Once in a while I’ll write down all the little things that go flying through my mind. A few seconds of a whirlwind of thoughts and images ends up becoming a page or more of notes that take much longer to write. I was reviewing one of these subconscious sessions from a couple of years ago and came across “motorhead elephants offering high octane healing”. I immediately got an image of Ganesha decked out in colorful tie-dye and black leather. He slides to a halt spraying gravel looking cool. The swing of his trunk and dark eyes tell me to climb on and he’ll speed me away to perfect health and happiness. The words and images were a reflection of past beliefs.
IMAGE: A tie-dye design In a single spiral pattern, various hues of red, green, and blue swirl and blend to form different purples. The colors bleed into each other as if on fabric. Created using GIMP software by Ksd5.In the Public Domain at Wikimedia Commons.
For a few years in my life, I expected to be healed instantly of my emotional traumas, physical pain, and illness. I was certain of it because all of my life people were telling me this was possible. Christians said I could be healed by the light and blood of Jesus. Some Pagan ideas had me thinking if I knew the right entities or deities I would be granted a fountain of angelic, cosmic or fairy light that would heal my mind and cells. When that didn’t work I thought maybe I also needed to walk away from modern medicine and only seek alternative healing such as Reiki or using crystals and stones. I have to admit though part of that notion came from the fact that I didn’t have insurance.
In reality, healing is a slow process that doesn’t put us perfectly back together. Instead, caring for our mind, body and spirit transforms us into something new.
Writing this makes me want to speak in person to those who said I didn’t believe enough in radical healing. To look them in the eyes and say that it wasn’t the amount of belief that was the problem or belief in healing. It’s that my faith was being put into the miracle and higher beings rather than into faith in myself. I had to acknowledge the Divine Within. Instead of asking for empowerment I had to empower myself into taking the steps I needed to start on a healing path.
Those steps being improving my mental health, exercise, eating better, seeking competent physicians and specialists, and taking my medication. Reading that makes it sound so easy. However, there was a time when I couldn’t walk half a block and back without crying because my feet hurt so bad. I used to be afraid of doctors because I didn’t know what a good doctor was like. A female physician had once told me I wasn’t pregnant, I was obese and hinted through her mannerism and tone that I was disgusting and lazy. She didn’t explain that something serious could be going on since my periods had stopped and I had gained weight. Luckily a decent doctor discovered my thyroid had quit and got me on medication before I went into a coma. I was petrified of needles but I had to learn how to test my blood sugar. Later I had to learn how to give myself insulin injections four times a day. I’ve opened up my mind and soul to psychiatrists and psychologists so I can get on the correct mood medications and get my anxieties out into the open. On the magic end of things, I’ve journeyed through upper and lower realms and the realms of my dreams to recover my shattered bits. All of this so I can say, “I Am”.
As I journey through life sometimes I need the gentle showers of blessing from Ganesha’s trunk or to rest in a sunny field with Gaia. There are days when the sky is dark and it feels like the storm follows me purposefully trying to crush my will. Sometimes I do get a boost of energy and feel the wind against my face and embrace the powerful engine between my thighs as I cruise the high-octane road of healing.