A WEDDING SERVICE
In the Western Tradition[i]
Compiled from diverse sources,
Edited and annotated by
The Reverend James Ishmael Ford
Minister
First Unitarian Church
Providence, Rhode Island
Address to the Congregation
Minister We are here gathered to witness the joining of and in marriage; which is an honorable estate, instituted in the necessities of our being, and dedicated to the happiness of people and the welfare and continuance of humanity; an estate not by any to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly, but reverently, discreetly, soberly, and in all sincerity.
To be true, this outward form must be a symbol of that which is inner and real; a sacred personal union, that a church may solemnize and a state make legal, but which love only can create, and mutual loyalty fulfill.
To endure, the marriage of these two people must be a consecration of each to the other, and of both to the wider community of which their lives are a part.
Interrogation[iv]
Minister to Groom , will you have this woman to be your wife, to live together in the holy estate of marriage? Will you love her, comfort her, honor and keep her, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, and be faithful to her, as long as you both shall live?[v]
Answer I will.
Minister to Bride , will you have this man to be your husband, to live together in the holy estate of marriage? Will you love him, comfort him, honor and keep him, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, and be faithful to him, as long as you both shall live?
Answer I will.
Minister to the Congregation Will you who witness these pledges do your utmost to support this marriage?
Congregation We will.
Presentations[vi]
Minister Who presents the bride in marriage?
Bride’s family We do.
Minister Who presents the groom in marriage?
Groom’s family We do.
Or
Minister Who presents the bride in marriage?
Bride’s family She gives herself, and we share in her giving, joyfully.
Minister Who presents the groom in marriage?
Groom’s family He gives himself, and we share in his giving, joyfully.
Pledges[vii]
The couple are facing each other. The groom takes the bride’s hand in his own. Then prompted by the minister, the groom speaks his pledge
Groom I, , take you, , to be my wife, (to be the mother of my children,) to be the companion of my heart, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.
Bride and groom loose hands. The bride then takes the groom’s hand in her own. Then, prompted by the minister, the bride speaks her pledge.
Bride I, , take you, , to be my husband, (to be the father of my children,) to be the companion of my heart, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part.
Readings[viii]
Minister It is appropriate to read from scriptures and other inspired writings (and to play inspired music) at this time. These readings (and this music) from our common heritage give a special blessing to a wedding.
First
Second And, second, from the great Unitarian divine A. Powell Davies: When two individuals meet, so do two private worlds. None of our private worlds is big enough for us to live a wholesome life. We need the wider world of joy and wonder, of purpose and venture, of toil and tears. What are we, any of us, but stranger and sojourners forlornly wandering through the nighttime, until we draw together and find the meaning of our lives in one another, dissolving our fears in each other’s courage, making music together, and lighting torches to guide us through the dark? We belong together. Love is what we need. To love and to be loved.
Rings
Bride and groom loose hands again, and continue to face each other. The minister receives the rings (frequently from the best man, but there are many other ways to appropriately pass the rings to the minister). Holding the rings, the minister pronounces a sentence of dedication[ix]
Minister Rings are an ancient symbol, blessed and simple. Round like the sun, like the eye, like arms that embrace. Rings are circles reminding us of the endless cycles of life and love. And so, may these symbols remind you always that your love, like the sun, illumines; that your love, like the eye, must see clearly; and that your love, like arms that embrace, truly is a blessing upon this world.
The minister returns the bride’s ring to the groom, who places it on the fourth finger of the bride’s left hand. The groom, prompted by the minister says.
Groom , with this ring, I thee wed.
The minister then gives the groom’s ring to the bride, who places it on the fourth finger of the groom’s left hand. The bride, prompted by the minister, says.
Bride , with this ring, I thee wed.
