This is why you’re single, Muslim ladies

Listen Muslim ladies, it’s the slow-jam Imam — and it’s time that we have a heart-to-heart.

[Obligatory soundtrack]

If you’re wondering why you haven’t had any success at masjid mixers, or you’re cursing that seemingly wasted subscription at Naseeb, I’ve got some answers for you. Chances are that you fall into one of these categories of ladies unfit for a Muslim gentleman (thanks to my friends at Muslim Spice for bringing this important matter up):

You’re using social media: It might be time to axe your Twitter and Facebook accounts, because your online presence is probably warding off potential suitors. It has been proven, by many studies, that no Muslim woman can resist logging into a social networking site without making posts about getting lost in Tariq Ramadan’s eyes. Of course, all conversations held by females are useless, and men only use social networking sites for the important business of men. If you’re using it for professional reasons (trick statement: your only valid role is being a homemaker), then that might be OK — but I’m afraid that I would have to recommend doubling up on your prayer to avoid falling prey to the Internet’s slippery slope.

You have a career: Are most of your interests on your Naseeb profile related to your professional pursuits? Then your career just might be getting in the way of becoming hitched to the infantalised gentleman of your dreams. You see ladies, it’s a scary place outside of your husband’s rigid home, and you have to understand that your small brain could not handle it. It is also a scientific fact that women are constantly in a state of lust, and you must battle the temptation to be in any situation where you might be exposed to the unguarded glances of men. You might be thinking that you’re discussing photocopies and reports, but you’re really just on your way to a sordid evening with a haraam stranger. Get baking and drop that diploma — these working men aren’t going to take care of themselves.

You give in to your weak, female qualities: A Muslim woman must never succumb to her natural tendencies to constantly cry, bicker, or argue. I get it — life for you is hard, its path a minefield filled with potential reasons to fall into an emotional state. However, Allah gives you a husband to guide you through life, and by displaying your emotions you’re just stranding yourself without a logical beam of support.

You have this crazy notion that you are equal to men: Do you challenge other people when they’re wrong — regardless of their gender? Do you have opinions? Stop that. Your potential husband might mistake you for a feminist (see below).

You are a non-virgin that doesn’t cover herself: Your chastity is directly tied to your self-worth, ladies — and if you’ve slow-jammed before marriage then it’s probably time to give up on this whole matrimony thing. Now being a non-jabi might not mean that you’ve popped your cherry, but it’s a signal that you’re ready to do it for free. Remember, marriage means that you’re a man’s property — and you’re not doing yourself any favours when you’re not focusing on giving yourself the highest value.

You are a feminist: I give up on you, sister. No man wants to tie himself to a woman that is on the hairy path to hell.

I understand. This is a hard pill to swallow. You’re weak and you probably can’t avoid falling into these categories, so it is my hope that science will soon give us the halal robot wives of our dreams. Until then, if you work hard at avoiding these qualities, you’ll be engaged to the brother of your own dreams in no time. Just remember — your best qualities are being passive and pumping babies out. Even though Islam doesn’t really say that — anywhere, ever.

Slow jammin’ Imam out.

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  • Farhat

    Brilliant piece of writing. Enjoyed it immensely.

    • Sara Yasin

      Thank you Farhat! I really enjoyed writing it. Only way to tackle the trolls…

  • Aurooba Ahmed

    THANK YOU SARA! That post made me so ridiculously angry.This is a perfect rebuttal! Kudos!

    • Sara Yasin

      Me too. I was just full of rage! I just hate that mentality…

  • Eren Cervantes

    Thank you for addressing this dear Sara!!! I know we were just so mad about it… hahahah…. I hope the gentlemen at Muslim Spice will reconsider their “peculiar” post in regards to women….

    • Sara Yasin

      Thanks Eren! I was pretty raging and I’m excited Krista let me indulge my inner slow jammin’ Imam…

  • Izzie

    LOL!! Hilarioussss

  • Yusuf Khan

    Okay tea party is over ladies, where’s our sandwich?

    • Sarah Kn

      OMG you’re so clever.

  • Reema Alyahya

    Ah, thank you! Loved this. Only sad part is some people might actually think it’s not just comic relief.

  • Fatima Haffejee

    as is common knowledge one of the signs of judgement day is that there will be 50 woman to one man but at the rate things are going it looks like 49 of those 50 woman may not even consider marrying or being in a long term relationship. This post brings to light why so many (muslim) woman are choosing to remain single rather than be married off.

  • Merium

    Awesome stuff, Sara!

  • Richard

    Where is your mahram? How are you posting on this infidel site without a man’s permission? You must be punished! Marry a muslim now! (How’s that for cruel but not unusual punishment?)

  • Dan

    If you really want to piss them all off, marry me.
    I’m not Muslim and you could indulge in your inner and outer slow jammin’ Imam all you wanted.
    Please try to keep the crying, bickering and arguing to a minimum.

    • Sarah Kn

      Oh shut up. No one’s asking to be saved by some next white man. She’s obviously being sarcastic and candid.

  • Chris

    Love it. Especially the hairy path to hell!

  • Sidra Mahmood

    Absolutely loved it especially because the original article caused so much havoc for me and my friends. The sad part about it was that some women may actually believe it if they are controlled by men who may practice the same values as the others.
    Thank you! Singlehood is a blessing because no, thank you, even I’m not interested in marrying you dear brother-in-ignorance.

  • Tashfia Shamsuddin

    I love the comeback! That should show them. I also went and read the article “Men That Women Should Not Marry” on Muslim Spice. It’s just as ridiculous. Looking forward to see if you have anything to say about that.

  • Teresa

    Oh my goodness, that was just hysterical! I was slow jammin’ in my mind the whole time I read it… :D