheists or even reactionaries and Protestant fundamentalists who use stupid arguments. But here’s the thing. The modern narrative, one that many atheists seem happy to exploit, is that atheist = smart person, religious person = idiot. Go to some atheist blogs and read atheists who say just that. So in this case, I’m a little sympathetic. If you are going to boast that ‘by virtue of my atheism I’m brilliant’, then you had best not use lame arguments. Using lame arguments is never good mind you. But it’s worse when you’ve made such a claim.

  • Evan

    (Thanks to ivan_the_mad for reminding me of this)

    1. LIFE OF BRIAN is hilarious.
    2. It makes fun of Jesus, all Christians hate it, and they have no sense of humor.
    3. Theist: “I love LIFE OF BRIAN, and it completely respects Jesus and His actual teachings.”
    4. Atheist: “Shut up.”
    5. Therefore, God does not exist.

  • meunke

    1: Here’s a picture of Neil Degrasse Tyson superimposed on a starfield background with an quote about how big space is.
    2: …
    3: Therefore God doesn’t exist.

  • Nick Corrado

    1. A conclusion follows from its premises.
    2. The conclusion of this argument is “Therefore, God does not exist.”
    3. The premises of this argument are true.
    4. Therefore, God does not exist.

    Does this one work?

  • JM1001

    1. Science is awesome.
    2. The Church was anti-science.
    3. Theist: “Actually, no it wasn’t. It’s more complicated than…”
    4. Atheist: “Shut up.”
    5. Therefore, God does not exist.