A Prayer
Minister Thou great light that lightest every one who comes into the world, we rejoice with these thy children for the blessed light in their hearts leading them to love and trust each other. Trusting each other, may they trust life and not be afraid; loving each other, may they know more and more wondrously the power and blessedness of life. May they find comfort each with the other in any hour of darkness. May each bring their whole self to the other, that they may have the grace, the skill, and the patience to walk hand in hand and heart with heart, upon the journey of life together. Amen.
Or
Minister We rejoice at the love in and hearts that has led them to trust each other with their lives. Trusting each other, may they trust life and not be afraid; loving each other, may they know more and more wondrously the power and blessedness of life. May they find comfort each with the other in any hour of darkness. May each bring their whole self to the other, that they may have the grace, the skill, and the patience to walk hand in hand and heart with heart, upon the journey of life together. Amen.
A Blessing
Minister , and , may you know great love together, and may you live in the desire to attain that best which each may win more richly just because of the other. May you strengthen one another in all sorrow, share with one another in all gladness, and be companions to each other in times of the silent and unspoken. May your home help to make the world just a little more homelike. And should you ever be lost in that maze of circumstance, may there be for you both a way back to the tenderness and beauty of your life together. Wherever you may be placed by changing fortune, may you be united not in word or outward form alone, but by the presence in your hearts of ever deepening love. May the benedictions that rest on those who truly love, rest upon you, and fill you with love’s grace, both now and forever.
Conclusion of Service
The minister, causing the bride and groom to join their hands, and with the minister’s hand placed on theirs, pronounces the admonition and declaration.
Minister , and , have chosen one another from the many men and women of the earth, have declared their love and purpose before this gathering, and have made their pledges each to the other symbolized by the holding of hands and the giving and receiving of rings. Therefore, I declare that they are husband and wife.
Let all others honor them and the threshold of their house. May they find here the good beginning for the spending and the fruitfulness of many years. Amen.
The Wedding Kiss
Recessional
[i] This is a nonsectarian wedding service in the Western tradition. It may be easily adapted to specific traditions by the appropriate insertion of brief prayers or meditations. In particular the readings can be adapted to reflect a given tradition. This service has been used by a number of people from various traditions, and has been particularly successfully adapted by Western Buddhists on a number of occasions.
In general weddings today do not have “bride’s side” and “groom’s side.” It is good to have ushers to help people be seated. If an order of service is provided (it need not be, and often is not used, but is nice), the ushers hand the program to each person as they arrive. Close family members are often formally seated, in particular mother’s of the bride and groom. This last seating is often the signal that the wedding is about to begin.
[ii] The single most important thing for the couple that are to be married understand is that the whole thing boils down to one thing: some promises each are making to the other. If this is understood as the irreducible bottom line, then there can be room for all sorts of other things. These include making family happy or having a party or having a public service. These can be important, no doubt. But they are secondary or tertiary to the only truly important thing: the promises two people are making to each other. With this sense of priority in place, the following may be helpful.
In preparing for the wedding the couple are almost always the responsible parties. Almost certainly whatever arrangements are made are made by them or by people they’ve asked. On the day of the wedding they need to let go of these things. On the day of the service the minister should be solely responsible for the service proper. But it may be wise to have another person responsible for all the rest of what is going on. For instance, there are a small number of people without whom you probably do not want to begin the service, mothers, an aunt, a beloved friend. This designated person, major domo, is a good title, is the one to know who they are, whether they’ve arrived, and to inform the minister that they are here. But there are a million other small things that may need an authoritative decision. A button pops. Major domo says here’s a needle and thread, here’s a safety pin, here’s a bit of cellophane tape. Whatever it is, they become the court from which there is no appeal. If there is a wedding planner these functions are usually taken by that person. If not, it should be someone who has no other part in the service. It isn’t the end of the world not having such a person, but it is a good idea.
Before the service begins the minister generally addresses the congregation letting them whatever logistical issues there are that they need to know, such as whether there is a receiving line, or that the couple needs time for photographs, etc, as well as to let them know there will be an “interrogation of the congregation.” If the couple wishes a prayer be said, it may be said at this time.
