I struggle to love myself but I do.
There are so many things about my body that could be considered flawed. For instance, I have morphia on my torso, thighs, and lower back. It’s scarring from an autoimmune reaction. I’m also pear shaped meaning my hips are wider then my waist and upper body. I’m only five feet tall and wear glasses. I have a mental illness and other physical illnesses.
I understand that I am perfect the way I am. Then there is the “but” or “in theory” that creeps into my head. I sometimes struggle the hardest with it when I’m at the swimming pool or taking a shower. I feel watched and wonder what other people think about me and my pudgy scarred body. Do they think I don’t belong and shouldn’t show myself? Of course no one has ever told me this. It’s all in my head which makes it worse. I am my own worst enemy as the saying goes.
On those days when I can focus and enjoy the water, I love the feel of cool water on a hot day or warm water running across my skin on a cold day. The aroma of soap rising up with the steam in a comforting shower can make me feel beautiful when I let derogatory thoughts float away. It’s like a simple ritual when I swim or shower. A way to let the water wash off my self-esteem issues. Especially the shower, where no one else is watching me become enthralled with being alive and having a body.
Sometimes I go about life feeling like a big old lump of matter and other days I feel radiant and gorgeous. I’m sure I’m not the only person with disabilities or scarring who has days where they struggle with body issues. I think at times that I’m a bit spoiled wallowing in self pity because I’m blessed to have all of my limbs and my mobility. I’m blessed to be in a loving relationship where my spouse tells me how beautiful my mind, soul, and body is.
The Goddess also tells me that I am her creation and that nothing is perfect. Beauty has to be seen to be believed so to be comfortable in my skin I have to find things about myself that are beautiful. My big hips roll gracefully, my body may be scarred but my face is flawless and so is my hair, I may have a mental illness but other things about my mind are sharp.
I have genuine, true, friends who are always there when I need them. I always feel better about myself after visiting with my friends.