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Two years ago Twitter agreed to comply with Germany’s law prohibiting neo–Nazi propaganda and organizations, and banned one such group from the social media site. Last month Turkey got Twitter to censor material it found offensive. The United Kingdom tried to do something similar with YouTube, and today Twitter is complying with Pakistan’s blasphemy laws and prohibiting anything that offends the Pakistani understanding of Islam [#welovethehaqqaninetwork].

I can understand Pakistan being upset with Twitter, and I can understand others being upset with Twitter for bowing to Pakistan, and I can understand why Twitter would do so:

#weareabusinessanditisbadforbusinesstifwearebannedsowecavewhennecessary

[#ifyouwanttochangethatoffertopayusforwhatisafreeserviceyoucheesonsofbitches] [#stopexcludingwomenandbanthephrasesonsofbitches] [#stopequatingassoholeswithdogs] [#stopusingbodypartsinnonbiologicallycorrectways]

My problem is deciding whom to put in charge of censorship worldwide. It is inefficient to force each offended group to approach Twitter on its own. So I propose a Twitter Czar [#twitterczar], and suggest that Twitter appoint me to that post [#ramifortwitterczar].

My approach would be simple: anything that is upsetting to anyone would be banned. Lest you think Twitter would then be reduced to links to cute cat videos, I have a solution for that: I hate cat videos and would ban them [#bancatvideos] with the single exception of that cat who rescued that kid from that dog [#thatcatwhorescuedthatkidfromthatdog]. Hashtags, too, would come under scrutiny. The previous hashtag, for example, appears to contain the word “whore” and would be banned because someone is likely offended by the word “whore” which is why I would ban the word “whore.” [banthewordwhoreyousonsofbitches] [#seeearlierhashtag]

The only problem I can see with my proposal is that many of my own posts on Twitter (#theholyrascals) make fun of all things spiritual. Since these most likely offend spiritual people, they too would be banned, and I would be forbidden to post on Twitter since I can’t imagine what else to do with my Twitter account (which by the way has over 30,000 followers). This would put me in the awkward position of having to ban myself [#gobanyourself].

So let me say to Twitter: stop kow-towing [#banoffensivechinesereferences] to anyone and let the Internet be free. I would say the last part to Verizon and Comcast as well, but I suspect neither they nor Twitter will listen to me [#listentorami].

So let me say this to you: send Twitter a message telling them to “Grow a Pair” and say no to censorship. [#stoprelatingcouragetotesticals]

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