[iii] There are various ways the processional may be done, depending upon the shape of the location where the wedding is to occur, and the degree of formality desired for the service.
In general a live musician is recommended. Even a friend who is competent on a guitar can often be more useful than the finest recorded music. The musician is usually responsible for incidental music for fifteen or so minutes before the wedding is scheduled to begin. Then, when it is time, to do the processional (often with two parts, one for the attendants and a second for the bride and her escort(s)). Then, if there is a musical interlude during the service, to do that. And, finally, to do the recessional. Sometimes by prior agreement the musician is also responsible for incidental music as people depart.
Also, a professional photographer is strongly recommended. Many people have regretted not having photographs. Possibly as many have regretted having a friend do some informal snapshots. However, few if any have regretted having professional photographs done.
If a videographer is to be used, it is wise to be clear whether the video camera should be fixed, and if not, how close to the couple the camera should come. This is mentioned because, while professional photographers understand how to move quickly, take a picture and then move on, videographers move much more slowly and have been known to block people’s view of the wedding. This has included blocking the view of the parents.
If these professionals have not been paid in advance, someone should be designated to pay them promptly at the end of the service. If there is a major domo, that person should hold the checks. While it can be surprising to learn this, few professionals hired for the occasion are in fact uninterested in mingling with the wedding party while waiting to be paid. It is inappropriate to make them wait, and worse to make them ask.
With a very small wedding, one with fewer than twenty people present, a formal processional may be dispensed with and the bride and groom may instead choose to visit with the congregation informally ahead of the wedding. As the time comes the minister can consult with the couple and if they are ready invites the congregation to stand in a semi-circle around the couple. There should, if at all possible, always be some chairs for the elderly or otherwise in need of a seat.
And, of course, a processional is perfectly okay, no matter how small or large the wedding.
As for processionals there are any number of ways this may be done. There is no way one is more right than another. That said the most common form is for the minister, the groom and the groom’s party to take their places before the processional begins, shortly after the minister makes the general logistical announcements. In this case only the bride’s party walks.
It is nearly impossible to walk too slowly in a processional. It is good to reiterate this, and it is one of the main reasons for having a rehearsal. The other is simple “blocking,” helping people feel comfortable with the physicality of the event.
Children in a wedding can be a delight. And it is common for children to carry flowers, and sometimes rings. Some precautions are important. For instance, if the actual rings are being carried, they should be secured on the pillow or in the box in a way that makes it very, very hard for them to be dislodged. Also, there should be an adult not otherwise involved directly in the service for each child, so that if, for instance, the child declares, as has happened, “I need to go to the bathroom,” there is a person who will take care of that quickly and without fuss…
The traditional processional begins with the flower girls/boys, then the bride’s maids, then the ring bearer (who sometimes follows the flower girl), then the bride and her escort (most commonly the bride’s father. Although there are many completely acceptable escorts, including mothers, and families…) In this regard it is increasingly common for the genders of the parties to be mixed. So, a bride may have a best man, etc. Obviously, in the liberal communities of faith the couple themselves may be same sex. This service can easily be adapted in that case, where it becomes party A and party B. As in most cases in life a little generosity of spirit goes a long way. And if we think of the wedding as a dance, where sometimes one leads and sometimes one follows, all will be well.
When the couple has arrived, the bride should hand off the bouquet either to be held by the maid/matron of honor or to be placed on a small waiting table, the couple should face each other and hold hands. Ideally their outward shoulders should be slightly turned to include the congregation. They should not face the minister but rather each other. Their party is arranged more or less in a shallow bowl configuration, allowing everyone to see the couple framed by their friends.
The congregation usually stands during the final part of the processional as the bride enters. Once the processional ends, if there are chairs the minister should now invite people to be seated.
After everyone is seated the minister addresses the congregation.
