The Emergent Church is a super-rarified form of post-Evangelical Protestantism that basically is in reaction to everything the generation of James Dobson and Billy Graham thought important. As such, it has developed it’s own unique vocabulary that no normal person outside the Bubble would ever use and has succeeded in making itself yet another even more out-of-touch species of Christianity. Somebody has finally lampooned this in a hilarious re-telling of Emergent Church Jesus meeting the Woman at the Well:
Exhausted from global warming in oppressed Palestine, Jesus chilled at Jacob’s Well in the realm of “the other” called Samaria. Jesus’ cohort left him to buy organic at the nearest fair-trade kiosk. A Samaritan woman, “the other,” approached the community’s gathering space, carrying a jar, the symbol of her status in a harsh, patriarchal culture.
Jesus said to her, “Water is good. Water is to be shared. Water is life. May we share in a drink of water together?” He lit two candles, too, symbolizing the two flames of life at the well. The woman replied, “I am in the oppressed class–a Samaritan–and you are in the religiously oppressive class– the Jew. I am victim; you are power. How is it that you encounter me in such a counterintuitive egalitarianway in a world of power-assigned values?”Jesus mildly pushed back, “Woman, I am post-Jewish. I am post-Second Temple Judaism. I am the Revolution as I assign new symbolic value to people, places and religion itself. I am on a journey through liminal space into the emerging reality where all is love.”
“Friend and soul-mate, how can this be, this new paradigm of meaning?” the woman asked
Jesus continued in soft-toned dialogue with the woman, “I don’t know. No one knows. We see through a glass darkly. We are now simply deconstructing the old and hoping to see the new emerge. No one can step up and lead, of course.”
Read the whole thing here. Truly inspired.*
*Note: Not truly inspired.