In which our hero admits defeat.

Hi, I’m the Jerk. You may remember me from that time I got banned from Inside Catholic. Or you might remember me from that ugliness in the Faith & Family Com Box. (I used to live in Florida. Long story.) Or you might be thinking about the time Hallie Lord‘s husband beat the snot out of me. (I know I’ve been thinking about that as we more forward with the discovery phase of the trial, Hallie.)

The above statement does not constitute harassment in any way, according to the the opinion in The People Vs The Jerk class action case from 2007.

No matter. You’re here  because you want to read my lastest review of some part of the crappy cannon. Or, you thought Simcha would have come to her senses by now, asked me to lose her phone number, and posted something nice instead. (Fat chance.) Or, you’re here because you Googled “lady wrestlers” and the above picture of my attorney, Dame Judy Drench, snagged you. In any event, you disgust me.

I’m here because I have a kickass attorney who convinced a judge writing this counts toward my community service! (Why is driving pantsless a crime? I mean, Come On!)

Onto the movie!


Oh boy. And that was not a good “Oh boy.”

Some of you may recall – although some of you are drinking heavily and may not remember anything – that I let the readers pick the next movie I review through a poll. This is not the best idea I have ever had.

The best? Bras that have little pockets so ladies can hide small bottles of bourbon! Oh. And built in straws!

You readers picked Yentl. I sat down to watch it. I really did.

You know this movie is 2 hours and 13 minutes long? I thought, “Heck, I can make it that long. I watched Forrest Gump. I can sit through anything! This movie has Mandy Patinkin. I like him. It’s gotta have something that’s at least fun. Right?”

I see where you went wrong. I am very sorry. I made the same mistake myself once.


During the opening credits, we are lazily informed this story takes place in “Eastern Europe.” What, the producers would have had to pay more if they named Poland, or Russia?

Next, we find out women in this universe are not allowed to read anything but picture books. Man, if only.

Then we discover the beautiful, intelligent Yentl, played by director, producer and screenwriter, Babs. She yearns for education, and a nice man someday.

Then, I don’t know what. Guys, I am sorry. I couldn’t even get to the 13 minute mark. I bailed after 10 minutes. In my defense: It’s YENTL for crap’s sake. You watch it!

So, unless my probation officer gets wise, I’m a gonna keep this short.

Again, I am really, really sorry.

Can it, Mandy.

Since I am a man of my word – basically, if you think about it – I will let you all pick next week’s movie. Your choices are: Point Break, the action spectacular starring THE Patrick Swayze! Point Break, the thrilling action spectacular starring Canoe Reeves and THE Patrick Swayze. Or, Point Break, the thrilling action spectacular starring Canoe Reeves, THE Patrick Swayze, and Lori Petty!

[polldaddy poll=3641663]

  • DebbieQ

    Oy Yentl. That was a steaming pile of a movie. Sure Barbra Streisand looks like a guy because she cuts her hair and dresses like one.

    I am thinking if you want action movie you need to watch “The Hunt for Red October”, my personal favorite.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      Meh. If I review a Sean Connery movie, it’s gonna be Zardoz!

  • Megan@SortaCrunchy

    POINT BREAK! Ohpleaseohpleaseohplease let it be Point Break. Since the day Simcha introduced us to you (or you hijacked her blog – whichever is more accurate), I’ve been hoping Point Break would make its way into the line-up. YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      More like she needs someone to cover for her when she has one of her “spells.”

  • Sarah

    I just watched the trailer– oy vey is mir! I’ll stick with “What’s up Doc.” Poor Yentyl; she should have converted to Catholicism, and become a nun. She would have been able to avoid any… romantic entanglements (even with dashing Mandy), and had access to all the knowledge and wisdom of “Eastern Europe.”

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      ” I’ll stick with “What’s up Doc.”

      Yeah. Umm, in what universe is that a good movie?

  • Margaret Cabaniss

    What, you couldn’t even make it to Babs’ spectacular “Papa, can you hear me” moment? I want my money back. Also, you’re banned again.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      And yet you do nothing about Zoe.

  • thought better of leaving my name

    sorry, someone beat you to it.

    the Wine Rack:

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      But I was gonna call mine “Nippers!”

  • Paula

    I’m glad I’ve never wasted my time watching “Yentl”. Point Break? Oh, alright. I can’t stand Lori Petty. Years ago I was forced to sit through “Tank Girl”. Ugh.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      I sense you lack a proper understanding of the awesome shower that is Point Break. Wait, did that sound gay?

  • Sue

    I went over your proposed list, and I’m thinking —- “Point Break.”

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      Wise choice. Though a strong case could be made for Point Break. Still time to vote.

  • Bob

    I thought it was agreed that Hallie Lord would be reviewing movies and that The Jerk would stick to swimsuit and lingerie fashion reviews.

    That’s the way I remember it, anyhow.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      That’s because you’ve been eating paint chips again.

    • Hallie Lord

      Oh, Bob. I can’t imagine The Jerk has any thoughts on such things.

      • Bob

        No, no, of course not. Perish the thought.

        Here’s my review: mint green paint chips don’t taste at all minty.

  • Kristen

    You mean Point Break that also had Gary Busey and Flea and Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers? I’m just saying…

    • Kristen

      I just remembered it was also directed by Academy Award winner Kathryn Bigelow…hmmmm

      • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

        That’s why it’s 100% pure adrenaline.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      You are strong in the way of Swayze.

  • Geomama

    Your photos make me want to watch “The Princess Bride.”

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      My apologies.

  • Another Julie

    You suck. I had to watch that pig of a movie during a freshman orientation so that I could feel empowered as a woman. And even I made it to the part where she doesn’t get nekkid around the nekkid guys. I admit I bailed then, but still.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      So you stayed to see the naked men?

      • Another Julie

        I so badly want to say yes, and if I had been absolutely sure she wouldn’t have found a way to get semi-naked in yet another gloriously awkward moment, I might have. But no. The mere hint that people were wondering about her not being naked drove me away and to the drink and not even Mandy Patinkin’s furry legs could keep me there.

  • Maurisa

    What a cop out! I am so disappointed in this review. You should be fired. Alright, never mind. I couldn’t make it as far into this movie as you did, the Jerk. Better luck with Point Break.

    • thejerkdoesnotlikeyou

      You should be fired… Crap. I’m so disappointed in you… Crap. Too bad, sucker. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

  • Dan Lord

    Why stop with Point Break? I suggest some triple-Swayze action: Point Break, Road House, and Red Dawn, and then give us a full report. Here’s some study questions: 1. In which of the 3 films did you feel PS looked his sexiest? 2. In Road House, a Double Deuce employee was fired merely for having sex with a strange woman during his scheduled break. Do you think this was fair? Why? Why not? 3. Considering the communist leanings of our current president, do you feel it would be advisable for citizens of today to organize into small, under-equipped military units and live in the forest, a la Red Dawn?

    I’m eagerly looking forward to your next post!

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  • berenike

    You shoul read Yentl!

    film shmilm. And being a short story, you’ll have to get it in a nice book with lots of other brilliant short stories by ole Singer.

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