call Dexter for a spatter analysis

communion fail cartoon by nakedpastor david hayward
“COMMUNION FAIL” by nakedpastor David Hayward

I’m sure Carl will come up guilty. All the evidence points in his direction. The spatter analysis indicate him as the source. There are many eye witnesses. He is willing to confess if they agree to a plea bargain: he can still receive the body and blood of our Lord next Sunday even though he can’t serve it. Deal! Now tell us everything.

I have some funny communion stories:

There was a minister who, having run out of communion juice, rummaged around his cupboards the night before his service until he found some juice crystals and made the juice and filled the little thimble cups and put it aside until morning. The next day when communion was served and everyone was to drink, they all tilted their cups back only to discover that he’d used jello.

I served an older congregation in an old church building. Presbyterian. It was a blistering hot summer Sunday. One of our older dignified ladies was there wearing her fur coat. As we were singing a hymn and serving communion, she fainted and dropped to the floor and vomited all over the place. The service abruptly ended. We called 911. As we waited we gathered around her, fanning her and cleaning things up. She finally opened her eyes, looked at me, and said, “Reverend Hayward? Is that you?” I said, “Yes, I’m here.” She responded, “You’re looking awfully pale!”

Another time a newer member of my congregation decided that she’d like to prepare communion one Sunday. Okay. She didn’t like the juice we served. She’d come from a more mainline church background and decided we should use real wine. I said we can’t use real wine because it would offend too many people. So she got nonalcoholic wine. When we took communion their were audible groans and some people even spit it out. It was the worst stuff I’d ever tasted. So I guess some people spewed Jesus out of their mouths.

There was a Sunday when we were serving communion when one of our members, a young man with intellectual disabilities, passed gas very loudly. No one knew what to do until he shouted, “Better out than in!” Then we all laughed and moved on.

We also let children receive. Once, when we finished drinking the juice, a small child spoke out, “Mmmmmmmm, Jesus is yummy mummy!”

That’s enough for today. Now get back to work.

We have fun over at The Lasting Supper. I invite you.

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