If your house could speak

There used to be a TV commercial that asked, “If your house could speak, what would it say?”  I think they were selling exterior stain, or a home security system or something.  Everyone’s houses were saying things like, “This family understands love” or “Security happens under this roof.”

Well, this is what I found in my bathroom yesterday:

I think my house is saying, in a sort of pleading whisper,

” . . . Truce?”

If your house could speak, what would it say?

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

    P.S. The monitor on the computer I use to edit photos is dying, and is pinkish and streaky, but I’ve gotten used to it; so when I adjust the contrast or whatever, I can’t tell what it looks like on normal computers. So if my bathroom looks dirty in this picture, it’s just because of my computer monitor, so there.

  • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

    Also, that’s tinted grout! It really is! Oh man, I’m regretting this picture already.

    • Josh

      I’ve learned that no one wins with tinted grout.

      • http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher Simcha Fisher

        You could be right about that. We were putting in Mexican tiles, so I thought sort of earth-colored grout would look nice and also, you know, hide the poop. But I’ll never forget the moment I went in to see how the tiling was going, and there was my husband, busily smearing the walls with gobs of creamy brown glop. I thought, Oh lord, he’s finally lost his mind. But then I remembered that I picked out brown grout. Whew!

        • Julie

          I’m asking nothing more of the internet today just for that hilarious visual.

  • http://twitter.com/HouseUnseen Dwija Borobia (@HouseUnseen)

    “Please…please…please don’t let that nude toddler careen around for a third day in a row. Please.”

  • http://momonthegoinholytoledo.wordpress.com momonthegoinholytoledo

    Lol! That is too funny. I am pretty sure my house would say….”thank you for the family that fills my space with love…but… but they play hard and I could use some TLC such as, new carpet, paint, etc.”

  • allotmentgirl

    Our home would say “Somewhere, underneath all this junk is a really quite nice house.”

  • Carolyn A

    “I’m 92 years old – Have mercy on me!”

  • http://michelle-endlessstrength.blogspot.com Michelle

    That’s awesome. LOL My house would probably say, “Oh, please make those babies (not so much really) sit down and stop jumping and shaking my walls……”

    • http://lettersto.us MightyMighty

      If you read this with a pause after the parenthesis, it sounds like your house is first asking you to make love, and then, not as much as you have been. I was a little surprised to see that in a comment…and then I read the rest of it.

  • Josh

    My house would say, “I get that the two year-old needs to learn to use the toilet, but when she poops on me, it’s degrading.” My driveway would concur.

  • Christy

    I have needs too…why are you ignoring me???

  • Tiffany

    My house would say, “Oh, just face it! It’s gonna get worse before it gets better!”

  • Jenny

    “Help me! I’m drowning in junk!”

  • mrsrrl

    If my house could speak it would most likely ask me to clean up my mouth before I clean it again!

  • http://gravatar.com/melaniebett Melanie B

    My house is saying: aren’t you in the second trimester now? Where is that burst of energy? Why am I still a pigsty? And my bathroom floor really is that dirty.

  • http://lettersto.us MightyMighty

    My house would ask me why we took care of the crown moulding before we fixed the hole in the side of the exterior. Then I would say, “House, please. Nobody can even see that hole.”

  • Mike

    Mine would say, “we’ve been burglarized….no wait, we have kids”

    • Corita

      Heh. We WERE burglarized a few months ago and I had to take the cop through the house saying.. “No, that’s how it always looks…yep that too…OK HERE is where the burglars threw all of my clothes out of the drawers to go through them…”

      • Anne-Marie

        My sister’s first apartment was burgled, and she and her flatmate were so embarrassed by it general mess that the tidied up before calling the police, even though it meant perhaps destroying evidence. And yet, when the officer arrived, he commented, “Wow, they really trashed your place!”

  • Corita

    My house would probably say, “HELP! I am cracking in half! Why don’t you deal with it???!!!”

  • http://going-greene.blogspot.com Tori

    Mine would probably tell me: “I feel so exposed! Quit starting projects and leaving them half finished!” There are many of those going on right now, poor house.

  • Tim in Cleveland

    “Stop calling me house. I’m an apartment.”

  • http://catholicbibliophagist.blogspot.com catholicbibliophagist

    Mine would probably say, “You’ve been here about five years! Don’t you think it’s about time you unpacked those last few boxes?”

  • SteveG

    Mine would say…”What is that smell?”

  • http://kiwords.blogs.com/ kiwords

    “Remember that time…when you mopped? Wasn’t that FUN?”

  • anna lisa

    My house is more like a faded, sprawling, old, Mexican movie star, who takes in stray cats. She is ample and eccentric.with no shame in front of the newer and flashier starlets in the neighborhood. She wears a badge on her ample bosom that says: “Mi Casa es tu Casa.” which she means most of the time. It is impossible to shock her, as she has seen it all. She plays host to an assembly of quirky inhabitants that make “Arrested Development” sound tame.

    • Jenny Sawyer

      anna lisa, if you wrote a novel, i’d read it

      • anna lisa

        Jenny, thanks :) that’s what my kids tell me when they see me reading blogs. I tell them that it’s therapy and that other people’s weird lives are more interesting to me than all the juicy material our family provides me with. This pretty much shuts them up. I suppose I could change the names, and maybe the country to protect the (umm) innocent.

  • Julie

    Our house was rented to a college fraternity before we bought it. I think it misses the weekly visits from the po po.

  • Catherine

    My apartment’s bathroom would say, “Now see here, YOU! Dust bunnies are meant for bedrooms!”

  • http://rujutax.blogspot.in/ ruju

    My house wouldn’t speak anything. Would just shout out incoherent stuff…. We simply torture our house… Thank God houses don’t speak… Imagine adding one more voice in the already hot discussion of what shade of pink should go on what wall…

    House! You better stay dumb.

  • Otepoti

    The borer woodworms say, “Quiet up there! We’re having a family meal!”

  • Sarah

    ohhh gosh…tinted grout…oh I laugh so hard….this is just too funny.

    we have two smallish sliding doors on our shower and the rollers always come out and the door sort of half falls off. A few months back, one got so stuck it wouldn’t open at all, thus leaving a fairly narrow gap to enter and exit. I try not to nag my husband about jobs around the house but unfortunately it went unfixed for so long that I had to say something – I’m 6 months pregnant and with my growing belly I actually couldn’t ‘slide’ into the shower at all, just sort of squish my belly into the stuck door and wriggle to get in and out….ah me…he fixed it…kind man :)

  • http://dwellinhope.blogspot.com made for another world

    “the free mulch you had the tree service deliver makes me look like a state park”

  • Monica

    It’s not the house. The Borrowers have finally emigrated.

  • Marya

    Love this! Also love all the comments. Thanks for the laughter…I needed this today!