Bismillahi Rahmani Rahim
Salaam Alaikum wa Rahmatullah
I actually got a decent amount of sleep last night, alhamdulillah. I’m not doing much today, bit of laundry. Have grocery shopping to do.
For some reason I woke up mad. Just angry, grumpy, don’t-anyone-mess-with-me mad. Trying not to be short with the kids but I have low tolerance right now for any temper tantrums. I’m “touch fatigued” as well. Too much time with baby on my shoulder and toddler on my lap. I just don’t want any physical contact with anyone right now. Mommies don’t get a lot of personal space but today I am imposing it, even if my two year old is upset.
I don’t know what causes these mood slumps. I go from normal to just really negative. I can’t do anything productive, look at the world with a jaundiced eye, spoiling for a fight. The only good thing is that I know that I’m not myself, that this is not me, so I can be just separate enough from the anger that I don’t let it overwhelm me. I just try to be quiet, to mind my tongue and not talk at all, lest some smart-aleck or snippy comment slip out. Just have to ride the wave and wait for it to subside. It can last a day or weeks or longer.
I wonder sometimes if it is due to my diet. I get on binges where I do things like drink a lot of soda or have too much sugar. I keep telling myself I have to eat better, but when I’m in the middle of a funk I reflexively reach for the junk. I don’t keep soda in the house, but hubby has been bringing a can every couple of days from the masjid after he goes to iftaar there, or I grab one from the checkstand at the grocery store. I think maybe it’s coming down from the sugar / caffeine high. I know that when I’ve really gone overboard on the sugar, like eating an entire bag of Reese’s peanut butter cups, the next day or two I’m really logy and even have arthritic symptoms. You’d think I’d learn.
Well, I do have to make a change. Now that I’m recovered from Zaid’s birth and getting at least marginally satisfactory sleep, I need to get on the ball about exercising. I have a professional weighted hula hoop to use – it’s very good for the abdomen and mimics, say, belly dancing. Hubby brought me some step machine that I haven’t used yet, and I have some exercise videos. I have a membership at the Y that I let lapse because I could never get away to go there, but that might change now. If I can get away, I have to, for my own sake.
Seeing a post on me being angry might surprise people. I know I tend to be only upbeat, posting positive snippets here or on FB. What, Nancy is human after all? Yep, I’m normal, only moreso. I have ups and downs and sometimes say a bad word when I stub my toe, yell at my kids, that sort of thing. I usually don’t post about it because, hey, everyone has challenges and I’m so not into throwing a pity-party for myself. Usually I just slog through the mood and then eventually it fades away. Til then, I fake it til I make it.
Having kids helps. You have to function on some level when you have kids. They have to be fed, dressed, talked to. I purposely spent some time looking at Zaid and smiling at him, just to get him to smile back so I could let those positive mommy hormones kick in. I forced myself to start the laundry, bleh, and came here to write even though I really didn’t want to. I honestly do feel a bit better. I think I’m getting less passive about the anger and more confrontational. “You won’t get the better of me, dark cloud!”. It won’t go away, but I can keep it from totally overshadowing my day.
Abdel Hamid wants me to bake some cornbread today. I’m kinda “not in the mood” but I will do it anyway because he wants it and he’s such a great kid. He knows I’m tired so he said tomorrow is fine, but I’ll push through because that’s what he deserves. Hey, it’s cornbread, not a $200 iPod or whatever :).
Okay, time to go pick up the baby, who is lying on his back on the bed gurgling at the talking heads on CNN. Mervat runs to check on him periodically – she has the mommy instinct for sure. Yusef just came to tell me he’s hungry, no surprise, lisping slightly due to a missing tooth. Yasin is chilling on the couch watching some lame cartoon. Most cartoons are lame nowadays. They need to watch some classic Bugs Bunny.
Okay, got that out of my system.
Fi Aman Allah,