Is my wife too seductive?

When my wife seduces me, luring me to bed for wild lovemaking and sex she depicts erotic behavior intended to cause [my own] sexual excitement. But wait…Is my wife being ‘pornographic’ when she does that to me? I get very comfortable with her enticements, but is her introducing these things then sinful?

Pornography has to do with a medium meant to make a monetary profit in exchange for sexual arousal (i.e film, magazines, etc.).  Unless you are directly involved in the pornography industry, sexual interactions between humans is not called “pornography.”  Even if money was being exchanged – that’s called prostitution, not pornography.  I hope you can see how ridiculous it is to think of your wife anywhere near any of these terms.

Since I have heard certain church leaders warn women to make sure they are not becoming “pornography” in talks meant to educate about modesty, I can see why you would have such a question.  In my opinion, these types of comments labeling women are highly inappropriate, damaging and placing responsibility on women regarding the sexual arousal of men – also inappropriate.  Even if a woman chooses to dress in a way one would deem immodest or inappropriate – this does not make her “pornography.” Pornography is a product – not a person.

A healthy marriage is the perfect place to explore lovemaking – whether it be “wild” or not.  It is the place where it should be safe to be erotic, to be seductive, to be alluring, to be playful and to have fun.  I see it as a wonderful thing that your wife feels safe enough to initiate sex and lure you to her side – especially since she’s found herself in a culture (if she is LDS and/or American) that has not taught her how to own her own desire – that has not taught her how to be an initiator.  I say enjoy this wonderful gift she’s able to give!

If you’re truly uncomfortable with something sexual she is doing – then talk about it together.  Be willing to look into your own biases, your own sexual perceptions/development/upbringing and your own expectations about what sex in a marriage should look like.  It’s important to be able to communicate openly both in and out of a sexual setting so both partners can have as enjoyable an experience as possible.  

Respecting Agency in Parenting
Support for LGBTQ Rights? Not convinced…
The Effects of Excommunication on All of Us: Healing Perspectives
TLC’s My Husband’s not Gay…
  • Anonymous

    All I can say is, you luck sob!!!

  • Anonymous

    This is something I would NEVER complain about….

  • Anonymous

    Thankyou Natasha for naming the problem with 'being pornography'. Sometimes these things bug me but I can't quite get what it is that's bugging me,and it matters when we have young people who we are educating about sex-actually it matters for all of us. I do try to monitor what I hear and see to check out if it's sex positive-wether it promotes a happy and enjoyable sex life within a committed relationship over time. I want my kids to have great sex with their beloved,and I want great sex with mine too.It makes a difficult life so much sweeter.

  • Gail Knickerbocker

    I really like this line: Pornography is a product – not a person. I REALLY HATE this line: If women dress immodestly then they become walking pornography! Absolutely Horrible, despicable, harmful, hurtful, wrong, upsetting, sexist, victim blaming, rape culture CRAP!!!!I think arousal is NOT wrong at all, it is very very very natural, human, and biological. So stupid to tell boys and girls that arousal is a sin and whatever caused the arousal is THE WORST of the sinners. Just Plain WRONG. Thanks Natasha for being level headed and writing in a way that leaves all the humans with the opportunity to enjoy life and not be made WRONG for BEING human which they can do nothing about anyway.

  • Anonymous this time

    I read a post like that, and all I can think is … count your blessings.I'd be excited (pun intended) if my wife would seduce me just once. I'm stuck with doing all the initiating, and my advances are accepted once every two months if I'm lucky. If you can share your secret, let me know!

  • Strong Man

    The fact that this question is even sincerely asked really irritates me and concerns me for where this idea came from. If we have people feeling that intimacy and arousal with your own wife is wrong, we have a huge problem with our culture and teachings.I'm with Gary–Arousal is GOOD, God given–perhaps even God-like–especially in marriage. If we didn't get aroused, God's plan for perpetuating children would fall apart.

  • Strong Man

    Oops–sorry, its Gail,not Gary above, that I agree with. typo.

  • Anonymous

    I feel sorry that the guy even thinks to ask this question in the first place!

  • Anonymous

    I'm not quite on Gail's side. Arousal is natural, but I don't think it's Christ-like to purposefully arouse a member of the opposite sex who isn't your spouse. The behavior of the original poster's wife isn't a problem as noted by Natasha, but I do think there has to be some common sense.

  • Anonymous

    I am a temple married, temple worthy, active member of the church. I am also a crossdresser. (I do not feel that I am trapped in the wrong body, attracted to men or any sort of gender confusion.) I have struggled with this issue for years. I thought that maybe after I was married, I would no longer have the desire to dress. After a few months I knew that was not the case. After much prayer, study, and struggling, I came to terms with it and talked to my wife after almost 7 years of marriage. She has been as understanding and helpful as can be expected, but still has a hard time. Needless to say, it has been hard for both my wife and myself to come to terms with everything. In moving foreword, we have set up guide lines boundaries for dressing, and have tried to be as open about each others feeling with regards to it. As we work together, we both feel in time things will get better. In the mean time, where do we go from here? Thanks!