[iv] There is an arc to the service building up to the exchange of vows and rings. Liturgically this part is a foreshadowing. The couple will later make their vows directly. Here they are simply asked to give their assent. One never knows how the bride and groom will speak. Some open their mouths and no noise comes out. Others have Shakespearian voices that shake the rafters. Some cry all the way through the service. Others laugh all the way. What seems true is that as long as they remember they’re here to make their promises to each other, and bring sincere hearts to that matter, it works. It always works.
In this service as has already been mentioned, there is also a questioning of those present, asking if they are going to help turn this wedding into a marriage. In the opening remarks before the service began the minister will speak to how important it is for the couple to have this support. And they are informed that the “only appropriate” answer to the question will be a loud and enthusiastic “We will.”
[v] Generally anything less than promises of everything are inadequate to the importance of this enterprise. People who are squeamish about “till death do us part” language should seriously question why. The statistics are not good for any marriage surviving five years. To start with a promise of less than one hundred percent, which is no where more completely said than through “’till death do us part” is usually a mistake. Superlatives such as “one hundred and twenty percent” or “two hundred percent,” or obscure references such as “as long as love lasts” tend to obscure the importance of the moment.
[vi] This optional part of the service is often deleted or re-written by the couple. In our culture to have only the bride be “presented” opens the raw history of women as chattel, and is inappropriate to our times. And so in this Order of Service, both bride and groom are “given.” This is also the most commonly cut part of the service.
In the case of subsequent marriages, a child or children from that previous marriage may present the bride or groom. It is very important that the child is comfortable doing this and not be forced. There have been situations where the couple thought they had compliance if not comfort much to everyone’s embarrassment when the child went off script…
This is also an appropriate place to light the increasingly popular “unity candle.” If it is used, a recommended process is: Before the service begins, representatives of the families, ideally the mother’s come forward and each lights a candle. At this moment in the service the couple go to the table with the candles, and at the same time each take one and then together light a third, usually larger candle. Symbolically it is important not to then extinguish the two side candles which should simply be put back in place. The two individual lights are not subsumed, but rather something new is being created. The candles can be problematic in an outdoor service.
This is a good moment to consider the length of the service. There is too short and there is too long. In real time too short is when people ask, “What happened?” Too long is when people stop looking at the bride. In clock time ten minutes is in general too short and half an hour is moving toward too long. This service as conducted by the editor is approximately seventeen minutes.
If using this wedding as a template but making adjustments, one should be aware that if cutting considerably, at some point material needs to be added, and in the same spirit, if much is added, at some point material needs to be cut.
[vii] The promises made should be direct and with considerable heart. It should also be the unbreakable contract, for one lifetime. If personal vows are made instead of these provided, they should be inspired by the tone and completeness of these traditional vows.
It is generally unwise to memorize texts. If it is relatively brief such as these provided vows, the minister prompts, giving a few words or a sentence at a time, which can be repeated.
Ideally the minister will adjust her or his volume so that if the bride or groom speaks softly the congregation can hear the words. Similarly, if the bride’s or groom’s voice project well, the minister should speak just so the couple can hear.
If the vows are longer it is wise to have a prepared card and for the couple to read them to each other from the card.
Choosing to sing or some similar dramatic departure from reciting the vows is moving into very dangerous waters and is not generally encouraged.
[viii] There should generally be two readings, unless there is to be a long musical interlude, in which case one of the readings should be omitted. There are a wide range of appropriate readings that may be used. The minister should be able to provide or recommend sources. Into the Garden: A Wedding Anthology: Poetry and Prose on Love & Marriage edited by Robert Hass and Stephen Mitchell is a very good resource, and includes an early version of this wedding service. The web has many sites with possible readings. It is usually wise to choose at least one of the readings from sacred texts dear to the couple. The second reading in the order of service by the late Reverend A. Powell Davies is a good example of an appropriate non-scriptural reading.
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