Hi, I’m the Jerk. You may remember me from that time I got banned from Inside Catholic. Or you might remember me from that ugliness in the Faith & Family Com Box. (I used to live in Florida. Long story.) Or you might be thinking about the time Hallie Lord‘s husband beat the snot out of me. (I know I’ve been thinking about that as we more forward with the discovery phase of the trial, Hallie.)
No matter. You’re here because you want to read my lastest review of some part of the crappy cannon. Or, you thought Simcha would have come to her senses by now, asked me to lose her phone number, and posted something nice instead. (Fat chance.) Or, you’re here because you Googled “lady wrestlers” and the above picture of my attorney, Dame Judy Drench, snagged you. In any event, you disgust me.
I’m here because I have a kickass attorney who convinced a judge writing this counts toward my community service! (Why is driving pantsless a crime? I mean, Come On!)
Onto the movie!
Oh boy. And that was not a good “Oh boy.”
Some of you may recall – although some of you are drinking heavily and may not remember anything – that I let the readers pick the next movie I review through a poll. This is not the best idea I have ever had.
The best? Bras that have little pockets so ladies can hide small bottles of bourbon! Oh. And built in straws!
You readers picked Yentl. I sat down to watch it. I really did.
You know this movie is 2 hours and 13 minutes long? I thought, “Heck, I can make it that long. I watched Forrest Gump. I can sit through anything! This movie has Mandy Patinkin. I like him. It’s gotta have something that’s at least fun. Right?”
During the opening credits, we are lazily informed this story takes place in “Eastern Europe.” What, the producers would have had to pay more if they named Poland, or Russia?
Next, we find out women in this universe are not allowed to read anything but picture books. Man, if only.
Then we discover the beautiful, intelligent Yentl, played by director, producer and screenwriter, Babs. She yearns for education, and a nice man someday.
Then, I don’t know what. Guys, I am sorry. I couldn’t even get to the 13 minute mark. I bailed after 10 minutes. In my defense: It’s YENTL for crap’s sake. You watch it!
So, unless my probation officer gets wise, I’m a gonna keep this short.
Can it, Mandy.
Since I am a man of my word – basically, if you think about it – I will let you all pick next week’s movie. Your choices are: Point Break, the action spectacular starring THE Patrick Swayze! Point Break, the thrilling action spectacular starring Canoe Reeves and THE Patrick Swayze. Or, Point Break, the thrilling action spectacular starring Canoe Reeves, THE Patrick Swayze, and Lori Petty!