    • Tom

      You and I have a lot of things in common. I think there’s a couple of differences. I don’t know if this is the same for you or not, but cross dressing is an arousing experience for me. I don’t know if that makes the behavior pornographic to me or not. The other difference is my wife although supportive to a point, cannot stand nor willingly allow me to cross dress. She sees it as a perversion and I can’t say I disagree with that. Even if it is a perversion (some would disagree), I also have to acknowledge that I have the desire, a strong desire, to engage in it. Somedays, like today, I’m tired. I don’t feel like I have much resistance and I become irritable. Becoming irritable prompts my loving wife to want to discuss my mood (I would too if she were angry) but in talking about it often only increases my desire to cross dress and increases her resistance. It’s sort of a vicious cycle. But enough about me. I’d be happy to have a little boundary. My advice, biased and unprofessional as it is, would be to set some goals with your wife. If you are trying to engage in this less often, set a goal to do so. Or perhaps it can be a reward for some other goal. For example, I have a goal to lose 40 pounds this year. I think I would be more motivated if I was allowed to cross dress upon completion of that goal, or something like that. See what you can do to work together to maintain a healthy relationship. Cross dressing is not as important as your wife or family even though sometimes it may seem that way. I think that is why I trudge on sometimes because it isn’t the most important thing in my life although the draw to indulge sometimes seems unbearable. Good luck.

  • Anonymous

    I've a question regarding the use of erectile dysfunction medication. I wouldn't classify myself as suffering from premature ejaculation but there are times where longer sessions of intercourse would be desirable. As I understand it, ED drugs can also be used to maintain erection/prolong erection, not just cause erection. I understand there are medical issues to consider with any medication. Aside from the medical considerations, what are the pros/cons to ED drugs. Can they be used for "recreation" to occasionally spice up love-making? Any readers out there that have good or bad experiences with this?

    • Gale

      Well… I’m not going to say it definitely wouldn’t give you the result you want, but like any drug, it’s really not advisable to take them unless you have an actual need for it. It’s not dangerous for most people, if used responsibly, but it can increase the risk of heart failure in people with existing cardiovascular issues, and is generally not prescribed to people with low blood pressure or decreased liver or kidney function. And, well, as they say, “If the symptoms persist for more than four hours, consult a medical professional”…

      Honestly, before seeking medical aid, I would definitely encourage you to try other ways to make sex last longer. Obviously, I can’t possibly know what you have and haven’t tried, so general advice I would give anyone, would be, well… Talk to your partner. Talk about what they like and don’t like, what their body responds to, and incorporate what you learn. For a lot of people, this can feel awkward and embarrassing at first, but openness and communication can be absolutely key in making your relationship in bed as fulfilling and satisfying as it can be. On your own, you could think about your own body, try to identify where your limits are, how far you can go before you pass the point of no return. Figure out when to slow down, when to back off, when to change gears, or change position, especially if you’ve wanted to try and draw things out a little longer. You could spend more time on things that don’t involve the penis, treating insertion as a single act in a multiple-part play, either building up to it as the big finish, or just keeping you both happy and occupied during the refractory period. Sex doesn’t necessarily have to end in the absence of an erection.

      Uh. That got a little longer and more in-depth than I intended it to. Really, it’s just that ED medication should kinda be something of a last resort. It’s true that it does see use recreationally, to “spice things up”, as you say, and I don’t think that’s really wrong. But there are other things to try first, you know?

  • Anonymous

    I recently found out my husband is looking at porn online when he travels. We have an open and honest marriage (or I thought we did) and I have asked him many times, in which he has lied to me. For my own sanity, I am trying to figure out if he is an addict or made bad choices and developed a bad habit…or I'd there is even a difference. He has been looking at porn for about 6 months 2-10 times a month, depending on how many days he is out of town. Typically around 6. He has admitted that he has been looking at it at least one of the nights every time he goes out of town for about 6 months. Before this period, he looked at it about 1-3 times a year. He said he has never looked at it at home, and I believe him. He leaves his computer at work and we go to bed together every night. He said he doesn't think about it (except feeling bad or stupid) when he is at work or home. He says the temptation starts at the earliest when he gets back to the hotel. Other than the fact that he lied about it, and felt spiritual guilt…he doesn't seem to have most of the addicted warning signs. He has talked to the bishop and he has agreed to get counseling and start the addiction course, but I really think he is doing the course as punishment to himself and for my peace of mind more than because he thinks he is truly addicted. I want to know if it's even possible for him not to be physiologically addicted, assuming what he is saying is true. I am treating him like he is an addict because I am so angry, but my guy feeling is that is isn't really addicted as much as he is stupid and weak. I don't want to tell him I think that because I don't really know if that's just wishful thinking on my part.

