call Dexter for a spatter analysis

communion fail cartoon by nakedpastor david hayward

“COMMUNION FAIL” by nakedpastor David Hayward

I’m sure Carl will come up guilty. All the evidence points in his direction. The spatter analysis indicate him as the source. There are many eye witnesses. He is willing to confess if they agree to a plea bargain: he can still receive the body and blood of our Lord next Sunday even though he can’t serve it. Deal! Now tell us everything.

I have some funny communion stories:

There was a minister who, having run out of communion juice, rummaged around his cupboards the night before his service until he found some juice crystals and made the juice and filled the little thimble cups and put it aside until morning. The next day when communion was served and everyone was to drink, they all tilted their cups back only to discover that he’d used jello.

I served an older congregation in an old church building. Presbyterian. It was a blistering hot summer Sunday. One of our older dignified ladies was there wearing her fur coat. As we were singing a hymn and serving communion, she fainted and dropped to the floor and vomited all over the place. The service abruptly ended. We called 911. As we waited we gathered around her, fanning her and cleaning things up. She finally opened her eyes, looked at me, and said, “Reverend Hayward? Is that you?” I said, “Yes, I’m here.” She responded, “You’re looking awfully pale!”

Another time a newer member of my congregation decided that she’d like to prepare communion one Sunday. Okay. She didn’t like the juice we served. She’d come from a more mainline church background and decided we should use real wine. I said we can’t use real wine because it would offend too many people. So she got nonalcoholic wine. When we took communion their were audible groans and some people even spit it out. It was the worst stuff I’d ever tasted. So I guess some people spewed Jesus out of their mouths.

There was a Sunday when we were serving communion when one of our members, a young man with intellectual disabilities, passed gas very loudly. No one knew what to do until he shouted, “Better out than in!” Then we all laughed and moved on.

We also let children receive. Once, when we finished drinking the juice, a small child spoke out, “Mmmmmmmm, Jesus is yummy mummy!”

That’s enough for today. Now get back to work.

We have fun over at The Lasting Supper. I invite you.

About David Hayward

David Hayward runs the blog nakedpastor as a graffiti artist on the walls of religion where he critiques religion… specifically Christianity and the church. He also runs the online community The Lasting Supper where people can help themselves discover, explore and live in spiritual freedom.

  • Aviatrix

    I laughed so hard at the jello story it scared one of my cats (the one named Dexter, by the way). That would be a great April fools day joke…

  • David Hayward

    yay! i succeeded!

  • http://forthisisthetime.blogspot.com/ Esther Aspling

    Those were great! I’ve got to share this one!

    http://forthisisthetime.blogspot.com/

  • David Hayward

    glad you like :)

  • http://theoldadam.wordpress.com/ Steve Martin

    Great stories!

    We use wine. And anyone can serve it (many do). We also have grape juice in some cups for those who can’t drink wine. Good system.Methinks.

  • klhayes

    Hahahahahahaha! That’s awesome David. I really needed to laugh.
    I remember at our first church, my whole family had decided to go (which was rare). We were behind this kid and his grandma and the kid was making faces at us. We were trying so hard not to laugh during the service but we clearly were. And the kid was enjoying the attention :)

  • Adam Julians

    Some people just have way too much time on thier hands :P

    However the fatring anf the kid saying Jesus was yummy was funny – i will give you that.

  • http://twitter.com/JohnLMayer John Mayer

    After having taken communion for years from a communal chalice (Episcopal-style), the first time I ever encountered the individual “thimble” cups, I fumbled the juice and spilled it directly onto my pants. As I tried to clean it up, the friend who had invited me said “talk about the blood of the lamb that stains, eh?”


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