    • Gale

      Uh… I really would not classify 2-10 times a month as “addiction”. Pornography addiction does happen, but when it does, it means several times a day, to the point that it obstructs a person’s ability to live and work and do anything that doesn’t involve pornography, and is usually linked to deeper psychological issues that predispose a person towards dependent and addictive behaviour. Pornography isn’t like alcohol or cigarettes, where all it takes for addiction to start is a little too much exposure. Honestly? It sounds like your husband is pretty normal. I mean, I understand if both of you have beliefs about what is and is not acceptable behaviour from yourselves, and that it doesn’t really matter to you how statistically common it is – after all, it’s still an issue of honesty and self-control, with or without the pornography – but it might help if you try to remember that most people can and do consume exponentially more pornography than your husband does, and are still perfectly capable of living happy, productive, and fulfilling lives.

    • Anonymous

      As one who is recovering from an addiction to pornography, I can say that it is certainly possible to be addicted without looking at pornography every day. Being addicted means that you can’t stop of your own accord, regardless of the frequency of acting out. If your husband can’t decide to stop looking at pornography when he goes out of town even though he wants to stop, then he is addicted. Now, that doesn’t mean he’s without hope. The addiction recovery meetings are great. I honestly think every member of the church would benefit from going through the 12-step program. It’s really just a program for repentance that can be applied to any sin that one struggles with. If I were you, I would encourage your husband to go to the meetings and actively work the steps. I would also encourage him to try to find out what the underlying cause of his addiction is, be it loneliness, lust, procrastination, whatever. Then he can try to find more constructive ways to address the underlying problem.

  • Anonymous

    Sorry for the typos….I was typing from my iphone

  • Anonymous

    Anon 1:32

    I don’t think that your husband is addicted. If he were, he would be looking at porn at home, while at work, etc….

    I think he is like me, in that I just don’t like being alone. I like company, I like being with my family. When I am away from home on business I also get those temptations and will occassionally cave in. I think that it becomes an outlet from some of the stress of needing to perform at work, the family responsibilities, relationship issues, financial pressures, etc… I know that I need to find a better way to relieve the stress and anxiety that triggers the occassional porn viewing. I too try to hide my weakness from my DW, and I am incredibly embarrassed about my stupidity and weakness. I love my wife with all my heart, but the distance I feel from her at times, because of her lack of passion and desire in our sexual relationship also contributes to some of my weak moments. I feel like she is rejecting me and only has sex out of duty. I don’t feel like I turn her on, because if I did she would be drawn to me sexually and would show in her actions and passion. Sex for most men is not just a physical release, it is also an emotional bonding with our wives.

    I would suggest that you help take away those temptations while he is traveling. There are many creatative ways to share sexual tension while being separated, which would fill his cup so that he would be less likely to give into viewing porn. If he gets the physical and emotional bonding with you, he won’t feel the need to seek it else where.

  • Anonymous

    I am a 22-year-old female, in college and single. While growing up I never had the normal sexual urges that other kids probably had, maybe because of pressures from my parents to be a perfect Mormon girl, maybe for other reasons like depression. (My parents never gave me the sex talk or discussed anything about sex with me – I went online and looked everything about it up on my own after I heard school friends talking about it.) After several abusive boyfriends in high school, my self-esteem plummeted further into depression and self-harm. It is only in the last two or three years that I have been able to start to come to love myself for myself.

    But with that comes learning about my sexuality, something that now that I am on my own I have the freedom to work with. Only in the last year have I begun to feel sexual urges – not often, but when they do come, they’re very strong. I want to explore these and learn more about myself as I do, but while I don’t think it’s a sin to handle the occasional ones that naturally come, I don’t know how far it would be considered “proper” to go with these. Should I work with them like I never had to deal with while I was younger, or should I just try to ignore them since it’s so late in life? Is it okay to get something like a vibrator if it’s all right to go through these experiences, just to help them along so that they’re not haunting me all day (this has happened)? Should I worry that these drives are so strong, strong enough that my body starts achieving sexual arousal completely on its own, only now? I feel lost and a little scared and unsure of what to do. The logical side of me says everything will be fine, but the part of me that grew up with never having any sexual guidance from parents says that reverting to self-harm would be better than indulging these sexual urges. Can you help me? Thank you so much.

  • Anonymous

    I’m married in the temple and temple worthy, try to go every week.. What your feeling is a product of church leaders teaching things wrong and scaring members out of pornography rather than teaching them what it is. Due to lack of correct teaching many feel like having sexual thoughts about your spouse are wrong. This is your wife your talking about. As long as you both agree on what is being done it’s not wrong. I don’t see how looking at or doing anything with your wife could be considered pornographic in a sinful way.

  • Anonymose

    Im married to a preisthood holder.When we dated..he was very honest about everything in his past.He said that he was addicted pornography..since the age of 11.He controls it.What is a real trial for he said that his weackness is women…when he told me i cried.I got married.What i have noticed..he is always looking at women.When he notices an attractive women on the telly which is a lot..he goes into a daze.I found pics of attractive women ,on his computer..even tennis players..women.He has become fixated on numourouse women at church.Now there is a women at his work…who cant do no wrong..she has become a favourite at work…she is attractive.I asked him if he fancied her…his eyes were laughing..even though he says no.There has been gossip at work..he asked one worker what has been said they said they would rather not say.One of his worker who was being laid off got angry..and said there are favourites on this team…she got cross with this female worker that my husband likes.He uplifts these women…he never says anything to uplift me..i noticed this and he said that this female…he is fixated works harder than me.Im a housewife..who makes sure the house is clean his shirts..are clean and ironed..he gets a meal when he comes in.Im starting university soon.He likes to be the centre of attention and loves having banter with women.When he was a teenager..he felt he didnt have much to he learnt how to chat women up..and learnt what makes women tick..he is totally obssessed with women..attractive ones.He doesnt like overweight women..or what he sees as ugly.Please please help..i love him but it has knocked my self esteem…i lost weight ..i always put extra makeup on before he comes in…i feel so lost…many times i have said i cant cope with your weackness..and threatened to leave.I dont feel good enough..attractive enough…Its not helping my depression which has worsened.He even said there is no point..wearing sexy underwear..but that doesnt stop him looking at women who wear it.Im so lost…i feel sick when he comes so misearable…

  • Ryan

    Dear Anonymous,

    I am so sorry for your suffering. Your husband’s words and actions have been very insensitive and cruel. Light-hearted flirting is one thing, so long as it is rare and never serious or acted upon. You have the right to ask him to stop, and the right to expect that he should honor your request out of his love for you. It sounds to me like he has some deeper-rooted disorders of his soul if he feels like he cannot stop flirting with women. Many times a predisposition to flirt or womanize runs in the family, but not always. This is definitively a weakness of his, it is no fault of your own, and he should (in LDS practice) repent and then endeavor, struggle, to stop.

    Rather than dwelling on this in your head, which can only increase your anxiety and depression, you should try talking to him about it. Have you tried that? Your spouse is supposed to be your partner and best friend, and if you feel you cannot talk about it with your husband, or you have tried and he has not been willing to talk about it or change his behavior, I would recommend talking to your local bishop in your stake.

    I would also recommend doing things to diversify your day – don’t stay in the house all the time, and don’t keep folding his shirts if he is being so unkind! Meet other female friends, go walking, and if you have some close friends or relatives, talk to them about these things. This is *not* being disloyal to your husband. What he is doing is dishonoring you and disrespecting you. He is the one in the wrong.

    I would also recommend talking to an independent counselor if you feel that it might help you. In the meantime, remember that God loves you. I have never met you, and I know that He really does! As hard as it is to see it, God wants you to be happy, but He also very much wants your husband to treat you as you deserve to be treated – with loving kindness, warmth and honesty. He does not want you to suffer. He put your spirit into you and you are a beautiful part of His creation. I would strongly urge you to read from the Book of Psalms in the Bible, many of them are very comforting.

    I am a 21 year old Orthodox Christian man, a convert from a Catholic family who has researched and read widely on LDS beliefs and practices, met with bishops and Church elders, and read the LDS canon of Gospels. Your post reminded me of a similar trial which a distant relative, the widow of my paternal grandfather’s brother, faced from her husband (this man was my great uncle).

    My grandfather’s wife, my paternal grandfather, once told me of how Jane (my great uncle’s wife) would put on tons of makeup ever day before her husband Daniel came home from work. Jane told my grandmother her fear that “there are beautiful women in his office, I have to put makeup on to get his attention!” Aunt Jane constantly worried about Uncle Daniel’s womanizing. My grandmother told me that another time, she saw my great uncle Daniel say in the kitchen to his wife Jane, “Where is your makeup? Go back downstairs and put it on!”. I instantly recognized this as emotional abuse and cruelty, and reflected my great uncle’s weakness and own insecurities, making my great aunt feel terrible. I share this with you to illustrate how terribly wrong your husband’s treatment of you is. I hope he repents, changes his ways, and becomes worthy of being your spouse.

    May the Lord bless you and give you comfort.